"i WanT tO kiLL" is an engaging story about a young man's unsuccessful attempts at killing, and his eventual metamorphosis. The pacing in excellent, it gradually builds up steam as you turn the page. It's a funny, nasty, script that's hard to put down.
Chris Simons does a great job of getting the reader to root for Ned, a simple-minded half-wit trying to find his way in the world. I found myself sympathetic to Ned's plight & couldn't wait for him to complete his transformation, which, in some ways, is actually quite disturbing. The characters around him, and the world he lives in, is disgusting. Ned & the Teenager he befriends are the only characters with any redeeming qualities.
The foreshadowing with the lighter fluid, Harry's jacket, the shades, & the motorcycle are great little details that flesh out characters & the story. It adds depth & that helps the script stand out from typical black comedies. Nice work!
The script is heavy with voice over but it serves the story well. I did catch a few minor pieces of dialogue that could use some editing.
Here are some things to look at:
On pg. 9, "There's a lot of anger inside of me" is unnecessary IMHO. It's obvious by Ned is full of repressed rage when he smashes the picture, lights everything on fire, & flicks the roach away.
On pg. 19, "This shall be fun, Ned" doesn't fit the syntax IMO. Consider "This'LL be fun...".
On pg. 85 "I removed your bullets" sounds odd as well, a simple "I TOOK OUT..." sounds more natural.
Also, I noticed that you didn't put CONT'D when the same character spoke over descriptions & action. Again, a minor detail, but something to look at.
Overall, great job!
Review of: i WanT tO kiLL
reviewed by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 09/24/2009
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