Review of: Do You Smell That? 

reviewed by Lanceeliot on 09/11/2011
Credited Review
Lanceeliot
Be careful what you wish for Credited Review
Thank you for sharing your short story. I hope these notes are helpful. If any of them ring true consider them for your next rewrite.

Page 1. Second sentence, “Depressed and wanting to get out of bed.” is a sentence fragment. You may want to combine with the first sentence.

Liked the twist at the end, it had a twilight zone or outer limits feel.

What does the main character want? I get that they are depressed, but if there was a goal or something they were fighting for it could up the ante and build conflict through the story. Maybe there’s something physically they try to do in the room and have difficulty.

Much of the short story seems to be told, we aren’t shown what’s happening. Maybe a flashback to how the protagonist ended up in the situation. Or a description of the accident.

The tone of the story is very dark, you may want to consider adding some slight shifts of tone.

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