Starting out, I thought I'd be following Adam. I started to feel something for the dismayed bartender. Even after, Jacob came in. And especially after Jacob told Adam the soccer story.
Then, just like that, I was reading about a guy named Roger. Then, Jacob shows up, again.
Luckily, for the writer, the story is well told after this. When Jacob arrived home and has a stint with Iris, the block bully, I found myself wondering what would become od Jacob. I still found myself thinking back to Adam, for a mere second.
The ending leads itself out. Due to the telling of the soccer story in the bar. (more punch here if it was Adam telling Jacob the story. Not the other way around)
The only problems I have with the short are these:
It feels as if we should follow Adam from the start. Maybe, try and have a debate between Jacob and Iris from the start. Then, bring Jacob to the bar.
The story took a couple of hard turns from character to character in the beginning. From Adam to Pete to Jacob to Roger. Keep the main character interacting with these folks. Then, add what is needed to display what you want.
Some of the paragraphs seem to stretch forever. Try and break them up a bit.
All in all, a well told story. I enjoyed it, once I located the main character. As for typo's: i.e punctuation, I'm sure there are more than a few. But, I can't talk much about this. I'm not that great with it myself.
Bottom Line: enjoyable.
Review of: Pour me
reviewed by jeffwinterton98 on 07/30/2009
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