AMBITIOUS DIVE INTO DANGEROUS WATERS
Symptoms of Betrayal is a valiant attempt at putting together, via flashback, the reasons behind a school shooting. Pulling it off, however, proves to be too difficult, at least for this go-round, and the end, though revealing, is too abrupt, leaving this reader confused and unfulfilled. How to make it better?
Reduce/consolidate the number of flashbacks. I understand the need to give the viewer everyone's back-story and perspective leading up to the shootings, but I think the number of cuts and scene changes will overwhelm, not enhance, the story-telling. Another problem - Cody's mom and dad are not shaken up enough over the death of their son. One week later and they're both back at work? And Mrs. Williams... it's one thing to characterize/present her as a cold fish, but her iciness, as portrayed here, is just too unbelievable, even laughable... something I'm sure was not intended. The kids, on the other hand, are nicely developed, each with his/her own unique obnoxious characteristics; however, like their adult counterparts, some of their actions and decisions are not to be believed. The bathroom sex, the marriage proposal, wanting the baby, etc. And then there's Cody's death, at the hands of his father... and Dan's cover-up. What, exactly, is that all about? Did Williams see a gun? If he did, will that make him feel better about killing Cody? Will it somehow exonerate him? Finally, the last act should end where it all began, not at the place where Todd gets his reason for shooting the unlucky trio.
A re-write, done smartly, with more character depth, and realistic character behavior, could really work here. The writer tells his story with a quick-paced, no nonsense style, a real plus for anyone hoping to be "read."
Other Reviews by stevles
122
-
The Carrier is a fast-paced, action-laced buddy/buddies movie, only, this time only one buddy out of four remains standing. It's Riley-Taker Vs. Richter-Keller, with only Richter left standing. There are a few other characters who manage to make it to the end credits alive, but you kind of get the feeling that somewhere down the line awaits their comeuppance.
While the story...
The Carrier is a fast-paced, action-laced buddy/buddies movie, only, this time only one buddy out of four remains standing. It's Riley-Taker Vs. Richter-Keller, with only Richter left standing. There are a few other characters who manage to make it to the end credits alive, but you kind of get the feeling that somewhere down the line awaits their comeuppance.
While the story is fresh, original and spiked with some real good banter, it is not quite ready for prime time. While the "fart all night" line works like a charm, too many others like "you're a walking contradiction", and "... looking for condoms", are either on the nose or fall flat.
I know that on the screen, all the characters are visual, easily distinguished and recognized, but on the page... the number introduced early on made my head spin. Will a professional reader, given this assignment, make it past the first ten pages?
Now, about the number of dead. Maybe a Tarantino can get away with it, but a newbie writer like yourself will have a tough time convincing a producer you're not copying
from the Masters. Another problem for mainstream America -- all the main characters are either greedy, murderous villains, or greedy murderous anti-heroes. All except Richter, a sniveling, cowardly loser.
As for the story itself, structure, originality, pacing and denouement? Nice job.
read
-
While a too overly simplistic writing style and occasional miss-spellings tweaked my sensibilities, as bios go, this was a nice piece of work. Good guys, bad guys, exciting conflicts, heroic resolutions... Colter really does have it all -- well, almost all. As it stands right now, it's more a series of incidents (episodic) than a single story. Yes, Colter's quest is to find...
While a too overly simplistic writing style and occasional miss-spellings tweaked my sensibilities, as bios go, this was a nice piece of work. Good guys, bad guys, exciting conflicts, heroic resolutions... Colter really does have it all -- well, almost all. As it stands right now, it's more a series of incidents (episodic) than a single story. Yes, Colter's quest is to find his friend, Potts, but that in itself is not pressing enough to carry us through from beginning to end. Besides, Potts goes on to get killed, leaving Colter, in the end, to run for his own life. I am sure with some tweaking, a more solid story can be constructed, one that could easily include all the fine elements already present in this historic true-life tale. Concept, characters, structure, and especially story, are first rate.
Going over my notes, I am reminded of some problematic dialogue sprinkled throughout the story. The scene in the saloon, for example, comes off as a tad cliched, it's drunken characters too broad to be believed or taken seriously. Captain Thorn, with a stock Captain Bligh "attitude" is another character in need of a freshening.
Overall, a job well done. And, good luck with any revisions you might care to make.
read
-
While the Prodigal was an entertaining read, it was, to say the least, fraught with problems.
Too many, I mean, too many typo and technical errors intrude on, what should have been, a smooth read. Ketel One spelled Kettel One; Characters go uncapped; Sonny capped SSONY in one place, SON in another and SONNY SONNY (pg. 57) in a third. Edna let's go of an arm instead of...
While the Prodigal was an entertaining read, it was, to say the least, fraught with problems.
Too many, I mean, too many typo and technical errors intrude on, what should have been, a smooth read. Ketel One spelled Kettel One; Characters go uncapped; Sonny capped SSONY in one place, SON in another and SONNY SONNY (pg. 57) in a third. Edna let's go of an arm instead of lets go (without apostrophe pg. 61.
Too many CUT TO's and CU's spoil the flow, as well.
More importantly, the dialogue among all of the "New York" characters is less New York than Catskill/Borscht-belt shtick that Billy Crystal and Neil Simon would disown... okay, maybe not Neil Simon. Interestingly, all the characters under the age of 55+ deliver some real smart dialogue. Melissa's intro to Sonny, for example, is first-rate. As for Solly, Frannie, Evie and Jake... "Oy vey!" doesn't begin to describe the stereotypical dialogue they're saddled with. And poor Alex, must she say "ju" almost every time she speaks?
As for Sonny, I can't possibly believe this so ethnic an actor/character could ever be a star outside of Hester Street. As for Melissa's fate at the hands of director Cody's frat boy antics, there needs to be more there for it to ring true. Finally, and maybe it's just me, but I don't see how Sonny and his dad's reunion (with Robbie) back in NY pulls the piece together.
The positives;
As I've already stated, the dialogue given the younger characters is more than good. Melissa's character is beautifully drawn and Cody's is properly despicable.
The story itself, of an aging star in need of a new life, is not a bad one. Sonny is a likeable protagonist, a guy you really want to root for.
I think the story is there, from first page to last. Maybe you can, in its current form, find an independent producer with a fondness for this antiquated art form. If not, you might consider restructuring the characters where perhaps Sonny is the bridge between the Evie and Franny's of the world and everyone else that follows.
Good luck with this. If you do re-write it with a more contemporary edge, let me know.
read
+ more reviews
