Lavel Wideman's story about lycanthropy is not a complete story to me. The story needs to delve into how Alexa actually became a werewolf. The use of the vegan angle seems to me to be more of a comic effect. If that is the case then you need to really expand upon this. I am not sure that is the desired effect though. Is the vegan angle used more to get on the good side of Chelsea? Or is it to show sarcasm? Maybe it is all of the above. If so, I would like to see more of what it should be.
There are several grammatical and usage problems.
You also have a problem with redundancy. You write on page two... I said, "That's the secret," is exactly what I told her.... First of all by writing "I said" what follows is what is being said so there is no need to say "is exactly what I told her." The end of the sentence and the punctuation associated with this sentence should be... I said, "That's the secret." Drop "is exactly what I told her." and add a period after secret and put it inside the quotes.
Also, on page five you say a "mean" animal. I think you mean ... an "angry" animal or an animal full of blind rage. Blind rage shows a true lack of control.
I think if I was Chelsea I would be a little more curious about his experiments.
This story needs to be expanded upon. I really do not get any idea of who these characters are. Are you going to do more of a horror angle or a comic angle? I think you need to decide where you want to go with this then continue the story. It almost seems as though you got tired of writing and decided to end the story abruptly.
I think you should research lycanthropy. The story needs more "beginning" and more "middle" and even more "end".
I hope this helps.
Review of: I'm A Vegan Until Nightfall
reviewed by email@example.com on 07/21/2009
Other Reviews by firstname.lastname@example.org 37
A review of Dollfaceby email@example.com on 08/28/2009Mr. Wheeler's story is the start to a longer work. The beginning seemed more like it was part of her imagination than the supernatural. I am not sure I see the supernatural there at all. The second part merely hints at the possibility of the supernatural rather than anything concrete. I think the doll needs to be more of a character. Then you will really be going closer to... read
A review of A Dangerous Mindby firstname.lastname@example.org on 08/27/2009Mr. Garry's story is a good start to a longer work. I think that the story could go deeper into the main character's disturbed mind. Maybe include an internal monologue rant in his apartment. I am not sure if there is a chance for "hope" in his mind if he is killing like a machine or puppet especially if he is killing his friends and relatives. If there is a concept of right... read
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