So I’m 20 pages in. You’ve got a nice style in your dialog, but there’s just too much of it. All the really good parts are drowned by all the excess filler. I’m 20 pages in and the plot has barely moved an inch, it’s just lots and lots of talking without much action. I get you’re trying to be funny and slick and tarantinoesque but it doesn’t amount to much without action. Talk is cheap for a reason.
We finally get some action on Pg 31 with the robbery, but then it’s over way too fast and the cops spend well over 20 pages interrogating Profit/Omar. The robbery and the subsequent robbing of the robbers could have been a great source of comedy had it been drawn out and allowed to play, but you skip right over it and instead waste pages and pages of talking on the interrogation scenes.
My favorite thing about most heist movies is the planning. The criminals say ”this is what we’re going/have to do and this is how it’s supposed to go down” and then everything goes to shit. Your story does not have a setup like that and suffers for it.
I also think the story suffers largely from having the police involved so soon. The conflict should be between Profit and the people that robbed him and the police should only be a looming threat. I know this is meant to be a comedy, and although you have some snappy dialog, it doesn’t make up for the poor structure. You have some funny lines but the situations the characters find themselves in are increasingly not funny.
If you look at some of Tarantino’s movies or even a movie like The Hangover, what makes them funny is that a sense of danger is always present (be it guys with guns or Mike Tyson or a meat-eating tiger in the bathroom). If Profit and Omar were debating race relations while people were shooting at them or pointing guns at them (throughout) it would be much funnier, but aside from the robbery and the finale there are no guns or real sense of danger to punctuate the snappy lines.
I’m also not crazy about the main character’s first name. It seems too gimmicky and it’s hard to take him seriously (I do like the name “Macaroni Tony” though). And the title isn't that catchy either. If you're keeping the main character's first name, I suggest "Profit's Motive".
My biggest advice would be to down on the dialog and bump up the forward motion of the story. Balance your action and dialog. I hope my comments will be helpful.
Review of: Ah-Ha
reviewed by cswood on 01/22/2012
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