A Tower through Time
Long I have waited to review a piece by Mr Keller, since I have now received the same pleasure not once but twice. They say revenge is a dish best served cold; I prefer it plattered as prose…
Just kidding, Nick! Thought I’d get you worried there before I started… Can’t a reviewer have a little fun now and then?
Ok, onwards:
A penetrating study into the cosmic, ‘Dr Tower’s Babel’ tears apart the fabric of the Universe at the same time as it strips down the superficialities and preoccupations of Social Man. Space exploration is given whole new meaning; space-time is flipped over sunny-side down. Indeed, as Dr Tower’s spends a lifetime trying to build his great Unraveler, Mr Keller manages to unravel in 41 pages a new meaning of life: outside Time and outside the Self.
Conceptually, this is a highly original story that provides a great deal of pleasure to the reader. The final pages, as our protagonist’s world is thrown into rewind, feel almost transcendental. As this new vision of the universe is revealed and the beginning of existence given a new face, the startling realization that, all this time, God was an astrophysicist, becomes common sense; what else would He be?
The story is lengthy in its build up to this original denouement, the plot stretched out over decades, breaking Poe’s rule that short stories should also take place within a short time frame. Seeing as the author is breaking all the laws of physics, however, the reviewer will let it slide.
If Mr Keller is committed to the story’s length, then some of the prose could do with tightening in just a few places. If cutting is not anathema to the writer, then significant chunks could be sacrificed to the Red Pen without losing value; a good story only has what is absolutely necessary.
The current structure, I think, is perhaps the root cause for the length. Aside from the introduction, which is sliced from the centre of the story, the chronological build up from the protagonist’s early days means it is a long road to the final act. A friendly suggestion would be to start the story later in the plot and fill in background through the narrative. This would keep the time frame on a shorter leash, while still allowing for expansive explorations into the past.
In terms of character, the eccentric Dr Towers plays his role perfectly, convincing the reader of the aphorism that the line between genius and insanity is a thin one. However, the protagonist, while clearly delineated as a towering intellect in his own right, (winning the Nobel Prize so young even!) there are significant lapses in judgement on his part, particularly for someone so intelligent. The important career decision based on a single obscure book; the rather too late realization that Towers is an isolated scientific figure; these are a few of his out-of-character faults inconsistent with someone so well read and studious.
Otherwise, a thoroughly enjoyable read that sends the mind reeling off into the outer limits of the imagination. I recommend!
Other Reviews by CJForster
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A strange topic and mix of genre: horror meets children's book, 'Angel of Christ' is a dispiriting tale about a misanthropic woman named Meg. Her search for happiness is confounded by her own nature and displeasure for other people. She's trapped in a paradox, hating her route to salvation: others. But she finds respite in a religious cult, led by a charismatic Father Robert...
A strange topic and mix of genre: horror meets children's book, 'Angel of Christ' is a dispiriting tale about a misanthropic woman named Meg. Her search for happiness is confounded by her own nature and displeasure for other people. She's trapped in a paradox, hating her route to salvation: others. But she finds respite in a religious cult, led by a charismatic Father Robert. His title is not simply one earned by ordainment, but by sowing his seed among his followers and siring their young. Unnervingly, no child ever survives as Meg, also pregnant, is told they are born to die as sacrifices. It is here she realizes she has joined a satanic cult. The story follows Meg as she flees, not very far, into the arms of the more established religions. Atop a bell tower, she gives birth to a demon baby and, in horror, hurls it down onto a passing religious procession.
Suffice it to say, this is a very odd story. Yet, I read it until the end. I was caught in a mystery and could not disentangle myself. What would happen to Meg and her baby? This question drives the story and is enough to move the reader to the denouement, which is a surprise and shock to the audience. Yet, with all this going for it, the prose is hard as wood. Crunchy sentences chew like gravel in the mind. A great deal of the plot is told in direct narrative and hardly elicited through dialogue or action. There is almost no need for Meg to say or do anything as the narrator does all the work for her. Which is a shame, because the travails of such a troubled woman are deeply fascinating. Her desperate attempt for salvation is a potential source of great pathos and pity. Yet galactic leaps are made between emotions and movements. One second she's joined the cult, the next she's pregnant. One paragraph she's happy, the next she's not. One moment her new friends are dancing and singing, the next they're chanting and wearing demon masks. The transition of Meg's character can feel erratic and this disjoints the story and, along with it, the reader.
Similarly, the relationships between Meg and other characters, whether Father Robert, her "boss lady", or Wendy are stated as fact. They are not drawn or painted in the mind of the audience, which makes it harder to stick in their heads and therefore, ultimately, more difficult to believe and sympathize with the protagonist. Without investment by the reader into Meg's relationships with other people, there's nothing to lose. Leaving the cult should have been the most difficult thing Meg ever had to do in her life, as it was her only source of happiness. The author attempts to describe this, but it's all done too hurriedly and directly.
One final point is language. Many, many paragraphs begin with the word 'Meg'. It is hard for the reader to always be led by her name and not guided by her character. That said, and the hard-edge nature of the prose already mentioned, there was one paragraph that stood out for its succinct beauty. "The moon in the sky was bright and full providing a mocking brilliance, giving illumination inside the church tower. The moon was watching Meg's every movement as she underwent the agony of child birth". Very powerful! We need more of this approach to language in the rest of the story, which, in one final point, should not be for children!
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An afternoon in the life of a limo driver. 'The Car and Candice' is an elegant tale that coasts along smoothly like the '78 Cadillac driven by our protagonist, Max. It's a peek into a mobile existence, that at times can be moving with emotion as well as with imagery.
The insight gleaned from the story is that, while everything burns around him, Max still jealously guards his...
An afternoon in the life of a limo driver. 'The Car and Candice' is an elegant tale that coasts along smoothly like the '78 Cadillac driven by our protagonist, Max. It's a peek into a mobile existence, that at times can be moving with emotion as well as with imagery.
The insight gleaned from the story is that, while everything burns around him, Max still jealously guards his free time and revels in the small things in life, whether a cigarette or a conversation with a girl.
The central tension arrives with Candice. At first, she's reluctant, weary, coy. But she goes along for the ride, literally and metaphorically. The reader is curious to see how their relationship develops. It's not all innocent, of course. There's actually very little conversation. He makes her bark like a dog as a form of arousal. But the way she warms to him in their final moments together, we realize her bark is worse than her bite. As he drops her off at the club, pretending she's a paying customer, she for a moment becomes someone of worth whose value is not calculated by the hour. They have each lifted the other a little and so, as with the tide, the reader is lifted, too.
Curiously, while Max and Candice develop, an undercurrent of psychological tension emerges. Max insists on calling Candice by another name: Diane. But who is Diane? And why is she Max's obsession? The author is right not to tell us, leaving us to our own imagination and providing Max with a mysterious past that adds depth to his character.
All the meanwhile there is a third tension: one of imagery. As Max goes about his business, the land burns around him. The haze and the plumes do not perturb him. Nor does any threat of fire and flame disturb him from his routine. These juxtaposed images are striking and could be made more of, perhaps, as they are very subtle.
One thing I would mention is the habit of "murdering your darlings", as it is famously said. Invariably a writer coins a phrase that tickles them for one reason or another. We've all experienced it. We love them. But more often than not they are a distraction to the reader and should be cut. One such instance here is on page 2: "He indiscriminately discriminated..." A wonderful collocation, but it stood out so much it throws the reader from the story.
Otherwise, all in all, a very good read. Keep at it!
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Max – great to get to review another of your works; don’t worry, I have NP on my list and I’ll write up a free one for you soon. Now for the ‘The Lament’!
Brutal murder, most foul, is laid out on the pages of ‘The Lament’. Cruel and unusual punishment is dished out to unworthy and undeserving victims. Can the untempered temper of an unbalanced individual send the reader’s...
Max – great to get to review another of your works; don’t worry, I have NP on my list and I’ll write up a free one for you soon. Now for the ‘The Lament’!
Brutal murder, most foul, is laid out on the pages of ‘The Lament’. Cruel and unusual punishment is dished out to unworthy and undeserving victims. Can the untempered temper of an unbalanced individual send the reader’s skin crawling? Do unmitigated acts of violence on unsuspecting innocents churn our stomachs?
These are the ambitions of the author: to shock, to horrify. By laying waste to the lives of children, the author explores our moral repugnance and discombobulates our ethical centre. All in all, it is a job well done, but with much scope for fine tuning and rethinking in the second draft.
The concept is original, and the author’s vision of hell unique and powerful. This is the highlight of the story for the reader: an other-worldly manifestation of divine and devilish punishment. White, sterile corridors, without depth or texture. Bodies fixed into the walls while fixated on their sins. It is the purest description of hell this reviewer has ever read. Its simplicity is filled with horror.
In the real world, the protagonist, Nathan Linnogen, is a troubled man. Beaten and traumatised as a child by his peers, he harbours great anger and malice as an adult. Grown up, he is presented with the opportunity for revenge, not on his original attackers, but on three children, three bullies. One by one he abducts and attempts to kill them, in the end only to be caught and imprisoned.
While Nathan’s acts are deplorable, they are unfortunately not always believable. He grows up displaying no outward traits of having a twisted mind (this was a similar issue in ‘Necro Phil’). In fact, despite his disadvantage as an orphan he is a success as an electrician and can “live comfortably”. His sudden desire to kidnap and kill three children seems out of character. It also suggests that from childhood until the age of 26 he never came across any other bullies. The reader is forced to ask “Why this moment? Why now?” Yet the author doesn’t address this; there is no trigger or spark that forces Nathan to act as he does. This is the central weakness of the story.
In terms of structure, it is well thought out. Bouncing between two scenes (hell and earth) is a common device used to entice the reader through mystery. Yet an author must always ask “what is the purpose of this device” and “does it work”? By starting in hell the reader is intrigued as to the crimes of the protagonist. Once this crime is revealed, bouncing back to hell serves no purpose. It can only be used to end the story; finalize the protagonist’s demise. A slightly more effective structure would perhaps be hell-earth-hell, rather than hell-earth-hell-earth-hell. Something to think about.
In terms of writing, it feels as if the author is still searching for their voice. Every writer has their own distinctive style, some more effective and personal than others. Personally, the key to any good writing style is cadence. It is not simply the words used, the images conjured, or the devices deployed. It is about the music and rhythm of the prose. That’s not to say it must all be smooth and mellifluous; composers regularly use dissonance and cacophonous phrases to elicit negative emotions (fear, apprehension, nervousness) in their audiences. There’s no reason a writer cannot use the same techniques.
Aside from style, the author has a great deal of room to edit. Chaff must be cut and the author must be ruthless. Only that which is absolutely germane to the story should be included. Everything else is ballast slowing the reader down. For example, there is no need to explain how Nathan studied to become an electrician; he should simply be one. There is no need to mention he was low on money; it is not an impulse for his actions. In fact, the “growing up” section can be totally removed as it creates an elongated sense of time in the reader’s mind that is unexplored and therefore unnecessary. Ideally, a short story should follow Edgar Allan Poe’s dictum that the narrative should be contained within as short a period as possible: an hour, an afternoon, a day, not more.
There is very little dialogue in ‘The Lament’. Perhaps that is the intention of the author, to display Nathan as a lonely character. But dialogue is where characters come alive. Their true selves come to light best while interacting with others. It also helps writers avoid the trap of telling instead of showing. “Show, Don’t Tell” is fundamental to good writing and the author would benefit from revising their draft and honestly highlighting where they fall afoul of this rule.
Max, I think you have a great deal of imagination and, therefore, potential. I know there are a lot of criticisms in this review, but that’s only because you show such promise. Instead of pontificating, let me point you towards some articles and books that really helped me. First off, buy two books: Aristotle’s ‘Poetics’ and Lajos Egri’s ‘The Art of Dramatic Writing’. They are short and extremely insightful; best of all, they don’t quite agree, which gives a writer space to be flexible and experiment. While you wait for Amazon to deliver them, search and download a PDF copy of Raymond Carver’s article, ‘Principles of a Story’. These two short pages beautifully describe the point and purpose of short story writing. Once you have all three, read them. Then read them again. Make notes. Dog ear pages. Underline passages. Always have them to hand.
Longest review I’ve yet written! Hope you don’t mind and take heart that it’s a positive sign! Good luck with the next draft. If you want to bounce ideas off me, I’m happy to act as a sound board.
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