Good. That's my overall reaction to this script. It's not the quickest read in the world, with the jumping between the movie world and a story within a story world, but it makes up for this complexity in imagination and clever drama. This is a great, interesting, unique effort. So...well done.
As it is, it is something that I would gladly watch. So take my note with that sentiment in mind. What the script reminded me of most was "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World." I'll bet you guys like that movie too.
I hate that these notes will be so sporadic. But the overall thing has cohesion, so I guess I'll have to just randomly note things I think you can improve. Forgive me.
The pairing of Shawn and Samona struck me as convenient. The teacher just says, you both want to write this thing, write it together. Too easy for me.
Shawn is a good character, but not a great one yet, for me. He's pretty reckless at the end, but I really didn't feel that from him early on. I think his ultimate fighting at school would be more interesting if it were sort of a "falling off the wagon" moment. As it is, he's just pissed at Will. Also, his cluelessness regarding race and terrorism was unbelievable, because he's pretty smart and if he really thinks like that then he's a bigot.
Your biggest moments of drama read a bit like melodrama for me. I think you can tone it down. You earn the right to treat your most dramatic moments with some subtlety. At times I felt like I was being talked down to. The instance that comes to mind is when Samona is having it out with Will and says, "My name is not Sam, it's--" and Shawn cuts her off and says "Samona." Too big, too melodrama for me. You don't need it; your story holds water without this.
I loved the moments when the real world showed up in the story, like the grandfather wandering through the story world. Consider doing it more often. Or even subtle things like passive aggressive stuff from Shawn or Samona directed at each other in story world, depending on who is telling the narrative at a certain time.
Lesbian jokes: awesome. I say call it back at the end. Maybe Samona works some lesbians into the story in the diner scene, as an olive branch.
Thanks for a great read and good luck with this script. Well done!
Review of: Kung Fu Red (v2)
reviewed by jakenp on 10/10/2011
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