This isn't normally the genre that I read/watch, but I have seen some similar movies.
I really liked the storyline. It was a little tough to get into and slightly confusing at the beginning; but once I adapted to the flow, I was engrossed.
You really did a great job with the characters and their actions/reactions made a lot of sense. They were well thought out characters that I could relate to.
I especially loved Bob. He was a drunk and kind of an idiot, but he was such a fun, believeable character. It was really cool how he was the one who inspired Jimmy to get to know his daughter and change his life.
It's something that I can really see making the big screen. I know a few people who would enjoy this immensely, my fiance being one of them.
One thing though...Yumi's husband was a little too reasonable and trusting of Jimmy for someone who had walked out on his daughter and her mother. I would think he'd comfort Yumi briefly himself and kind of glare at Jimmy like 'see what you've done to her?' then maybe Jimmy convinces Axelrod to let him see Aiko.
But here are a few pointers on some small things to fix:
pg. 1-2: Jimmy's voiceover-unless the facts are significant to the storyline, we don't need to know them
pg 8: Mrs. Lundvall's dialogue-"The school bus will be here any minute." instead
pg 34: You don't need to repeat bob's name a second time so close together
pg. 38: Jimmy's second dialogue, the last sentence doesn't make sense...
pg 64: Mrs. Lundvall's third dialogue-"Just as long as you're not getting into any trouble."
pg 69: Jimmy's first V.O. doesn't make sense...
This has INCREDIBLE potential. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You're a great writer who obviously has a lot to say. Keep pushing. You'll get there. Someone will see your potential...just like I did. Good luck!!!
Review of: Close Your Eyes And Floor It - 2nd Draft
reviewed by gromano on 10/01/2010
Other Reviews by gromano 17
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