Not having read the first any previous versions, I was already a little dubious having read you production notes. It's your script, and you can do what you want with it, but if you put it up on this site it's gonna get feedback. I understand it's a fun family comedy, but there's a lot of tightening up to do in this script.
On the positive side, there were a lot of cute and funny moments. Did I smile? Yes. Did I chuckle? Absolutely. There's some really smart and fast dialogue in this, there should be a lot more.
Unfortunately, I feel like I've seen this movie, or some version of it, many times before. The beginning was kind of a big question. There was a whole lot of, "What? Huh? What's going on?"
All of the plot points were extremely predictable. None of the men were really likable until the end, and there really wasn't any explanation for their change of heart. Below you'll find my play-by-play, which I freely admit is very specific. (Annoyingly, at times, I know.)
I think if you really believe in this script you might want to start from the beginning and rethink the plot movements, really surprise your audience.
Pardon while I nitpick:
Pg. 1-Capitalize the E in everyone. You don't need a slugline for everything we need to look at. This isn't a shooting script.
Pg. 5-Should read Announcer's Table.
Try to eliminate the (MORE) at the bottom of the page. Do what it takes to make it fit on one page or the other.
Pg. 7-Same with the (MORE).
Pg. 9-We've now gone through three 'finale'-type scenesa and watched the Bulldogs become progressively fatter, lazier, yet inexplicably more dominating each time. Also, despite their success, no one seems to care. Not what usually happens with a succesful team, no matter what they look like.
We've also seen nothing of what goes on in between. I know what you're trying to do, but you've taken almost all of the first ten pages and barely introduced your characters. Maybe start later, with some quick flashbacks?
"Cynthia rests her case." How? Show, don't tell.
Pg. 10-I'm really confused. If they're the worst ones out there, why did they just win a championship? The third one in a row? It would make more sense if they were just arrogant about being an over dominating team.
Patty should be introduced along with the others, unless she enters later. This is unclear.
Pg. 11-...back down TO earth.
Pg. 14-The attack comes from nowhere, seemingly. If Herm had more of a 'oh no, not again' demeanor it would work much better. Nice characterization of him, though. Definitely not rooting for him.
Pg. 18-What's sixteen-inch ball? I don't have a good visual. Are they socking a ball sixteen inches in diameter out of the park? Describe it for us.
The introduction to the team is amusing. Herm seems like a fat Kurt Russell.
Pg. 27-P.V.'s line got me laughing.
Pg. 32-Cynthia's second line should have a (cont'd).
Pg. 33-The same.
Pg. 35-The wad of gum bit is funny.
Pg. 37-I KNOW this is a cute comedy, but the Bulldogs' secret to success was swearing and beer? I would rather see the women beating the men at their own game.
Pg. 39-Poorly written in terms of who is who. Make it clearer.
Pg. 40-It's modern times and this town has no little league for girls? Why wouldn't Herm help her out, seeing how Bobby wants nothing to do with baseball?
It keeps occuring to me that these women would make deathly enemies out of a league that is probably built on hanging out and getting sloshed while playing softball.
Pg. 56-Do these people have children? Are they left at home?
Pg. 70-What decade did this Herm guy come from?
Pg. 77-"I just wish..." Would she really say that to her kid? Maybe as an aside walking from the room.
Pg. 83-"I'm between you and her." I like that.
Pg. 91-'Shove it up his...' That's cute in an Austin Powers way.
Pg. 99-Come on, not come one.
Review of: Ballbusters
reviewed by krtshadow on 05/06/2006
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