Thank you for sharing your short story. I hope these notes are helpful. If any of them ring true consider them for your next rewrite.
Page 1. Second sentence, “Depressed and wanting to get out of bed.” is a sentence fragment. You may want to combine with the first sentence.
Liked the twist at the end, it had a twilight zone or outer limits feel.
What does the main character want? I get that they are depressed, but if there was a goal or something they were fighting for it could up the ante and build conflict through the story. Maybe there’s something physically they try to do in the room and have difficulty.
Much of the short story seems to be told, we aren’t shown what’s happening. Maybe a flashback to how the protagonist ended up in the situation. Or a description of the accident.
The tone of the story is very dark, you may want to consider adding some slight shifts of tone.
Review of: Do You Smell That?
reviewed by Lanceeliot on 09/11/2011
Other Reviews by Lanceeliot 11
A review of To Change the Channelby Lanceeliot on 09/11/2011Thank you for sharing your short story. I have a couple notes and suggestions. If any of this rings true, I hope it’s helpful for your next rewrite. Opening paragraph seems to be a critique of morning radio shows. It summarizes the narrator’s feelings about radio shows. In the second paragraph we get more detail in talking about Travis T. Hipp. You may want to open... read
A review of Toy Soldiersby Lanceeliot on 09/14/2009What works: The pacing moves at a decent pace. Plot development is interesting, telling the story from two viewpoints. The script deals with a lot of important issues that are often glossed over. The problems in Africa seem insurmountable. How the script could be improved? We learn early on what Sabu's goals are and those goals are pretty clear throughout. With Kaufman,... read
A review of The Bargainby Lanceeliot on 07/21/2009Hi, following are my notes, suggestions, and thoughts. Take the notes you agree with and disregard the rest. What worked? The descriptions are very detailed. I liked the Woman in White and the portrait you drew of her. I think any scares, frights, creeps you can put in a movie during the daytime make the nighttime scenes that much more frightening. I felt you clearly... read