A well written story.
Demeter and Persephone
The first paragraph was written beautifully. The description of Demeter was very well done. The reader can get a good idea of what this character looks like.
The writing was done quite well however a few character descriptions can add to the story and clarity.
The reader looked for more description of the passengers on the train and the train itself. This will give the reader a sense of the train ride. The Italian couple can use more detail. They have no face.
Persephone becoming queen of the underworld was not clear.
Elpida grew up too fast.
The reader doesn’t understand Elpida growing up but all of a sudden a shift in time. ‘It is the twenties…’ Confusing
In short, it was a good story to read. The reader seeks more drama with in the characters such as making the male interest more colorful. A thief, or a cunning businessman. He is too cool and calm.
Good luck with rewrites. You have a great concept.
Other Reviews by dandirtyfool
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My line by line assestment;
Pg. 1 – Julie is dreaming about singing in an opera. If her dream is to become an opera singer, it is not shown in the story. What does her mother represent in the dream? Generally people represent a part of the dreamer. Doris, Julie's mother, transforms from a handsome man yet she is groggy, dirty, bitter, and mean looking.
Pg. 8 – Sandra...
My line by line assestment;
Pg. 1 – Julie is dreaming about singing in an opera. If her dream is to become an opera singer, it is not shown in the story. What does her mother represent in the dream? Generally people represent a part of the dreamer. Doris, Julie's mother, transforms from a handsome man yet she is groggy, dirty, bitter, and mean looking.
Pg. 8 – Sandra and Tania have a conversation about a baby. Does this have anything to do with the story?
Pg. 9 – Enter Floyd Babtiste and Tina in conversation. Yet another conversation that slows the story down. What does this have to do with the story?
The fortune cookie package can probably come in the story a little earlier.
Pg. 28 – I would’ve like to see Julie say something to answer the taunts from Tania.
Pg. 31 - The reader doesn’t understand the relationship between Brian and Tina.
Throughout the screenplay the headings do not indicate the location. Exp. Pg. 29 – Int. Kitchen – Who’s kitchen? Which building is this kitchen located?
Pg. 36 – Tina and Brian has just finished dinner. Brian and Tina spends a lot of time together. She is a new widow. This relationship is awkward.
Pg. 37 – re-enter the fortune cookie. This is a late event in the story. If this fortune cookie carries so much weight, why not have it in the story more often?
Pg. 40 – Tina is surprised she’s outside. Is this such a surprise? Theo could cough up a little water. He comes out of being submerged and immediately start speaking.
Pg. 46 – Not enough action. Lots of conversation but nothing doing other than a strange fortune cookie. What’s the purpose of the conversation between Julie and Fred?
Pg. 48 – Centers on Julie and the blown fuse in their house.
Pg. 57 – Sir Charles reprimand Matilda about her curtsying. Is this scene necessary? Isn't the story about Julie?
Pg. 62-63 – Julie and her mother discuss the date. Is this scene necessary?
Pg. 63 – Doris and Fred discuss Julie going on a date. This scene wakes up the screenplay. This is where the story takes shape.
Pg. 64 – Matilda is all about herself in the Boardroom. Is this scene necessary and does it move the story forward?
Pg. 64 – Lady Fiona and Sir Charles, two unknown characters discuss a painting. Is this scene necessary and what does it do for the story?
The fortune cookie has very little impact on the story. It is not centered around a fortune cookie. It appears the fortune cookie incidents are dropped into the story at specific points rather than a story written around a special or magical fortune cookie.
Pg. 71 – (Story) It seems a little odd that Doris and Fred would threaten Julie if she is so much help to them. It is unrealistic that they would empty her bedroom in one night just because she wants to go on a date.
Pg. 73 – There’s a fight breaking out in the Town Hall but the story breaks to Sir Charles. If the fight is important to mention than the story should stay on the fight until the incident is resolved. Or perhaps mention the fight before Julie and Brian leave.
Pg. 74-75 – Really good conversation with Julie and Brian. Julie is interested in changing things around. This gives the reader something to look forward to.
Pg. 94-95 – Sarah and Mark came out of nowhere. Is there a relationship between Julie and Sarah and Mark?
Overall: There isn't enough action throughout the story. In addition there are too many conversations that doesn't do anything for the story. If the story is about Julie, try eliminating every scene without Julie and see what's left. Matilda's self-gropping scene can go, Tania and her side-kick's scene can be shorten significantly. Also more drama can be used to spice things up a bit.
Good luck with future screenplays! I'll take a pass on this one.
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Tristan, a 20 something year old visits Port Wikkalyn in search of love but finds himself intangled in a sea witches hold.
There are several issues with this story. First of all the sea witch is a good concept however the content, or the story surrounding the sea witch and Tristan is very weak and needs serious revising. Tristan needs to have a solid goal. What is he after?...
Tristan, a 20 something year old visits Port Wikkalyn in search of love but finds himself intangled in a sea witches hold.
There are several issues with this story. First of all the sea witch is a good concept however the content, or the story surrounding the sea witch and Tristan is very weak and needs serious revising. Tristan needs to have a solid goal. What is he after? Whom is he after. Early it seems that he is after one of the girls. He questions Rosco about the girls and their mother Gwen. However throughout the screenplay the writer breaks away from the main character, Tristan with several wordy and useless conversations; Pg. 10 – Lucas and Agatha. Pg. 62 – Rosco and Lucas. Pg. 65 – Ben and Lucas. Pg. 73 - Agatha and Besselle. Pg. 85- 86 – Rosco and Cathy. A lot of dialogue can be reviewed and cut from the script. The writer must get to the point in each scene. May I add that the characters are general and lack description. Most of the women are simply beautiful and lacking characteristics.
Here are some page by page items;
Pg. 2 – Mr. Norrel is mentioned early in the story yet has no significance to the story.
Pg. 20 – Too much shifting back and forth between characters. Rosco, Tristan, Gwen.
Tristan takes pictures with his camera. He didn’t take pictures before. Why now? Pg. 25, Once again a shift to two characters, Lucas and Ben.
Pg. 21 – Too much dialogue. Get to the point.
Pg. 28 – Too much mumbo-jumbo with the large sea creature. Where did that come from?
Pg. 30 – Agatha says, ‘Gwen thought he was bad news.’ Perhaps there should be a better way to show Gwen’s dislike for Tristan. Show, don’t tell.
Pg. 34 – Tristan is interested in getting photos of the mermaid Gwen. This is where the action begans.
Pg. 37 – Again we lose the main character. This page focuses on Besselle and the male escort.
Pg. 55 – By now, Tristan and the reader should have an idea what it takes to stop the sea witch or rather what would eliminate or hurt a sea witch. There is nothing so far.
Another issue, the old ‘no one is good enough for my daughter’ is clichéd and doesn’t work in modern day stories. Perhaps he should be after something else or some object one of the women may possess.
Cathy’s intro is ‘another beautiful woman.’ This doesn’t say anything about her personality or characteristic.
Pg. 75-80 Good action. However what does Tristan have to lose? What is he after?
Final Image;
The last scene; Lucas shoots himself. This does nothing for the story. What happens to Tristan? If he's the main character, we want to know that he came out alright.
Suggestions:
Tristan perhaps wants a photo of faeries thus he takes a vacation to the Port Wikky and gets put through hell to get a photo.
There are numerous possibilities that can derive from this story however the writer should be clear and concise as to what the main character is after. I can see Tristan taking a vacation to get a photos of this mysterious sea witch yet ends up fighting to stay alive thus he has something to lose, his life. He is after something. (Photos of a sea witch that he perhaps heard about.) Perhaps he falls for one of the girls. He can get the right girl in the end after he kills off the sea witch. Killing the sea witch must somehow help the people of Port Wikkalyn. Many, many possibilities. have fun with the rewrite.
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Maybe I'm one of those people who don't quite get it. I have to admit I had trouble following the story. The symbolism overweighs the actual story in my opinion. In the end, the cutting of the throat was significant to the story however there wasn't much context to keep my attention. I really don't like to read about a movie just to understand what really happened and this...
Maybe I'm one of those people who don't quite get it. I have to admit I had trouble following the story. The symbolism overweighs the actual story in my opinion. In the end, the cutting of the throat was significant to the story however there wasn't much context to keep my attention. I really don't like to read about a movie just to understand what really happened and this was one of those cases. I even watched the movie twice just to see if I picked up something I may have missed and both times watching, I didn't quite get the jist of the story.
I have to admit the cinematography was excellent in every way. I loved the colors, shadows, light, etc. The pencils lined up was nothing but art. Every photo, close up was done by someone who definately knows their stuff.
I can tell a lot of hard work went into this production, however I am going to have to pass on this one.
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