There's a lot of action and violence packed into these two pages. The structure is concise and strong, but there isn't much depth to the story. My suggestions would be to flesh out the characters, add dialog, and give the reader some more background information on the main character and what is actually taking place.
There's no clue throughout the story who is chasing the main character or why, and in the end, the reader still doesn't know what happened. It leaves an empty feeling of “well, what was that about?” It's fast writing, energetic, and entertaining, but a lot of fluff.
There's no substance to the story to give it meaning. If not “meaning,” because this doesn't seem like a story with a message, then at least understanding. The reader should be allowed to understand who is in the story and what is going on in order to care about the characters and the outcome. Otherwise, this is just an exercise in writing violent, faced paced, paranoid, action scenes.
More depth will build tension, mystery, suspense, and add emotional impact to the ending. As it is, it's hard to care about the character or whatever the plot is because the reader isn't given enough information.
More work by the writer could turn this into a wonderful story, but it needs more information.
Good start though.
Review of: Conspiracy (1st Draft?)
reviewed by Suesea on 09/27/2010
Other Reviews by Suesea 171
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