Mr. Wheeler's story is the start to a longer work. The beginning seemed more like it was part of her imagination than the supernatural. I am not sure I see the supernatural there at all.
The second part merely hints at the possibility of the supernatural rather than anything concrete.
I think the doll needs to be more of a character. Then you will really be going closer to the edge of reality. So far all I can see is that you are talking more about her imagination and maybe wish fulfillment than the supernatural.
I am not sure if the businessman would react like that if that was a real situation. Maybe he would be scared but I am not sure he would worry about his expensive clothes if she is being attacked or followed like that.
The old guy seems more like a guy from central casting. He seems like more like a humorous character in a "Twilight Zone" episode than a strong, original character.
There are some grammatical issues also.
When emphasizing words you do not need to put them in all caps.
The police not going to "that area of town" for a domestic disturbance doesn't seem like it is based in reality. Police are obligated to go there especially for a domestic disturbance. All areas of a city are covered in some way by a police department whether it is in a local, county, or state jurisdiction.
I hope this has helped.
Review of: Dollface
reviewed by email@example.com on 08/28/2009
Other Reviews by firstname.lastname@example.org 37
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