What a fun story. It reminded me of Critters, with little beady eyed flesh eating monsters. The story was very intriguing and flowed really well in some spots. Your strength is definitely your inventive and colorful assimilations. They can be a little confusing in places and interrupt the rhythm, but its obvious you have a passion for it.
Part 1 set up a vague story, but was very descriptive at the same time. You explained all the details that surrounded you, but refrained from the character detail. You explained next to nothing about your friend so I didn't really care about her. Be specific and informative. What is her name? Are you lovers if you are having a 'frisky' night? Why should I care about her? One piece I found contradictory was as the night was ending you both resigned to drinking water (oh wait) - except for the liquor we were still drinking. Sometimes falling in love with a line, you have to set it free.
Real quick, entrails? Really?
I didn't understand the sequence break up. What marked the start of part 2? In traditional storytelling there is an event usually accompanied by a decision that signals the next sequence. This had already occurred when you decided to make the split and it was confusing to me, but nothing serious. The images were strong enough that I got the shivers once or twice whilst reading. Strong imagery is hard to write. Pursue that. Show the reader, don't tell the reader.
Part 3 was a bit more weak than part 2. Some of the exposition felt like a first draft. You had a great opportunity for heightened suspense as you fled the car, but didn't use it. And your friend didn't seem too concerned that you were leaving her. These are small details that take a story from average to great.
You have a passion for writing and love to build your vocabulary to reach new depths in storytelling, but some basic principals are missing. Great job and a great effort.
Other Reviews by croonie 5
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A review of Online Datingby croonie on 09/21/2011If I were to pinpoint one thing that I enjoyed about this short, I would say the outtakes. This looks like it was so fun to shoot. The tight group of filmmakers just having a laugh and shooting a short. Unfortunately having fun on set does not result in a successfully realized short film. Starting with the story, I was bored with the initial scene. I'm glad he didn't continue... read
A review of The Evolution of Captain Awesumby croonie on 04/13/2010The strongest points are the story and structure. The ending is especially well written and definitely evokes an emotion that I didn't feel during the first two acts. I can clearly see the events that provide fuel for the structure progression, and the story stays fluid. Good job. There are some lengthy parts e.g. the first scene; and I think some diversity in actions and... read