Ah-Ha review
So I’m 20 pages in. You’ve got a nice style in your dialog, but there’s just too much of it. All the really good parts are drowned by all the excess filler. I’m 20 pages in and the plot has barely moved an inch, it’s just lots and lots of talking without much action. I get you’re trying to be funny and slick and tarantinoesque but it doesn’t amount to much without action. Talk is cheap for a reason.
We finally get some action on Pg 31 with the robbery, but then it’s over way too fast and the cops spend well over 20 pages interrogating Profit/Omar. The robbery and the subsequent robbing of the robbers could have been a great source of comedy had it been drawn out and allowed to play, but you skip right over it and instead waste pages and pages of talking on the interrogation scenes.
My favorite thing about most heist movies is the planning. The criminals say ”this is what we’re going/have to do and this is how it’s supposed to go down” and then everything goes to shit. Your story does not have a setup like that and suffers for it.
I also think the story suffers largely from having the police involved so soon. The conflict should be between Profit and the people that robbed him and the police should only be a looming threat. I know this is meant to be a comedy, and although you have some snappy dialog, it doesn’t make up for the poor structure. You have some funny lines but the situations the characters find themselves in are increasingly not funny.
If you look at some of Tarantino’s movies or even a movie like The Hangover, what makes them funny is that a sense of danger is always present (be it guys with guns or Mike Tyson or a meat-eating tiger in the bathroom). If Profit and Omar were debating race relations while people were shooting at them or pointing guns at them (throughout) it would be much funnier, but aside from the robbery and the finale there are no guns or real sense of danger to punctuate the snappy lines.
I’m also not crazy about the main character’s first name. It seems too gimmicky and it’s hard to take him seriously (I do like the name “Macaroni Tony” though). And the title isn't that catchy either. If you're keeping the main character's first name, I suggest "Profit's Motive".
My biggest advice would be to down on the dialog and bump up the forward motion of the story. Balance your action and dialog. I hope my comments will be helpful.
Other Reviews by cswood
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Nitpicky, on Pg 1 “Fade In” should be at the top of the page above your first slugline/scene header.
Also, referencing shots is something you want to avoid. Tell us only what we need to visualize the story. And using parenthicals to tell the potential actors stage directions is also frowned upon. And having characters tell the audience exactly what they are thinking is also...
Nitpicky, on Pg 1 “Fade In” should be at the top of the page above your first slugline/scene header.
Also, referencing shots is something you want to avoid. Tell us only what we need to visualize the story. And using parenthicals to tell the potential actors stage directions is also frowned upon. And having characters tell the audience exactly what they are thinking is also bad. And this is just Page 1. This is all stuff that screams amateur.
The relationship between Megan and James seems very been-there-done-that with her being a rookie who has just “been on the force for a few months” (if that were true why is she investigating murders already?). It might play better if James and Megan have been partners for years and act more like a brother and sister.
I’m at page 40 and there is a whole lot of talking and not much action. I know this is sort of a necessary evil with procedurals, but assuming you’re not trying to make the identity of the killer a big secret it might be worth seeing him (even if he’s in the shadows) stalking his next victim or just introducing the audience to the next victim so we actually care about her when she gets abducted or dies. Or maybe kick off Act 2 with the killer trying to abduct Jennifer and James chases him or they get into a fight, just something to break the monotony.
Speaking of which, having the girls talk about the abductions in flashback kills the tension. We should really see them happening in real-time. And the reading of the letters in their entirety seems like a poor use of space. Just have a few lines read, the important stuff, and ditch the rest. I don’t know if you’re going after a “Se7en” kind of feel, but in that film John Doe had rooms full of notebooks and the movie only reads a short passage out of one and that’s it. Try to mimic that.
In Pg 63 after hearing about Marissa James says “I’m sorry, that’s disturbing, but who cares?” yeah, pretty insensitive for a main character and even worse for a homicide detective.
Your finale is way too talky. Oliver just goes on and on and on and it just feels anticlimactic. I understand the need to “go dark” with horror these days and I’m not saying you need a happy ending, but this one leaves me feeling unsatisfied. If I had to compare this to something, I’d say it should be more like “Taken” where it’s about James trying to rescue Jennifer from Oliver, or Jennifer attempting to kill herself and ending up seriously hurt or in a coma or something and James going after Oliver. That’s something you can put in a trailer or on a poster.
This seems like a script from a writer who hasn’t written that many scripts yet, but although this script has problems it’s not the worst and it is salvageable with enough hard work.
If you’re really serious about this screenwriting thing I strongly recommend buying a copy of “Your Screenplay Sucks” by William Akers. It’s the best book I’ve read that lets you know how to improve your script. Trust me. It will be the best $15 bucks you’ve ever spent.
Until then, I would say you need to work on your structure because there’s too much talking and not enough action. Imagine the trailer to this script. What are the big scenes that would make someone want to pay to see this? Because I honestly don’t think you have any at this point. But please don’t let my comments discourage you. 90% of screenwriting is rewriting. Learn it. Love it.
I hope my comments will be helpful. Good luck on the next draft.
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At 104 pages, it’s a little over long for me, especially since you tend to direct from the page and overwrite in many places. You need to find things to cut to get this closer to 95 pages.
Narrator’s blowup on pg 3 is a bit much and too self-aware. You’ve got a cute beginning, don’t spoil it. In fact, although I see where you’re going and the Narrator does make up much of...
At 104 pages, it’s a little over long for me, especially since you tend to direct from the page and overwrite in many places. You need to find things to cut to get this closer to 95 pages.
Narrator’s blowup on pg 3 is a bit much and too self-aware. You’ve got a cute beginning, don’t spoil it. In fact, although I see where you’re going and the Narrator does make up much of the verbal comedy, you overuse him way too much, especially for exposition. It felt very intrusive in more than a few places. Don’t rely so much on him. Go back and find instances where he’s retelling us information and start cutting anything you can that won’t hurt our understanding of the story.
I see you went there on pg 7 insinuating one of the dead frog used to be a person. That’s pretty dark. And yet, hilarious.
A better line on the bottom of pg 8 after we see the troll eat someone might be “well… you get the idea.” instead of telling us he eats them (since we just saw it eat someone).
You may want to alternate word usage in some areas, like using quizzical two pages in a row (on 10 and 11).
The witches names aren’t distinctive enough for me. You might want to go with something more visual like “fat witch, skinny witch, tall witch” you know, something that will paint a picture in our minds.
“Is it a combination lock? Those won’t be invented for centuries!” I liked that one.
Should be “card shark” on pg 31.
“Did you eat Hansel?” Another nice line.
Having read through to the end, overall it’s good. Structure, story and character are all pretty solid. You’ve obviously put a lot of thought and work into this to make all the pieces fit and it shows.
My only real problem has more to do with the physical writing and your penchant for overdoing it sometimes. You will mention something in your action lines then either repeat it in a parenthical or have the character repeat it. There are some short clean action lines, and then there are long bulky lines that could be trimmed or spaced out. You need to go over each line and lose what you don’t need. It slows down an otherwise fast read.
And maybe it’s just me but your dialog margins seem to be far too wide. I think animated scripts have a slightly different format than film scripts so that could be what it is, but otherwise it looked off to me.
So overall I’d rate the script good across the board. Oh, the only other thing that might be a problem is the fact a “frog princess” movie and a “Rapunzel” movie just came out recently, but I would guess by the time this was optioned and made no one will be thinking of those other films so maybe it’s not such a problem.
I hope my comments will be helpful. Good luck on the next draft.
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It’s rare that I make it all the way through an entire assignment without stopping to take notes, so that’s good. You have a nice, simple, straight-forward drama, but it’s well structured and well told and both of the main characters arc and that’s good as well.
It’s always hard for me to rate straight dramas because there’s rarely any huge plot points or set pieces to hang...
It’s rare that I make it all the way through an entire assignment without stopping to take notes, so that’s good. You have a nice, simple, straight-forward drama, but it’s well structured and well told and both of the main characters arc and that’s good as well.
It’s always hard for me to rate straight dramas because there’s rarely any huge plot points or set pieces to hang your hat on, but I enjoyed it. Aside from a few typos here and there it was a fast and fluid read and I really didn’t have much to complain about.
One thing that ran through my head was I imagined if this were a European story then Jayce and Noreen would have kissed at some point (I almost expected it when they got drunk), but thankfully you didn’t go down that road.
One suggestion I’d like to make is if, while watching the home videos toward the end, if Jayce stumbles upon a video of Abby recording herself and discovering the ring and proclaiming that she will say yes when he asks. Corny? Maybe. But it could be a nice little moment if Jayce and Noreen watch it together for the first time. Just a thought.
That’s all I got. Hope my comments will be helpful. Good luck on the next draft.
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