Other Reviews by tarboy 751

• 
  Grace
  A review of Grace and Consistency
  by tarboy on 07/26/2011
  I enjoy a well-written story. I will write my opinion you can use it or not. The fourth draft… WOW!!! At a glance I can see your script is riddled with mistakes. ONLY characters that are introduced and SOUNDS are Capped TOM (28, MOUSTACHE and GOATEE, scruffy MID-LENGTH HAIR, Do not use Parenthetical for Action lines. (stepping back) I always try to not use words such as... I enjoy a well-written story. I will write my opinion you can use it or not. The fourth draft… WOW!!! At a glance I can see your script is riddled with mistakes.
  
  ONLY characters that are introduced and SOUNDS are Capped
  TOM (28, MOUSTACHE and GOATEE, scruffy MID-LENGTH HAIR,
  
  Do not use Parenthetical for Action lines.
  (stepping back)
  
  I always try to not use words such as BEGIN, START, BACK, ANOTHER, ALSO, STILL, CONTINUES, ING. AGAIN I just think it helps the story flow better.
  
  LOL!!!
  (listens)
  
  This makes me wonder what people think the point of reading four scripts before they post. If you have not seen it in other people’s script DO NOT use it in yours.
  
  In the real world this was pushed to the trash can.
  
  Okay. Let’s get to the story.
  
  1p
  
  You wouldn’t need this info if you told the reader what city of state we are in?
  dry stone walls, fields, and an occasional cottage, flash by. He is in a rush.
  
  Why do you need to mention KITCHEN twice?
  INT. TOM & GRACE’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
  GRACE (28, brunette, bonny, smartly dressed) fixes drinks in her spacious, modern kitchen.
  Or
  INT. TOM & GRACE’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
  Spacious and modern
  GRACE (28) brunette, bonny, smartly dressed, fixes drinks.
  
  How important is Mrs Charlton “dressed in knitwear and a corduroy skirt” to the plot?
  MRS CHARLTON (50, plump, casually dressed in knitwear and a corduroy skirt
  Or
  MRS CHARLTON (50) plump, casually dressed, writes…
  Once you learn to use the space in your script better the easier your story will flow.
  
  I hope you explain why she is there at NIGHT, writing her name.
  INT. A HIGH SCHOOL - CLASSROOM - NIGHT
  
  NOTHING has happened to TOM between his introduction with the moustache and the full beard. What is the point?
  
  I noticed (CONT’D) your script. It is not used for consecutive dialogue except when dialogue is split between pages. You can turn it off in your software under Document.
  
  Way too much EXPOSITION.
  
  P3
  You need a proofreader
  He places some tools in a bucket before double checking the level of some (of) the stone he has just laid in cement.
  Or
  He places tools in a bucket and then checks the level of a few stones.
  
  You do not have to state the obvious. You could easily reduce the page count by 10 or more pages.
  
  What is your target market?
  
  What is Uni? Interesting.
  
  P18
  What visually tells the reader Chris is going to work? Exposition
  One of the front doors on the street opens and out walks Chris dressed for work.
  
  P20
  Are these people stupid?
  So - first things first - who knows what a window is?
  
  No CAPS
  Dr Richardson, a casually dressed man in his 50s,
  
  I really have not a clue as to what this script is about. A lot of boring people talking.
  
  I think a more linear arrangement would make the overall story more clear. Time jumps around a lot, especially in the first act.
  
  P55
  What are the actions of the characters?
  They walk - thinking of things to say.
  
  Need more drama.
  
  P62
  After seeing what the guy did in Norway
  LUCY
  So you think racism should be allowed to be advertised and as a result, prosper.
  
  P72
  What?
  Someone has pressed pause on him.
  
  NO NO NO
  They are silent but they are no longer challenging each other with stares. Like friends who have fallen out rather than strangers testing each other. After a long pause:
  
  In the end it picked up, ut it took too long to get to the end. Thank you and Good luck. read
• 
  Rock
  A review of Gods of Rock
  by tarboy on 07/25/2011
  Without a doubt you are one of the better writers on this site. This review will be presented in the spirit of constructive criticism. I hope that it is helpful. At a glance nothing caught my eyes as a format issue. Thank God I can just enjoy the story. What visually tell us they’re “Two Students” as oppose to two boys watching him play? I’m sure starting at PIMPLE FACE…...
  Without a doubt you are one of the better writers on this site. This review will be presented in the spirit of constructive criticism. I hope that it is helpful.
  
  At a glance nothing caught my eyes as a format issue. Thank God I can just enjoy the story.
  
  What visually tell us they’re “Two Students” as oppose to two boys watching him play? I’m sure starting at PIMPLE FACE… tell us all we need to know.
  Two students, PIMPLE FACE, 19, and SCRAGGLY GOATEE, 19, look at him in amused disgust.
  
  P9
  One can’t go BACK in a script
  He turns back to Dion,
  
  P12
  Add “S”
  A shelf holds hundred(s) of CDs, DVDs,
  
  I wonder how many fat boys like Albert are out there looking for their glory days?
  
  P15
  Who have they contacted for help a lawyer. I am sure it’s not as simple as money? How much money do they need?
  ALBERT
  Me and a friend are trying to get enough money together to save the old Odyssey theater.
  How is he going to save something…? The people are on site to bring the building down. It would take a LARGE group to stop constrution.
  CONSTRUCTION WORKER #2
  This dump’s coming down in a few months.
  I’m like Dion
  Dion focuses on the TV, unimpressed.
  
  What does Albert base this on?
  ALBERT
  It’s like the sunrise. It’ll come back. Reborn
  
  Smiling. I wish you would have kept Zenda a woman of color. Not an easy write.
  Zenda is in the bedroom, playing an accordion.
  
  What do Albert and Zrnda have in common? They don’t seen to relate.
  
  P21 Zenda is still asleep.
  P22 Gil takes a guitar off the wall, begins to tune it
  I always try to not use words such as BEGIN, START, BACK, ANOTHER, ALSO, STILL, CONTINUES, ING. AGAIN I just think it helps the story flow better.
  P25The circle begins to shrink.
  Or
  The circle shrinks. Fast.
  
  ALBERT
  No proof. And that was before.
  GIL
  Before what?
  Before he realized he liked metal music. Kind a selfish.
  
  P43
  I look forward to learning who Balder was.
  Affinities with giants and responsible for Balder’s death.
  
  No fat black women God’s? A singer?
  
  Where are the other people that want to save this place? Two people would have no power.
  GIL
  Demolition starts in four months. There’s already crews there doing prep work.
  
  P58
  Troubles a coming
  ALBERT
  Fine, but I won’t need it. Lead singers never do anything to fuck over their band mates.
  
  The story flows well. The descriptions are clear and easy to follow. So far so good.
  
  P59
  Now what? So true.
  SAL
  Your music doesn’t draw the ladies. The ladies draw the men. And the men draw the booze sales. Want me draw you a fucking flowchart?
  
  P66
  Whom Bloody hand?
  A bloody handprint streaks down a closet door.
  ALBERT
  Why was there blood on our plunger handle?
  No mention of blood
  Coatlicue stands over him, a toilet plunger in her bloody hand.
  
  LOL!!! Help me off the floor.
  When he turns back, his head is covered by a paper bag with two eye holes. He holds Loki by the scruff of the neck - throws him at Dion.
  
  The characters are solid. Most men do not rule their home, Zenda allow quite a bit.
  
  Thank you I really enjoy your story. Good luck. read
• 
  Heaven
  A review of Heaven Settles
  by tarboy on 07/22/2011
  I will write down my opinion and you can use it if you want. There’s nothing like reading a well throughout concept. P1 I guess there no need to tell us what city or state? EXT. RURAL BUS STOP – DAY How old is she? HEAVEN SETTLES. Dressed in worn, dirty clothes, her hair is unkept. A neglected child. Even though she is dirty and unmanaged, her face glows with a certain purity,... I will write down my opinion and you can use it if you want. There’s nothing like reading a well throughout concept.
  
  P1 I guess there no need to tell us what city or state?
  EXT. RURAL BUS STOP – DAY
  
  How old is she?
  HEAVEN SETTLES. Dressed in worn, dirty clothes, her hair is unkept. A neglected child. Even though she is dirty and unmanaged, her face glows with a certain purity, almost angelic.
  
  I noticed (CONT’D) your script. It is not used for consecutive dialogue except when dialogue is split between pages. You can turn it off in your software under Document.
  
  She begins to exit.
  I always try to not use words such as BEGIN, START, BACK, ANOTHER, ALSO, STILL, CONTINUES, ING. AGAIN I just think it helps the story flow better.
  
  (Fumbling through her purse)
  Do not use Parenthetical for Action lines
  
  FEMALE BUSDRIVER
  
  In the real world they say this would go to the trash.
  
  P2
  It’s clear with Xmas we must be in the south, because weather is not a factor. As a writer you should draw a picture of all we see on the screen.
  
  You are not painting a good picture. Male or female the reader should not have to guess.
  DOG OWNER (VOC)
  
  I know you read four script? Did any of them have SECONDS LATER in them?
  Just THINK!
  DOG OWNERS PORCH - SECONDS LATER
  
  P4
  What visually tell the viewer of the movie Tommy is Heaven’s brother? THINK! Nothing. Relationships are learned in dialogue.
  She cracks open the door to her right and sees her little brother TOMMY SETTLES.
  This is Heavens’ mother, EMMA SETTLES.
  
  You clearly do not know how to write a script, but you still might have a good story. An Old Southern Man shooting at a children. Lord knows how old she is.
  
  P5
  Sorry this is not a NOVEL.
  KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
  The kitchen is also dark, with just a small band of light shining through the corner of a window where the curtain is folded over.
  Or
  KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
  Slightly illuminated by the light coming from the sides of the curtain.
  
  It’s not easy, but please only write what the reader can see.
  His shirt and pants are oily and greasy and it is clear he has just gotten off of work.
  It’s clear he lacks home training.
  She is just arriving home from school.
  
  We know Willie or his wife is related to Emma. Dialogue.
  WILLIE
  How about your Aunt Emma?
  
  I will now only comment on things I have not already noticed.
  
  P28
  VISUAL. What are there actions?
  For the first time, Heaven now realizes the magnitude of the situation.
  Sheriff Ballard knows trouble is on the way.
  Perhaps, for the first time in her life, Heaven realizes what family is really all about.
  You script is riddled with mistakes like this.
  
  P40
  I maybe wrong but what is Tommy wearing?
  All three of them continue to frolic about in the snow.
  
  P48
  I believe one should acted out the scenes. After three days in a van, in the cold, without food would YOU be grinning? His legs would be BLUE.
  She takes off her jacket and puts it on her brother, who is still grinning from ear to ear.
  
  First time I am learning their ages
  Social services has confirmed that two children, ages five and eleven...
  
  CAP Characters when introduced
  She has very little makeup on, and her hair is tussled. But non-the-less, she is striking. This is Celeste Moon.
  
  P57 He’s talking to Celeste
  HEAVEN
  Work. She doesn't want to reveal anymore. Willie is intrigued.
  
  P75
  You are saying two kids and a dog survive in a snow storm for five days?
  
  Wow!!! A school Christmas play? Two children are lost in the woods.
  
  Thank you and Good Luck!! read