Other Reviews by lemuel2 31

• 
  Treason is the reason for the season!
  A review of Who Iced Frosty V.2
  by lemuel2 on 10/13/2010
  Man, hats off to one of the most original reads I've encounter in my "tenure" here at TS. The very idea of wrapping fairy tale characters in 1940's detective story. Very nicely done. One of my first concerns was that this script was going to be high on ambition and low on delivery, but I'm pleased to say that it wasn't. The script was very polished. The lines of dialogue... Man, hats off to one of the most original reads I've encounter in my "tenure" here at TS. The very idea of wrapping fairy tale characters in 1940's detective story. Very nicely done.
  
  One of my first concerns was that this script was going to be high on ambition and low on delivery, but I'm pleased to say that it wasn't. The script was very polished. The lines of dialogue very concise and moved the story along at a fluid pace.
  
  The main character was interesting and his little shtick with his sidekick was humorous. The notion of him being the smart one, yet being unable to read, and his sidekick being able to read but is silly as hell was a pretty slick dynamic.
  
  As far as the humor there were some genuine laugh out loud moments here, and many of the jokes that didn't have me laughing out loud, had me chuckling inwardly.
  
  Wow. I mean, how do you market this thing? Animation? I guess not with all the adult content. Do you push it like one of those lampoon films? Hey, I guess that's between you and your agent to discuss. Either way, I read this thing in one sitting and a decent time was to be had by all.
  
  nice one. read
• 
  Story, Story, Story
  A review of Central Dark
  by lemuel2 on 09/12/2010
  Central Dark Review Here's my opinion on your script. Take what you need, dump the rest in the trash. First off, this is a competent script. Cool title. Action lines are neat and to the point. Dialogue is gets the job done, and the characters don't feel like wooden pegs being moved across a story board. This doesn't feel like someone's first attempt at a screenplay at all... Central Dark Review
  
  Here's my opinion on your script. Take what you need, dump the rest in the trash.
  
  First off, this is a competent script. Cool title. Action lines are neat and to the point. Dialogue is gets the job done, and the characters don't feel like wooden pegs being moved across a story board. This doesn't feel like someone's first attempt at a screenplay at all. I also love the idea that the setting isn't some "small town", or some "cabin in the woods". Its in a big city, but a somewhat isolated part of the city. Now, the particulars:
  
  I didn't like Alex, though I kinda liked the way you set him up. Psychopathic problem child, the root of who's psychosis we were going to get a deeper explanation for later in the story. Problem being, we got no explanation. He's a deeply troubled kid in one scene, in the next, he's a "zany", fun loving killer who likes to tell jokes. I don't know, the set up didn't match the payoff for me.
  
  Hey, I know the tone you were trying to go for is "Campy teen horror", bit this one didn't quite hit those notes for me. My notion of "Campy horror" that works is just the right combination of humor and tension. This story HAS a little tension (the spin the bottle scene was great!), but not enough tension to keep me scared, not enough humor to lighten the mood at the right moments, and again, not enough of either to keep the roller coaster going. Watch the first two "screams" and the first "Final Destination" to see what I'm talking about. All decent flicks.
  
  Back to Alex:
  
  Why is he taking the time to hunt a bunch of teenagers in the park when he can be getting away from the cops? I mean, I get what you're going for with his character, he kills simply because it's fun. But jeez, is his sense of logic so far gone that he says to himself, "I just busted myself out from the joint, but... Hey... Wait a minute.... Is that a bunch of teenagers over there? Let's go have some fun!" Again, your aim is to make things light, so I don't want to bog your story down in technicalities, but I'd suggest finding a more believable reason for him wanting to stick around in that park.
  
  Here's my suggestion: Give him a reason for hunting those kids. Don't have him just bump into them. I was hoping from the way you set things up that the people Alex hunts would somehow be related to him, or at the very least have some kind of connection to him. Sort of like the way the character in Halloween was related to Jamie Lee Curtis' character.
  
  I say consider doing away with the kids completely. Consider having Alex realize that Sarah is alive much earlier on. Have the stalking/hunting take place between Alex and her and some of her loved ones. I mean, isn't the mother still alive? Isn't Sarah old enough to have children she would want protected from this guy? instead you sort of have Sarah shoved in at the end for the sake of a twist ending.
  
  Involve Sarah more in the plot and we get a Sarah who's living her life, comforted by the idea that her psycho brother is locked tightly away, only to have the scab ripped off her old wounds at the realization that her brother is on the loose. That she is no longer safe and neither is her family. There is SO much room for story there!
  
  The final thing to ponder is the reality of having this film take place in central park. Me? I think it works. But as a native New Yorker, I certainly know that there are always people hanging out in the city at all hours of night, so just keep in mind that screams, shouts and gunfire will not go unnoticed for too long. Not a criticism. Just something to keep in mind.
  
  In summary, you have skills. Putting together a yarn clearly is not hard for you. I say take the skills you have and try to pull as much character and drama from your story as you can; Yes, even if it is meant to be " A campy horror flick". read
• 
  School is Murder
  A review of Extracurricular
  by lemuel2 on 04/04/2010
  I was ALMOST ready to dismiss this script as being an outright bore. Almost. But then three quarters of the way through it kinda started to kick ass. Things were fairly interesting in the beginning. It kinda felt like a dark comedy set in the world of law students. That by itself is kind of a fresh idea. We see high school and college dramas all the time with a bunch of angst... I was ALMOST ready to dismiss this script as being an outright bore. Almost. But then three quarters of the way through it kinda started to kick ass. Things were fairly interesting in the beginning. It kinda felt like a dark comedy set in the world of law students. That by itself is kind of a fresh idea. We see high school and college dramas all the time with a bunch of angst filled, cleverly quipping youngsters, but law school? That was a bit interesting to me.
  
  I'm not a lawyer, so some of the terminology your characters spouted flew right over my head, but I did appreciate that they spoke the way real law students WOULD speak, and yes, the lay person wouldn't know what the hell they were talking about either.
  
  Things got slightly more interesting when the students started getting into exam preparations. I kind of accepted that maybe it was "that" kind of story where the suspense and tension was wrapped around a bunch of students who may or may not pass a series of exams that would "determine the fate of their careers". So I said, OK. I liked the OWL and NEWT exam portions of the Harry Potter Novels. Still not gripping stuff, but I went along for the ride.
  
  The story started heating up to me when you started to really explore the dynamic between Veronica and Brian. This, for me, started to bear fruit about maybe…three quarters of the way into the story. I really enjoyed how killing Veronica wasn't really Brian's idea. How it was almost a joke, or some kind of misunderstanding that slowly escalated into a reality…almost a necessity. She JUST wouldn't give this guy a break. I don't know if there are a lot of homicides happening in law school, but the Metaphor of Veronica's death was not lost on me. The idea that its competition is so tough out there, that it really is kill or be killed. Nice one.
  
  Some of the characters you introduced early on seemed to fall to the wayside, or Just stopped being important. I mean, was I not paying attention or was Stacy not really in this story at all? As Brian's love interest, I figured she'd have some role to play as his moral compass, helping him to reconsider his thoughts on killing Veronica. I don't know, one minute she's being introduced, the next she's sitting on the beach in a Bikini with Brian at the end of the story.
  
  But speaking of the end…the final speech was very satisfying to experience, and tied together the theme you were trying to convey very nicely. I'm just a little confused as to what the wine bottle with the scratches meant. I mean, seriously, send me an email or something. Does it mean that Brian really DIDN'T kill Veronica? Hmm….I'll have to read that passage again.
  
  This is a tough one. The tension and drama at the end of the story got so thick that I almost feels like it Justified the many passages I had to struggle through just to get to it. I wish the feuding between Brian and Veronica got started much earlier on and flowed seamlessly throughout the rest of the story, AND THEN climaxed where she started to really play dirty and Brian just wouldn't take it anymore. This might warrant some reexamining on your part, and might turn what exists as a very good story into a great one. But as far as your message? How law school almost exists to turn innocent school children into tyrants for the workforce? Spot on. As far as that aspect of the story is concerned, I wouldn't change a thing. read