James Brown “The Big Payback” I am sure this will be a winner. I will write my opinion, nothing personal just what I feel. I hope this is a new concept worth reading.
Fly over downtown in Los Angeles.
Maybe you forgot to write Helicopter
EXT. LOS. ANGELES - HELICOPTER – DAY
Okay. As the writer your job is to describe what happens
The SUV is giving the cops trouble and making it hard to catch up with them.
The SUV weaves around cars. It bumps a car causing it to hit a cop car.
Suspects are on Wilshire and miracle rd.
THIS IS A VISUAL MEDIA
How can the viewer tell the SUV is traveling sixty miles an hour?
The SUV speeding at 60 mph tries to evade the police by changing lane back and forth.
I always try to not use words such as BEGIN, START, BACK, ANOTHER, ALSO, STILL, CONTINUES, ING. AGAIN I just think it helps the story flow better.
The above is page one. In the real world this would be put in the trash, but I will continue.
MIKE SCOTT,24,young African American, Create a character someone will remember
It is clear YOU are clueless to how to write a script. Do all smart and untrst worthy people look alike?
CARTER NELSON,34,Caucasian,smart and untrust worthy,
What are his actions?
gives Mike credit for his driving.
What? Effect Guy?
JEFF LAWRENCE,31,sleazy yet effect guy for the job,
Do you SEE any money. If it’s in a bag how can we SEE it?
the both of them secure the bags full of money.?
Here is where you can tell the reader what type of crime they committed
Hundred-dollar bills liter the floor.
Two stacks of one hundreds in five thousand dollar wrapper are on the floor.
I know you read four scripts. I can see this is riddled with mistakes and high hopes. I need a break.
JOHN (15) Caucasian, thick glasses, wear pajama, gets up and walks into the bathroom.
Why are the letters CAPPED? ONLY names os character when being INTRODUCED and SOUNDS.
OH MY GOD WE DID IT!!
I need a break. Hold on. I think that is more then 100 words. I’m finished.
Two hrs later.
Head over to Arlington Heights there is an old abandon warehouse where there is a getaway car.
Oh God we did it.
The SUV races away.
EXT. ABANDON WAREHOUSE – DAY
See no exposition and we are at the location. You want to be impact.
The robbers quickly load the getAway car with the loot.
It sucks we had to o this but money is money.
I hope you explain why they knocked out Mike?
You need to put spaces between your sentense
Carter turns around and sees Tiffany with her arms crossedd
and is still mad.
How would we know what he is thinking?
Now that he is out he has one thing on his mind;Payback.
What does this look like?
Has over a dozen casios in the country and over 50 night clubs. He is more corrupt than ever having nearly the entire police in his back pocket.
Carter should wipe his knife clean on LIN clothes.
Brian or Brain
BRIAN HUGHES,35,A good looking man,well dressed,clean
Hello there sir how are you today?
Oh I’m just a little under the weather.
Well I promise
You need a proofreader.
?.Have a five yr old?
Don’t worry Mrs. Hughes I’ll have her before her bedtime.
I hope you can afford this song.
Stacy and Ryan are dancing to the song Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus.
Brian and Tiffany walk into the living room and see Tiffany up past her bedtime.
Tiffany stars panicking.
He’s talking to Tiffany
Mike turns his back towards Stacy.
Wow!!! What are the chances the Cops would take Mike to Carter? Real good in your story.
Mike is in the bike healing his wounds.
Carter sees a gun and starts crawling to him.
Thank you and good luck.
Review of: The Big Payback
reviewed by tarboy on 07/19/2011
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