Review of: The Senator 

reviewed by Watchie on 11/25/2011
Credited Review
Watchie
An Interesting Read, but needs to find it's way Credited Review
First and foremost, I liked this screenplay. It was well structured and the subject matter was current and interesting. That said, as I read it a number of questions came to mind.

First, do you intend this to be an over-the-top satire or a drama? It has elements of both, obviously, but at times they seem to interfere with each other. That said, you could go either way, but pick one, and if it is satire, pump up the humorous elements. If you pick drama, tone down the more absurd elements (including but not limited to the big box store name).

Second, the middle-east bad guys were a bit confusing. What was their ultimate goal? Simply to make money off a pipeline? Hell, that is already the case - how did they get so rich in the first place. Same for the relationship between the father and son. Why would the son so willingly betray his father? And why would his father not know that his son was so straight?

Third, work a bit on the good reverend. He's slime, of course, but go with that a bit - it's a good element to your story.

Fourth, the techno geeks made no sense. What was their "big" project? Why were they following the senator?

The gay themes were good. Expand them. Right now it is too formulatic. That said, if you make this a satire, take them over the top - way over the top. Have the senator wearing bare-ass chaps and riding a mechanical bull somewhere.

Last comment has to do with the Senator's wife. The ending was simply too easy as it related to her. She, in my mind, would have been very, very bitter with regard to the Senator's betrayal of their marriage. She also was not constructed as a political person, so having her now hold office did not work for me. Same with having her now in a relationship with the Senator's aide.


Again, I liked the story, and no problems visualizing the settings, characters, etc. But pick a direction - satire or drama.

Oh, and fix the typos. There were a bunch (and this is from the king of the typo).

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