A Period Piece, And All That Comes With It
There is obviously a lot of research that went into this. I did a lot of research for An Unnatural Soldier, so I recognize the quality of work here. You’ve done a great job of capturing the tone of the times, especially the King’s pardon and the friction between the “papists” and those members of society who belong to the more accepted religion.
The fight scenes are well-done, with lots of good description: lots of weapon research there. And I love how you’ve captured the tempestuous relationship between Calico Jack and Anne.
However there are some problems. The dialogue for one; it’s a mixture of what we know of eighteenth century speech and something I’ll call “Pirate-speak.” There is no way to know for sure how people in the early 1700’s spoke. We have no records of their actual speech: only letters. And the language of letter-writing was as carefully crafted as the penmanship. Even letters between close friends, or among family members, were not allowed to stray into common vernacular.
I don’t believe that people of that era, or any other era, actually spoke the way we “hear” them in their letters. I don’t believe that people who watched Shakespeare spoke that way themselves. The written language of those days was more flowery and descriptive than everyday speech, and I think this is a common mistake that writers make when trying to re-capture the essence of those times.
As to the Pirate-speak, I think most of that was adopted in the popular telling and re-telling of the tales of Pirates when the stories were handed down orally. The region was a mix of language and culture, so those people who had been born speaking some other language would certainly have sounded more like Pirates than those who had been educated in English-speaking schools as children.
I believe James Bonny, Jack Rackham and Mary Reade would have all sounded closer to modern Brits in their speech, except for vernacular expressions. Mary Reade was born in England, so I doubt she would have used “be” for “are” or any of the other variations that set Pirate-speak apart from day-to-day “Plain-speak.” I think it’s a mis-conception that Pirates spoke like Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I also think that even if people did use more “flowery” period speech in the actual time, it should still be “modernized” for the movies, just to make it easier to understand. You can see this in the more successful adaptations of period pieces. And I think the film-makers for “Pirates” went the opposite route of emphasizing the “Pirate-speak” to make the movie more fun.
Another problem is that script is quite obviously a period piece, and they don’t do well in Hollywood. The difference between this script and say “300,” or “Romeo and Juliet” or “Just Visiting” is that all of those scripts came from people who had already made money doing more mainstream work, and that they were made primarily to entertain, not to exactly re-tell the events of a certain point in history.
At least you’ve studied the value of set-pieces. This script just bristles with them. I really like all the descriptions of the noises of battle and when the ship runs onto the reef and into other ships. Didn’t think of that one!
Speaking of flaws, the third one is pretty bad. This story really suffers from the lack of a specific antagonist. This is the same mistake I made with my Civil War script and I think really hurt its chances when it was being reviewed by Script Shark for the SOM.
The antagonist in Anne Bonny is a shifting mass of English government, her own internal religious struggles, and other pirates, but there is never any one person who directly opposes Anne and her goals. And there is no showdown in the third act. Audiences love a good fight between the hero and her enemy, especially in a story that can be classified as action/adventure. After seeing review after review for An Unnatural Soldier and trying and failing to come up with a specific antagonist, I vowed never to make that mistake again. Now I always set it up when I’m doing character studies during the outline phase. Who is my hero’s enemy? Why are they enemies? What are the enemy’s wants and needs?
The enemy becomes the enemy because he is the hero of his own story. In The Fugitive, the enemy is very clearly Detective Gerard, who is most definitely a good guy. But he’s the antagonist because he opposes the person the writer has set up as the hero: Dr. Kimble. So the antagonist doesn’t have to be a bad guy: just the person who directly opposes the main character’s main goal.
Having a clear antagonist is what creates conflict and conflict is what creates drama.
Other than that it’s a fine story. It reads well and is easy to follow. The characters are clearly drawn and maintain their personalities from scene to scene, never an easy thing to do. There is a lot of work that went into this script and it shows in every word and every line. Good job.
NOTE: This review does not factor into the site rankings.
Other Reviews by miriamp
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PASS IT ON
Wow. Dominic. Great story. He saved himself. That is all.
WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY?
I really like it, but who is the protag? Is it Zoe, or Sarah, who acts through her? In a way Sarah is performing a double act of kindness. She is helping Zoe get over her shyness, and she is also reaching out to touch her sister, who is fighting a war. But it’s almost as if...
PASS IT ON
Wow. Dominic. Great story. He saved himself. That is all.
WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY?
I really like it, but who is the protag? Is it Zoe, or Sarah, who acts through her? In a way Sarah is performing a double act of kindness. She is helping Zoe get over her shyness, and she is also reaching out to touch her sister, who is fighting a war. But it’s almost as if she has an ulterior motive in helping Zoe: as if she’s using Zoe to make her sister feel better. I recognize that you are trying to portray a pure act of kindness, and Zoe was truly helped, but at the same time she seems like a conduit.
I really liked it up to the end, especially the part where Lisa shoots the tank guy and saves the Afghan woman while Zoe’s voice-over said, “I told them to stop.”
There are notes of subtlety to this story that you haven’t touched yet, but I think you can get there. Keep trying.
PROTOCOLS
My only comment is that I would like to see the bank of the main computer flashing to process the “Please.” You could do the shot of the Captain’s blank expression, then the bank of flashing lights, to show that “he” is “thinking,” and then the shot of the imperceptible twitch.
I really think you should make that binary decision more visual.
Great story. Great tension. As always, Carl, it’s a winner.
LITTLE BIT
From the first sentence, I knew what this would be about. They need us to be kind to them, but for ourselves we need to remember them: the lost ones, the homeless ones, and the sick ones. This is a wonderful tribute to somebody who was a dear friend to you, and had very few dear friends herself (besides you). I can’t even properly evaluate it, except to say that it had exactly the effect I hope you wanted.
STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT
LOL. Oops. Good story. Good conflict. He finally cracks the shell and she performs an act of kindness, and really it backfires. This could be the opening scene for several different kinds of stories.
THE DECISION
Good visuals. This is a great example of how to bring a character to life who can’t talk.
NORMA AND BUZZ
Should be “sweet” surface of the lolli, not “sweat.”
I think you should have ended this with Buzz on Norma’s hat, strong and healthy from the chocolate. At that point, they’d each done each other a kindness. Bringing Charlie and Shirley into the picture just complicated it. I went back in the thread and saw you were having trouble getting it to six pages. A story is as long as it is long, and no more.
Very cute story. I could see this as an animated short.
P.S. I just read your review. That’s the beauty of Free Wills. Dude, you were shrooming when you wrote this? NICE!!!!!
BREAKING AND ENTERING
This is mine. I look forward to reviews…and re-writes.
COLORED PEOPLE
Stefy is Estefania when the Homeless Man smiles at her.
This reminds me of the Stephen King short story, “Word Processor of the Gods,” except it is a happier, brighter story. The problem is that there’s not a lot of conflict. Normally with a gift like this, Stefy would discover that it has a very big downside. Of course this is a short story, so there’s not a lot of time for that. But I would like to see some kind of conflict anywhere in the story.
THE ANONYMOUS MR. FINNLEY
Brian, I’m going to speak more to the mechanics of screenwriting than or story-telling. The story is sound, but the delivery needs to be very polished.
Most of the dialogue is expository. Writing good dialogue is very tricky. It would be hard to fully explain here, because I would have to use too much space.
In the opening scene, there is nothing to visually link the dead woman in the paper to the grieving man in bed. The way you describe him, he could just be very sick. Also, Mr. Finnley is sitting at the table and then suddenly he’s rummaging under the counter. Each visual description should establish something physical about both the character and the scene, and also fit logically with the other action lines.
Of course in scripts, story is king, but presentation can be important too. It’s like putting on a suit for an interview. If you have impeccable references and stellar qualifications, you may be able to impress a prospective employer without it, but you’re more likely to get the job if you wear one.
If you want a longer explanation, please e-mail me. I would be happy to elaborate.
EVIL WILL PREVAIL
I was just a habit should have a “t” in the first word. She didn’t take car of us is missing an “e.”
I think this needs another pass. I’m not real clear on the act of kindness, unless it was Amanda being kind to Billy. I would expect that from an older sister, though. I was hoping to see an unusual act of kindness.
Apart from that, it’s a great little story. It’s wicked funny and satirical and takes just the right tone. I just don’t know if that tone is right for the theme of Kindness.
UNTITLED
You could call it New Home for Angel. Good story.
PALE HORSE
Sorry for not writing out the whole title. Geez, it’s a short script, Matt. The title’s probably longer than the story.
Slowly reaching out doesn’t match with grabbing it, which implies fast action. Unless you mean that she reaches out slowly and then all of a sudden grabs it at the end. It just reads weird.
Your welcome should be you’re welcome.
This reminds me of an old story that has probably been handed down through the ages, except it’s new and unique. There are layers of meaning behind and beyond what is happening in front of us. I could see this being shot in a slightly off-kilter, surreal kind of way, but subtle, because the story is subtle. And yes, the title is just exactly right.
I think it could be much better, and I think the key is in the dialogue. It’s coming off too flat. In Revelation the next part says that the rider of the pale horse is Death, which implies that there is a huge price for this gift of one thousand dollars. The conversation between Kate and The Man seems to go round and round, rather than progressing forward. Reading it should be like traveling down a road and seeing certain sights. Right now it’s only going around the block.
The ending where she decides to pass it on is unclear in relation to the title. The title implies that something almost mythical is about to happen.
This story has a lot of potential. I want to see it get there. I want to see your true vision come shining through.
IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
A little funky, a little weird, a little homage to the Keystone Cops. Cute.
CAPTAIN JACK
This is kind of like Pay It Forward. Maybe rich Julie in her McMansion didn’t appreciate Captain Jack, but Reverend Twitchy did. Love is where you find it, and Kindness is where you make it.
FIND ME AGAIN
Maria, I love your stories. They are so visual and everything stands out so clearly. I love the story. It’s both metaphysical and very human. I reminds me of some of the best Clive Barker I have read.
METAPHYSICS OF LIFE THEFT
Burchett lies down on his bed, not lays down. Lay is an active/passive verb. You lay a sheet of paper on a table, or lay an apple on the teacher’s desk. If you do it to yourself, it’s lie down.
I would not recommend chopping off somebody’s head to harvest their organs. People with head injuries are kept on life support so that their organs can be harvested while still alive. The second the blood stops, they become ten times more prone to rejection.
The guillotine is a GREAT image, but it’s not medically viable.
I really like this story, though. This is a great example of how to use Flashbacks and Voice Over effectively.
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I didn’t read the earlier draft, but the comments must have helped a lot. It’s nearly perfect. The story moves along smoothly, hitting all the right beats in just the right places. The fishing sequences are minimally described which I like. None of the technical terms are explained, which I also like. It means the director can bring in a fishing expert and use him (or...
I didn’t read the earlier draft, but the comments must have helped a lot. It’s nearly perfect. The story moves along smoothly, hitting all the right beats in just the right places. The fishing sequences are minimally described which I like. None of the technical terms are explained, which I also like. It means the director can bring in a fishing expert and use him (or her) to help choreograph the action sequences.
Knowing a little about fishing, I can tell how those sequences will look, and you’ve saved the best one for last. I have been on a dock with a fisherman who caught something that fought and thrashed and pulled him along the dock so that all the other fishermen had to reel in as fast as they could. It’s an exciting sight.
The dialogue is exceptional. It’s deceptively simple. I know it takes hours to hone lines like that, so that they sound natural, yet also get the job done. Good work, team.
My only quibble is the sequence when Jonah goes back to the store several times to buy extra gear. Granted he is probably spending pennies, but they are pennies that his family doesn’t have. And you’ve set Tom up as a person who would not give his son even one extra dollar for spending money without earning it. In fact, Tom strikes me as the kind of guy who would make his kids do chores without paying them and then expect them to earn extra money doing chores for the neighbors. Jonah seems to have way too much time to spend at the beach for an almost grown boy.
I think it would be more true to the characters to see Johan having to struggle to get to the beach and fish: struggle in terms of time, and struggle in terms of transportation. Beth is busy with her job and worrying about Tom. Tom is busy being an emotionally stressed vet. I don’t see them taking too much time to give their son rides to the beach.
So maybe my only quibble is the ease with which Jonah gets to the beach. I know his main struggles and obstacles in the story are with things he encounters at the beach, but I would like to see him struggle more to just get there.
Thanks for the read and good luck on future drafts.
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This began with a lot of promise, but I was disappointed in how it played out.
In the first act, you set up the theme of man as predator and natural killer. You carry out this theme with the image of the wolf and the human footprints with claws. There is a hint of supernatural events with the skeleton of the Indian, the runes on the knife, and the mysterious way the human...
This began with a lot of promise, but I was disappointed in how it played out.
In the first act, you set up the theme of man as predator and natural killer. You carry out this theme with the image of the wolf and the human footprints with claws. There is a hint of supernatural events with the skeleton of the Indian, the runes on the knife, and the mysterious way the human shape seems to morph into an animal through the swirling snow.
The imagery is all great, especially the leitmotif of the cawing crows. Visually, this would present as a kind of “black-in-white in color.” It’s stark and compelling.
Yet instead of allowing your story to barrel ahead, full out, into the woods and over the abyss, you pull back. You hint at a supernatural change in Dave, but never follow through.
The scene on pages 70 and 71 when Dave finally reappears in the wolf-skin is where it all starts to come apart. Yes, I know David has a tomahawk, but why does Tim immediately perceive him as a threat? He could have the tomahawk for self-defense against the bears and mountain lions. Yes, he says, “Fight or flight,” but nothing else about him seems especially threatening, so the “fight or flight” dialogue comes off as contrived.
So, because you have not convinced me that Dave is actually threatening Tim in that scene, everything that proceeds from it – the fight and the mountain lion attack – also seems contrived.
You raise the question that something might have happened to Dave down in the hole with the skeleton of the Indian, but you never answer that question. You leave him down in the hole, having just failed in his first attempt to get out, and come back to show us he’s already gone. How did he get out? Why did he run off in the wrong direction? Tim certainly noticed that the tracks pointed in the wrong direction.
You never answer these questions, at least not in any way that will satisfy your audience. You can explain to me at great length what this scene or that scene meant, but if it isn’t in the screenplay, then you haven’t explained it.
In the end they buried an empty casket. What happened to Dave? Is he still up in the mountains, becoming more and more wolf-like? Or did he die? Was it supernatural, or something more prosaic?
It’s like you set out all the ingredients of a great meal and then didn’t cook it. I don’t see a full commitment to your story, but rather a rush to attack and then a last-minute retreat: much like Dave’s unwillingness to kill the buck at the beginning.
This story needs a much better resolution and ending. The characters are great. The dialogue is mostly great, except for Danny’s expository speech in the last scene about how Dave changed. We already know most of that from the events in the story. You just need to decide if the story is supernatural or not, and commit to that set of events.
Good luck with the re-write.
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