A Truiffic Fairytale!
Enjoyed the snappy quick start.
Didn't get the buffalo wings joke? Too much?
Extremely imaginative and creative.
Great use of "old world" fairytale language!
Not sure the target audience? Humour for the adults but might confuse the children too much? Not subtle enough?
Simplify phrases like p.54 "The witch, suffering from egomaniacal paranoid delusions" for a more younger audience?
Jack in the beanstalk part was very entertaining.
You have thoroughly done your fairytale homework!
Could be more subtle at times. P.39.
OSCAR (cont’d)
(turning to another patron)
You ever see a guy with a goose and a
harp?
PATRON
What is that? A euphemism?
OSCAR
No.
And P.76 NARRATOR
No, She didn’t. She had only heard the
lies in the Tavern.
Good pace. Constant Goal to keep us hooked.
Definitely reminded me of Shrek which isn't a bad thing at all.
I felt you kind of lost me on page 59. Where the handsome prince turned out to be Bob.
I kept thinking, where is the moral? What am i learning from this story What is it teaching me? Nothing was obvious.
Had a few good set ups and payoffs.
Loved when they went to the witches cave and were performing a street car named desire!
Structurally sound. Conflict continually arose towards to end.
Clear characters. Although I wish Tru was a little more feisty!
Clearly a tremendous amount of hard work and effort has gone intot this script and it has paid off.
Overall I was extremely entertained. However I would try and strengthen up the moral of the story, the idea of following your heart and being true to yourself was a little weak. It got lost in the fairytale nods and comedy.
All in all you should be very proud!
Other Reviews by lucyriches
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I kept having different opinions during my read of this. But my final opinion is extremely positive. You had definitely won me over with the surprise eco terrorism twist at the end!
Unfortunately a lot of the first half made me distrust you as a writer. The way that the law dealt with everything just seemed like a huge sham. Terrorism is huge deal these days, which you are...
I kept having different opinions during my read of this. But my final opinion is extremely positive. You had definitely won me over with the surprise eco terrorism twist at the end!
Unfortunately a lot of the first half made me distrust you as a writer. The way that the law dealt with everything just seemed like a huge sham. Terrorism is huge deal these days, which you are clearly aware of. So I think that they would be far more professional in their dealing and swiftness than you made out.
Glorious opening scenes could totally visualise it.
Apron - very british, liked it.
I thought Jeremy's tv interview were very unbelievable, I think he was revealing things far too prematurely.
Lines like these were far too cheesy:
ROBERT (CONT’D)
Better do our bit to save the
planet eh?
If all flights are grounded and there was a major terrorist threat, Robert wouldn't be allowed to go home and sleep.
Lines like this are a waste. How does this carry the story forward? It doesn't.
YVONNE
..busy? Just try to relax when
you’re here then eh?
He closes his eyes.
Would have had cctv within minutes. Should then have followed the cars movements from cctv cameras. You turn the reader off right there. Can't believe or trust that you have informed knowledge on this subject.
Got excited about the dna leading to heathrow. Let down that is was Tariq. The police would never have him dragged out in front of the paps that early. You are making them out to be a bunch of school boys. Not the highest ranking security officials in the UK.
So the only evidence they have is the stolen car and yet they interview the guy for two seconds and just go.
Fiona wouldn't reply like this.
ADAM
What? Pakis?
FIONA
You can’t say that.
You have to remember that people will be comparing your work to things like 24 which are extremely high paced. I think you have to get things moving a lot quicker.
Waste:
YVONNE
I’m off up, you coming?
Very funny.
THE EXPRESS - "Did this man kill
Diana?"
Cheesy.
JEREMY
We must catch him, before he
strikes again.
I think you use artistic license when it comes to the airports being shut for three days, but I think you just about get away with it.
I can definitely see this on British TV. Just up the tension a little more and you have a winner for sure here my friend.
Good Luck with everything! Pleasure to read!
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To start off, I was extremely entertained by this screenplay. A lot of work has gone into this and it has paid off!
You have a great comic voice - Gamer-Cath - hilarious! C3P0 - genius! Mikes hard lemonade - won't forget that in a hurry!
I wasn't too thrilled about the knitting group part. I think it makes her too nice. I thought the next scene would be her rescuing a wounded...
To start off, I was extremely entertained by this screenplay. A lot of work has gone into this and it has paid off!
You have a great comic voice - Gamer-Cath - hilarious! C3P0 - genius! Mikes hard lemonade - won't forget that in a hurry!
I wasn't too thrilled about the knitting group part. I think it makes her too nice. I thought the next scene would be her rescuing a wounded puppy!
I think the premise is good, but I would follow through with it more. There isn't really THAT much that they lie to each other about. Keep up him being a douche bag for a bit longer I think. The fact that she sees the "real him" on their first date where he smiles at the Robot Wizard movie is just too easy. You could pretty much just end it there. She has seen the real him.
There is undoubtedly a great structure to the story. But I don't think it would hurt to strengthen it a little. Up the stakes? Having them both just fed up with their love lives is not enough. What is Miles going to do if he doesn't find a girlfriend? Become the first gamer to ever have an avatar as a girlfriend? I think both of them both need to have stronger character goals. I'm sure there is plenty of goals to be found with Miles' gaming career. And it is only hinted at near the end that Freya is unhappy with her lot in life. She obviously owns her own pet grooming business and would have worked to get that.
I really was entertained by this, but just thinking of constructive notes here. Everyone pretends to be someone they are not a little bit at the start of the relationship. But I think you should go all out. Think of the trailer. You could amplify the lies even more I reckon to make it more interesting. Think about Wedding Crashers, basically they pretend to be other people but it's more of the sub plot than the whole movie. Seeing this is the premise of the whole movie I think you can go all out.
The fact that they are both going to vegas at the same time got be a bit annoyed. And it totally comes out of the blue for Freya and the girls. If you keep that in, introduce it earlier on in the script I'd advise.
I think the dramatic irony of them both being in Vegas could have lasted longer. Getting them both to hide and keep up their false identities for longer could create some fantastic conflict and laughs. The girls could pretend they are in town for a bachelorette weekend or anything.
Ella and Ellie too similar names
You are certainly talented my friend. Let me know if any of this was helpful. And good luck with everything. You've got a career ahead of you for sure.
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I was thoroughly entertained by this script. I think it needs to be given more depth, but has a hell of a lot of potential!
Characters-
Brook - She is an archetypal lead in a romantic comedy. I think she needs to be fleshed out a little more. A little more back story? More about her relationship with Mark. How him cheating on her has really affected her, that doesn't really...
I was thoroughly entertained by this script. I think it needs to be given more depth, but has a hell of a lot of potential!
Characters-
Brook - She is an archetypal lead in a romantic comedy. I think she needs to be fleshed out a little more. A little more back story? More about her relationship with Mark. How him cheating on her has really affected her, that doesn't really seem to be addressed that much.
Eric - Great Handsome Hero.
Danny - very funny moments with him - would like to see more of this character.
Dialogue-
Some great dialogue - great comical banter!
Structure -
Great conventional structure.
Good opening takes us straight to the story, we know what it's going to be about.
Story -
The revenge come across quite petty - I wasn't a fan of the projector scene - I can see you are going to slapstick comedy but it just seemed unoriginal.
Give us some background into Mark and Brook's relationship. What they once meant to each-other? Will give the audience more of an emotional attachment?
The set-up meeting for the RTB event isn't very clear. I couldn't understand the relationship between the three different companies.
I think the stakes should be higher at the end, the gift bags seem a little trivial. I think things REALLY need to be on the line for Brook for more dramatic affect?
Need more sexual tensions between Brook and Eric towards the end.
Love the Aquarium setting - this would look fantastic on screen. Very cinematic.
Concept -
Like the concept of trust and cheating. I think this needs to be emphasized more, to give it more substance, perhaps Eric had a past girlfriend who cheated on him or his mother got cheated on. Will bring more emotional attachment to the characters as well.
Not too sure of it's market value after some of the recent female led romantic comedies of the last year - The Proposal or The Ugly Truth. But it could certainly be used as a star vehicle for an up and coming leading lady.
It certainly has great potential, it made me chuckle :D all the best!
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