Believe
I do have to say it's pretty nice work for onlly having 24 hrs to complete this. Thats an accomplishment in itself.
I like how you put in the line and action in this film. Cleverly done with the nerd that just spews out movies lines...usually these things seem forced in these type of films where you have requirements. Those two elements didn't...the nerd on the other hand did. It just seemed very like "oh there's the nerd!" to me.
I did like the ending montage and the voice over with it is very powerful, but the accident kind of hinders the effect of it. I know how difficult it is to create a car accident scene but I think if you tighten the editing a bit more you'll have it down.
Also I wasn't sold on your actors. They seemed robotic. I understand that it was probably difficult to get performance or even credible actors in such short time.
Other than that I enjoyed the story and it was shot pretty well! Good luck with future projects!!
Other Reviews by muckers25
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Hello. Hello.
You've got a good start to a good drama here. The pacing is quick, dialog for the most part is good, and the character's are strong...maybe a little too strong.
You've given a lot of these characters great quirks and personalities, but they dominate them for the most part so at times they seem more like characters than human beings. Ann is a big example of this..every...
Hello. Hello.
You've got a good start to a good drama here. The pacing is quick, dialog for the most part is good, and the character's are strong...maybe a little too strong.
You've given a lot of these characters great quirks and personalities, but they dominate them for the most part so at times they seem more like characters than human beings. Ann is a big example of this..every scene there is more and more and more ridiculous behavior from her that i started to drift away from what a great character she can be. Matt is a great dark, misery stricken character, but it's not until the last half of the script where I don't feel like I'm reading about a guy who takes problems in his life in the complete wrong way. He lost his son and his father. That sucks. But he also well of from his book which seems to be a pretty good success. Jessica lost her father and is an unwed mother of a child and has to work a crummy job just to pay for the babysitter, but she moves on. I guess that's what character arcs are for, but i feel like maybe he was just...too emo...ya know? Too much sulking and contemplating...which brings me into my next note...
Matt does nothing the entire story except get laid, sulk, and fix up some guys house. He's very passive and has no goal throughout the movie. You introduce a few good ones, but they really don't take flight. Getting over his father's death, helping out Jessica, writing a new book, straightening out his love life. You introduce these all, but he doesn't pursue them. They just resolve on their own and benefit him. Have him actively go after these goals. If it's what his character wants/needs(which it should be) then he should stop it nothing to get there.
I loved the conflict you brought with Julie and Ann. New love vs old love. I honestly would love that to be the major external conflict for the whole film. It feels too back and forth right now...there's awesome sexy nympho Ann in the beginning, with a few mentions of Julie. Then Julie comes along and were like GREAT his old love. Good he needs to resolve that and be with her. Then he loves Ann. Then Julie kind of tells him to be with Ann. Juts not as exciting as both of them wanting him and him really torn on who to be with. Plus they both just sit and wait for him. Matt, again, needs to be challenged.
I really did enjoy this for the most part. To have such a quick paced, low budget-type drama is a hard find. I think with these few major, but relatively simple, tweaks it can really rock! Good luck my friend!
---SPiro
Here's some very random/quirky thoughts while i read.
Slugs- stick with simple sluglines. Also DAY/NIGHT should be the only time you should use.
Matt- Should be CAPPED
Not sure if you're planning on selling this or shooting it yourself. I assume shooting yourself because of the bowling alley establishing shot. If you're not then omit it.
*Same note for the high school shot
DAVID WHITMAN(same age as Matt) to be honest I've forgotten how old Matt is, which really isn't super important to the story, but an introduction like that makes the reader want to scroll all the way back to the beginning and check it out. You've got a good story flowing, don't break the momentum with this.
PG. 32...wow Ann rocks! Raw fucking indeed. haha
Whoa! Just realized a mind Ef on page 37...this is a screenplay...about a book..that was turned into a movie ...in the screenplay!. Nice.
Pg41 seriously...i need a girl like Ann haha
Pg 48...Anns hardcore...a little too much for me now haha
Pg 50-53...there's something about this scene that ijust don't like. I feel Matt is just too whiney. I get why he's upset, and he's done a good job holding strong for the most part, but there just might be too much of a pity party here in this scene. I really don't think Jessica should take it the entire time cause she has a pretty shitty life, some can argue more shitty than Matt's.
Pg. 58...Anns earned some more awesome points.
JULIE KENNEDY, same age as Matt. 37, but that's because a few scenes back went into discussion about it.
I don't know... I wish Matt and Julie didn't bump uglies. I don't know...I wanted him to work for her.
DINER establishing.
Pg 87.."It was horrible." Duhhh. I'd omit that line.
Pg92. "My shift key was broken." Awesome.
Pg. 98 HE CAN'T DO THAT...i'm sure there's a more powerful visual you can use.
PG106...WINNING! DUH!!! Charlie Sheen haha
"You used to be Mel Clark?" "yeah I used to be." Angels in The Outfield haha Sorry My brain goes on tangents.
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Hey not too shabby for a cell phone video. As you stated earlier there are obviously some audio issues, but all in all not bad. Good solid short story that was pretty easy to follow. Even with a cell phone your shot selection was pretty nice, and who says you need a 250 dollar program your imovie did the trick. I'm assuming you had sme kind of lighting because all of it was...
Hey not too shabby for a cell phone video. As you stated earlier there are obviously some audio issues, but all in all not bad. Good solid short story that was pretty easy to follow. Even with a cell phone your shot selection was pretty nice, and who says you need a 250 dollar program your imovie did the trick. I'm assuming you had sme kind of lighting because all of it was very clear and lit. Not much else to say about this except kudos for making a nice short without all the fantsy stuff! Good luck on future projects!!
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Wow! Not only extremely creepy and thought provoking, but hits close to home. I lived next door to three of the most notorious killers in Chicago who massacred a chicken joint and went unsolved for 10 years. So i can totally grasp this concept and relate completely! I enjoyed the story you told with it, not just of the guy under the bridge but you gave the eerie fantasy history...
Wow! Not only extremely creepy and thought provoking, but hits close to home. I lived next door to three of the most notorious killers in Chicago who massacred a chicken joint and went unsolved for 10 years. So i can totally grasp this concept and relate completely! I enjoyed the story you told with it, not just of the guy under the bridge but you gave the eerie fantasy history that goes along with it. It was interesting to see what Stephen King used in his stories. The shot choices and editing was also pretty spot on, nothing seemed out of place or unnecessary. All I can really say is very good job.
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