Awesome :D
This isn't normally the genre that I read/watch, but I have seen some similar movies.
I really liked the storyline. It was a little tough to get into and slightly confusing at the beginning; but once I adapted to the flow, I was engrossed.
You really did a great job with the characters and their actions/reactions made a lot of sense. They were well thought out characters that I could relate to.
I especially loved Bob. He was a drunk and kind of an idiot, but he was such a fun, believeable character. It was really cool how he was the one who inspired Jimmy to get to know his daughter and change his life.
It's something that I can really see making the big screen. I know a few people who would enjoy this immensely, my fiance being one of them.
One thing though...Yumi's husband was a little too reasonable and trusting of Jimmy for someone who had walked out on his daughter and her mother. I would think he'd comfort Yumi briefly himself and kind of glare at Jimmy like 'see what you've done to her?' then maybe Jimmy convinces Axelrod to let him see Aiko.
But here are a few pointers on some small things to fix:
pg. 1-2: Jimmy's voiceover-unless the facts are significant to the storyline, we don't need to know them
pg 8: Mrs. Lundvall's dialogue-"The school bus will be here any minute." instead
pg 34: You don't need to repeat bob's name a second time so close together
pg. 38: Jimmy's second dialogue, the last sentence doesn't make sense...
pg 64: Mrs. Lundvall's third dialogue-"Just as long as you're not getting into any trouble."
pg 69: Jimmy's first V.O. doesn't make sense...
This has INCREDIBLE potential. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You're a great writer who obviously has a lot to say. Keep pushing. You'll get there. Someone will see your potential...just like I did. Good luck!!!
Other Reviews by gromano
17
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Concept: Your concept is very unique and lends a little bit to the mystery that is love. It doesn't always go how you expect and attempts to control it can definitely backfire. I love how you illustrate that so playfully in your screenplay.
Characters: They're a little one dimensional. I think you need to work on developing them just a bit more. We all have contradictions...
Concept: Your concept is very unique and lends a little bit to the mystery that is love. It doesn't always go how you expect and attempts to control it can definitely backfire. I love how you illustrate that so playfully in your screenplay.
Characters: They're a little one dimensional. I think you need to work on developing them just a bit more. We all have contradictions. So should fictional characters. It makes it easier for the viewer to connect with them. Abbey especially is very flat. There's no real conflict going on with her.
Dialogue: It was kind of boring and just a little cheesy. There was nothing that really stuck out that made it different from any other romantic comedy. Your dialogue is what's going to make your screenplay. The actions of your characters overshadowed their dialogue quite a bit, making the dialogue kind of trite. You want to find a balance with both.
Story: There really aren't any unexpected plot turns, which makes this kind of a slow story. The only real shocking plot turn is Brett hitting Cupid, but things kind of fall flat after that.
Structure: The overall structure is good, but the lack of interesting plot points really overshadows that.
Overall: It's an okay story, but not something I'd be scrambling to see. It's more like a $1 DVD rental. If you can develop your characters a bit more (give them more contradictions and faucets) and add more unexpected twists, you could make this so much better.
P.S.--I'd change the title to just "Cupid". We all know his job description and the one word title just seems to be an easier way to summarize the story. With that one word, we'll get what it's about.
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Concept: I like your concept. It's an original take on what could have been a very cliche story. Your overall concept is fairly strong, but could use a little work as far as the details.
Characters: I had a hard time connecting with the protagonists at the beginning. They seemed a bit cliche. They didn't really develop their own life until the end when they broke out of their...
Concept: I like your concept. It's an original take on what could have been a very cliche story. Your overall concept is fairly strong, but could use a little work as far as the details.
Characters: I had a hard time connecting with the protagonists at the beginning. They seemed a bit cliche. They didn't really develop their own life until the end when they broke out of their stereotypes. I think you need to build them a bit more from the beginning so that we're cheering them on from the start.
Dialogue: Most of your dialogue was okay, but there wasn't anything fantastic about it. Maybe that's why I had such a hard time really getting into the story. A good screenplay isn't about action or explosions. A good screenplay should excite the viewer with dialogue and the character(s) reaction to the situation. Their experiences make that reaction just a little bit more unique than what another person would do in their situation.
Story: You have a few minor little things that bog down the story, mostly dialogue issues. For example, I didn't really feel anything about Matt's wife dying. You didn't show us enough of the good in their relationship--the love and devotion--for us to want them back together. I think this is what you want the reader to feel. The death scene was woefully lacking mostly because all we saw was her hating him, which doesn't make her "You were right. We could have worked" line very believeable at all. What we saw was her turning the gun on Matt without hesitation. As far as we're concerned she's a cold, calculating bitch who doesn't care about anyone but herself. She doesn't even flinch at the thought of having to kill to survive. Show us her softer side somehow, then we might feel something when she dies.
Structure: Your overall structure is very strong. Other than minor details, I don't think you need to alter the structure really.
Overall: I love the ending! It's so unexpected and ramps it right back up, preparing us for the next adventure. It definitely pulls the viewer back in. The problem with your story is in the details and details do matter. You have a potentially awesome screenplay here. The suggestions that I would make are: 1. don't try so hard on the dialogue. Show us the character(s)'s true self without being too trite. 2. Add more dimension to your characters. As Walt Whitman once said, "Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself. I am large and I contain multitudes." It's the nature of being Human. Even at our most basic level, our actions don't always match our words or our image of ourselves.
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Concept: I love it! I’m not usually a horror movie fan, but this had me totally engrossed! I can definitely tell that you love horror movies and have a talent for crafting a wonderful story. It’s so original for a horror movie. I don’t think I’ve seen one like it!
Characters: Your characters are so wonderfully multi-dimensional and have so many complex faucets. They were so...
Concept: I love it! I’m not usually a horror movie fan, but this had me totally engrossed! I can definitely tell that you love horror movies and have a talent for crafting a wonderful story. It’s so original for a horror movie. I don’t think I’ve seen one like it!
Characters: Your characters are so wonderfully multi-dimensional and have so many complex faucets. They were so believable and true to life. I couldn’t get enough of them! You really brought the main character into the spotlight and developed him superbly.
Dialogue: Your dialogue was spot on! Every word helped move the story so smoothly and there were no unnecessary pieces. Everything led the viewer to slowly unveil the truth behind the disappearances. I’m impressed and even a little envious.
Story: What can I say but ‘bravo!’. It was very well crafted and the plot twists were excellent! It really makes you want to stay in the story to the end. This is for sure a big screen worthy script! You should try sending it to some big production companies. There’s even a few producers that specialize in horror that you could talk to.
Structure: Very well done and supremely sturdy. It would hold up to even the reddest pen of the harshest critic! I myself only found a couple of small things. You’re well on your way!
Overall: An excellently-crafted story with sound structure, strong dialogue, true-to-life characters and an original plot! I’d watch it in theaters in a heartbeat!
A couple of small improvements that would help make a great screenplay even better!
Pg. 1--The man calling for help seems to take away from the mystery a little. Maybe have him “trip, the screen goes to black, then a masculine scream echoes in the night”.
Maybe blend the first two scenes together as a sort of montage.
Or even this:
After the scream in the above scene...
“Man wakes in a...
DARK, DANK ROOM...”
Then at the end of the scene, have him black out instead of screaming.
Or even take the second scene out entirely. Leave some mystery as to what’s going on. It will add drama to the very last scene.
Next scene--Try ‘cradles’ instead of ‘carries’ It’s a more interesting action verb.
Pg. 21--I think it’s ‘homey’, not ‘homesy’
Pg. 22--Daisy’s line. Spell out the school name the first time. The viewer doesn’t know what UNH means.
Oh, I know one producer who would love this! His name is Joe Cardone. He’s made some greats like The Stepfather, Prom Night and The Covenant. My screenwriting teacher introduced my class to him, but I don’t writer horror really. You might be able to find his website or his email address if you Google it. You might even find a mailing address for him. Definitely pitch your script! He’ll probably get it on the big screen if he likes it.
Also, here is a link for a site seeking scripts: http://www.hollywoodlitsales.com/guestbooks/2/board2.shtml
Keep writing!
P.S.--If you decide to send your script to someone, it’s worth the investment to register it with the Writer’s Guild. It’s only $20 and protects your script from being stolen. It’s great for drafts of a script and mostly protects your idea. I’d guard this one like it’s your baby (which I’m sure it is). The link is here: http://www.wgawregistry.org/webrss/
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