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reviewed by rmahler on 12/19/2008
Credited Review
Blackout review Credited Review
This was an interesting concept that made for a good read. I think the dialog needed work to make it more natural and you might want to think of more ways to make the script more visual and less dialog driven, but the concept itself is solid. I'm not sure that I understand what you were trying to accomplish with the ending on the bus though. Why does Jamal fake his death? What's the significance of that? Also, though I thought it was important to show the impact of the website, I thought it was way too convenient that it directly impacted Jerrod's life. It's just too coincidental. I think it might be more realistic and just as effective for a boy to die because of the website and for them to fell guilt over it. It doesn't have to be a brother for them to feel guilt, and in fact that may make a much stronger statement anyway. That they are responsible for the death of a stranger would and should haunt them. Anyway, overall this was a great and clever idea. The script itself had a few typos here and there and you need to work on your formatting for Montages and Series of Shots, but other than that it was pretty clean. Good job!

Other Reviews by rmahler 98

  • by rmahler on 12/13/2008
    Overall, this was a well-wrought script. The goal is clear cut from the start and the obstacles are well constructed for the protagonist to overcome. One minor mistake is that you attribute Ode to Joy to Bach (it's from Beethoven's 9th). I do have a few things that I think need addressing. First of all, I think you set up a very good conflict for Albert, but in a way he... read
  • A review of OLD ROTHBERGHIAN
    by rmahler on 12/04/2008
    I applaud you for your valiant effort to write in what is obviously not your native language. I could not do the same. However, the fact that I could tell that it was not your native language means that it got in the way of my enjoyment of your story. You should seriously consider get a screenplay editor to read and edit your script to make it more proper English. Your... read
  • by rmahler on 12/04/2008
    You really kept my attention throughout the entire script, and I was pleasantly surprised to see that your formatting was excellent with almost no typos at all. So many fail to achieve those basic goals. What can I say? I wanted to know how it all ended, I was anxious for her in the ring, I was intrigued by the whole thing, and appreciated the significant amount of research... read
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