Okay, the title: not a good choice, for obvious reasons. I liked your logline, that’s why I decided to read this. I realize you’re new to screenwriting. It’s obvious by your formatting but that stuff’s easy to learn. Learn the basic rules with a book like The Screenwriter’s Bible and make everything easier on the eyes.
I like the way you begin your story. It’s a cool premise, kind of Indie Jones and King Kong – with High Noon thrown in for good measure. But writing a script means showing visually what happens on screen. All detail that the audience needs to understand for the story to progress needs to be described. Your description is cryptic, telling details of the action to the reader that the audience can’t possibly see.
Like I said before – get The Bible, but one thing annoyed me early on – your constant use of parenthesis inside action lines. One good rule to follow is never let the story slow down. Parenthesis are like a stop sign. The bold font is a distraction too.
I don’t understand the difference between the cave and the pit. Any confusion takes the audience out of the story. Just make it a huge hole, like seen from the plane in the beginning. Also, I don’t understand Nikki. Is she a slut? Is she a virgin? A former boxer? Make her “something” then give her a conflict and develop her character from there. She’s a caricature as you have written her. I was also confused by the “laws” of your island. Who’s in charge? Why do bullies parade around starting fights? This is a strict company intent on making money right? You’ve written it like the wild west. Does not compute.
Okay, I like your concept. But I think you need to begin again. If this was more serious, with a ruthless assault on an island (both physically and psychologically against the natives, then by the creatures) it would be powerful. Cut the cutesy crap. Make it scary. And I don’t mean just gory – you’ve gored it up pretty well with the skin peelings and head-wearings. Write characters that the audience cares about, real people, then put them in peril. I really couldn’t relate to your characters. Clyde and Nikki were over-the-top. The Priest was just weird (he flipped out pretty quick). Uku and his giggling was annoying. The concept is cool. If you make the story believable, you’ll have a screenplay.
P1 - This aircraft was used in the late 1930’s which is the
first indication of the time period we’re in. – include the time period in the slug – stating info like this draws the reader away from the story
p2 - (Stops. Looks out the
window and rubs his
eyes.)- include this as an action line
p5- Many of the native islanders work on the periphery. Some
wear Western clothes. But you can tell they’re 2nd Class
citizens on their own island, judging by how they’re
mistreated by most of the miners. – what happens?
P7 - FATHER DUNPHY
God damns you my son. – weird line
P24 - As he empties out, we can see from his face that something
suddenly occurs to him. Something he just remembered.
Something important. Something he absolutely needs to-- - and just how is this epiphany going to be expressed onscreen?
P27 - Not moving. Just sitting there, staring, like theatre-goers
eager for the show to start. – nice line
p33 -After all that
time my ancestors had forgotten
their navigational skills. ??
P36 - It’s the worst kind of torture. – sounds like a vacation to me
P39 - Clyde smiles. He knows that Swede alone can take any man,
but give him the benefit of his ‘persuader’ and no one or
nothing’s going to get the better of this usually gentle
giant. – Clyde knows this but the audience doesn’t
p43 - A human form missing its face, but eyes still moving slowly
inside its pulpy red head.- cool visual
p47 - They’re a fucked-up pair, toxic, loose ends that may never
be tied, on a merry-go-round to hell. – what a weird scene
p61 – not sure if the comedy works here
p69 - Take off your shirt Nikki. It’s
the only thing left we have to
p76 - SWEDE
Make me lose face in front of my
men, huh? That’ll cost you, I
guarantee.- groan, this had the same impact as that dwarf-tossing line from LOTR
p85 - Horrendous laments at knowing what once was but can never
be again. Ever.
Tears roll down Nikki’s face as she watches.- cut back on the melodrama, cut back on the comedy
Review of: They Come
reviewed by gordonkris on 05/20/2011
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