Atmospheric and Creepy
Very atmospheric and creepy. I wasn't sure what the significance of the naked clown was, or the 5 year old boy. They were certainly scary and sometimes I guess it's good not to have an explanation. By the end of the story I would like an indicator as to whether perhaps the narrator was dead and in hell, or whether he was in an actual house which had supernaturally appeared and reappeared. I know that in Irish mythology, faeries would create fake houses to which they'd lure travellers, before dragging them to hell.
I would also like a sense of whether the narrator's wife and son had actually been burned alive in a fire maybe? If not, how were they lured to the house or how were they killed?
The Buyer could be elaborated on a bit more I think. Is he the Devil? Who is he?
It was a cool, nightmarish story but I needed a little bit more explanation at the end. In fact, it might be cool to add an extra para or two where he is taken to see his wife and son. What state are they in? Perhaps the clown shows him into a dark room and turns on a light...and he sees his wife and son half-dead covered in gnawing, starving, rats!
Well done. Creeped me out big time!
Other Reviews by dunphoid
108
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Fun story that brightened my day.
Very nice location description in opening paragraph subtly interwoven with history.
For the hero the use of "smallish" to describe him didn't read right to me. Maybe give a sense of his small size/proportion compared to the chair he's sat on or the table he's sat at? By the same token, tallish seemed okay for Rocky (the bad guy!). "Smallish"...
Fun story that brightened my day.
Very nice location description in opening paragraph subtly interwoven with history.
For the hero the use of "smallish" to describe him didn't read right to me. Maybe give a sense of his small size/proportion compared to the chair he's sat on or the table he's sat at? By the same token, tallish seemed okay for Rocky (the bad guy!). "Smallish" just kind of sticks with Tom as an unflattering overall impression.
Little snapshots of dialogue (even just one line) from Rocky would be nice just after "the centre of attention in the middle of the cigarette smoke filled bar, and in the "Rocky had immediately informed everyone" paragraph.
"TT motorcycle races" -- not needed I feel. The British Olympic team and the eventual "better swimmer" examples convey him enough I think.
Love the moment when Tom speaks up.
"Thus" -- bit dated
Couple of typos:
"black dog. Will"
"One the pub’s regulars"
This line could be broken up I feel: "One the pub’s regulars Albert Preston a middle aged man with a pockmarked face who doubled as the local rat catcher who also played the piano in the pub on a Saturday night was nodding sagely,"
Dialogue here reads overly staccato (rest of your dialogue is great): “It’s a bet then Rocky. Let‘s get on with
it. My dinner‘s at three. Can‘t be late for it. My landlady is a devil for timekeeping.” Perhaps the bar lady could back and forth with him briefly here to break it up a bit?
"both eyeing the swirling river Don with a more than doubtful look in their eyes" -- I like this moment a lot.
Exciting -- the build-up to the contest.
Liked “Get on with it!” -- funny but also conveys the eager anticipation of the crowd.
Overall, a feel-good story with a nice little 'bonus' twist at the end which made me smile.
Nice story! Nice specific sense of location and the people who live there. The more I write I'm discovering that getting some solid locations setup properly is half the battle...so you're definitely 'on the money' :o) Thanks for the read, and best of luck!
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I enjoyed Reviewing Rachel. A neat twist at the end reminiscent of The Ring-type curses that get passed on and on…always good chilling territory. The story taps into human greed and lies in its approach to plagiarism, which gives the story a bit more substance than a mere curse-passed-on-chain story.
It's not until later in the story I noticed the "aged casement windows" and...
I enjoyed Reviewing Rachel. A neat twist at the end reminiscent of The Ring-type curses that get passed on and on…always good chilling territory. The story taps into human greed and lies in its approach to plagiarism, which gives the story a bit more substance than a mere curse-passed-on-chain story.
It's not until later in the story I noticed the "aged casement windows" and "first floor apartment of the old house". For a horror story, I'd like to see much more location/setting info for Nick upfront. I craved the 'feeling' a specific sense of location would give me from the story get-go.
I think you could cut from the end of "terribly wrong of late." to "It was almost six months ago" and not miss much.
It was cool the way you swoop into the world of Rachel's vampire story.
I liked the use of 'aloof' for the cat.
I loved the Rachel's mesmerising bio -- very nice writing here.
The spell-casting went on a bit too long for me (pages 5 and 6)…my mind started to wander. I would prefer a a simple quick spell from her and then BANG -- there's a terrible skulking demon brute in the room right behind poor old Nick. That's just my taste however…preferring things a little snappier at times.
As I said, I enjoyed this. Nice and visual…with the standout moments being the descent into Rachel's vampire story and then her bio. Thanks for the read, and best of luck.
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This is a fun story in which a guy resorts to murder in order to secure the girl of his dreams. The strongest part of the story for me was within the Silver Link pub. That scene buzzed with life. I would have liked more of the story to have been set in there. I could really 'see' and hear this place, whereas all the other locations didn't appear to me as well.
I couldn't...
This is a fun story in which a guy resorts to murder in order to secure the girl of his dreams. The strongest part of the story for me was within the Silver Link pub. That scene buzzed with life. I would have liked more of the story to have been set in there. I could really 'see' and hear this place, whereas all the other locations didn't appear to me as well.
I couldn't help thinking of 'Dexter' and how Dexter brazenly marches into a bar, wedding reception or even an airport terminal, and he always finds a way to get the guy alone (in the restroom for example) so he can either warn the guy to back off, or drug and whisk him away out a back exit to be killed without anyone noticing.
Getting to the caravan was enjoyable enough. However, I think a lot of this conflict could be accomplished within the pub location. Ideally have the girl Sarah in the pub too with one or two of her friends. Davis could still be whisked away and buried under the concrete.
I just think that by having majority the conflict play 'live' in one pub scene, then there is greater potential for tension (Davis could be making public lewd comments to the girl and her friends and then has his hands all over her) and things to go wrong for our anti-hero.
The first two paragraphs got in the way of getting into the thrust of the story I feel. I'd prefer the story to begin with a modified final paragraph on p1 with brief scene setting leading into the narrator driving over the flyover and thinking of Davis.
Overall, an enjoyable story, and a nice swift read. Good luck!
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