Bon and Red
Good. That's my overall reaction to this script. It's not the quickest read in the world, with the jumping between the movie world and a story within a story world, but it makes up for this complexity in imagination and clever drama. This is a great, interesting, unique effort. So...well done.
As it is, it is something that I would gladly watch. So take my note with that sentiment in mind. What the script reminded me of most was "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World." I'll bet you guys like that movie too.
I hate that these notes will be so sporadic. But the overall thing has cohesion, so I guess I'll have to just randomly note things I think you can improve. Forgive me.
The pairing of Shawn and Samona struck me as convenient. The teacher just says, you both want to write this thing, write it together. Too easy for me.
Shawn is a good character, but not a great one yet, for me. He's pretty reckless at the end, but I really didn't feel that from him early on. I think his ultimate fighting at school would be more interesting if it were sort of a "falling off the wagon" moment. As it is, he's just pissed at Will. Also, his cluelessness regarding race and terrorism was unbelievable, because he's pretty smart and if he really thinks like that then he's a bigot.
Your biggest moments of drama read a bit like melodrama for me. I think you can tone it down. You earn the right to treat your most dramatic moments with some subtlety. At times I felt like I was being talked down to. The instance that comes to mind is when Samona is having it out with Will and says, "My name is not Sam, it's--" and Shawn cuts her off and says "Samona." Too big, too melodrama for me. You don't need it; your story holds water without this.
I loved the moments when the real world showed up in the story, like the grandfather wandering through the story world. Consider doing it more often. Or even subtle things like passive aggressive stuff from Shawn or Samona directed at each other in story world, depending on who is telling the narrative at a certain time.
Lesbian jokes: awesome. I say call it back at the end. Maybe Samona works some lesbians into the story in the diner scene, as an olive branch.
Thanks for a great read and good luck with this script. Well done!
Other Reviews by jakenp
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Vengeance explores the classic Western premise of "main character is avenging someone's death." In this story, it is Chuck avenging his fathers. His sidekick Joe is around (with a twist at the end) and he is close with a family that keeps horses. He falls for the daughter in that family.
Your story structure is actually pretty good. The twist at the end is competent. But...
Vengeance explores the classic Western premise of "main character is avenging someone's death." In this story, it is Chuck avenging his fathers. His sidekick Joe is around (with a twist at the end) and he is close with a family that keeps horses. He falls for the daughter in that family.
Your story structure is actually pretty good. The twist at the end is competent. But the devil is in the details of this script.
Somehow you manage to tell a story (with an enormous amount of inherent tension) without including any conflict in any scene. Every back-and-forth plays out very convenient and polite. Way too much "hi, how are you? Good how are you?" Characters uses each other's names way too much in dialog--a totally unrealistic detail.
These characters are quite flat. It was hard for me to glean any backstory other than the stuff with the murdered dad who was in the Civil War.
The Joe twist actually might have worked, but you didn't earn it. He just out of the blue is like "oh yeah, I'm your enemy too." You need to plant seeds for that kind of stuff all through the story.
If you plan on reworking this, make sure you give your scenes and characters some texture. Give everything enough complexity and flaw and conflict that your readers can sink their teeth into. Make your script anything but boring, and you can see through what is really a pretty good premise.
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Flood of Tears is the story of a British man who is caught in the Thailand during the tragic tsunami which occurred several years back. He goes there on a vacation that his family got for him and has a romance with a woman there who is reminiscent of (or actually) a childhood memory. The tragedy prompts him to finally grieve his deceased daughter, and reconnect with his ex-wife...
Flood of Tears is the story of a British man who is caught in the Thailand during the tragic tsunami which occurred several years back. He goes there on a vacation that his family got for him and has a romance with a woman there who is reminiscent of (or actually) a childhood memory. The tragedy prompts him to finally grieve his deceased daughter, and reconnect with his ex-wife.
Your format was smooth and the read never got terribly bogged down. Characters were well rounded, distinct and had good dialog. Harry is quite likable, so that's good. I was certainly intrigued with the Susie-Sue thing, but was a bit confused as to whether or not Sumalee was actually the girl from the tin, all grown up.
I think there are two major issues with the script. The first is your structure. The tsunami doesn't hit until after page 50. Such a big thing that affects the main character so greatly should come a lot earlier, I think. If you are building a script using traditional screenplay structure (and I think a story like this certainly benefits from a traditional structure) the tsunami should come before page 20. Then Harry can spend his time helping others, looking for Sumalee, trying to contact his family, and grieving/understanding this horrible tragedy. In this story, the tsunami is not simply another thing that affects Harry...it IS the story. I think it has to come way earlier and dictate everything that Harry decides to do.
Sumalee was the storyline that resonated with me, but there is so little attention paid to her after Harry and her get separated. I feel like this is a setup for a journey story of Harry and Sumalee trying to find each other in the midst of the horrible aftermath of the tsunami. I connected with their relationship, but then it goes away. If you want them to end up apart, that's fine, but I at least want to see a scene where they have to face each other.
Finally, I want to note that the tsunami was the greatest natural tragedy in modern history in terms of loss of human life. If you want to tackle this subject, first off let it be the whole story, and secondly, I think there's no room at all for comic relief. A lot of the story struck me as in bad taste. Harry's quip at the driver regarding the Bond film was very out of place. Don't show tampons going by right before dead bodies. And even the guy who was hawking phones off of the dead seemed bad. I know you were showing him in a bad light, but it's so despicable it takes me out of the story.
Even the American who took the suit off of Harry's back didn't work. Yes, he is horrible and I know I'm supposed to hate him, but after he behaves like that, shouldn't Harry be ultra-inspired to be extra good and help people. Instead, he half-asses the Sumalee search, goes home and stays to be a grandpa.
I don't mean to come down hard, but I really wanted to express my visceral reaction to a lot of the stuff. You're clearly a good screenwriter, so I wanted to be as honest as possible.
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Senior Discounts is a comedy that follows Saul, a successful scumbag NY lawyer. He wants to get away from a cheating fiancee and sees a news story about a sinkhole and decides to buy a house in Florida and hope for the investment to appreciate. When he arrives at his new home, he realizes it is located in a retirement community.
Your concept sets up a lot of comedic potential...
Senior Discounts is a comedy that follows Saul, a successful scumbag NY lawyer. He wants to get away from a cheating fiancee and sees a news story about a sinkhole and decides to buy a house in Florida and hope for the investment to appreciate. When he arrives at his new home, he realizes it is located in a retirement community.
Your concept sets up a lot of comedic potential. Old people and a selfish jackass lawyer. Some scenes approached the tone and type of humor that this script needs, the old men phallus gardening scene and the old smoker's hair catching on fire. But there was little continuity from scene to scene. I never felt a lot of conflict or tension and this led to me to not care about characters or even really the action in the story.
There was little opposition and little consequence for Saul. So what if the old folks find out that he was just trying to make a buck? I don't think he would care, and frankly, they never really get that close to finding out.
I like your instinct to make Saul grow throughout the story, but it feels largely tacked on. I need to see him be worse and I need to learn, along with him, how and why he has to change. As it is, he seems to simply start talking about legacy and then lucks into the alligator heroics. I wasn't convinced.
The relationship with Maria read as half-baked. They hit it off too quickly and they set up their first date too easily. I want to see Saul work in an interesting and unique way.
I think that this script seems like it is farther from done that it really is. But I think that what you need is a very strong A story...what you have now is a couple of B-stories and some nice side characters. Give the story some real consequences so that you stakes go way up. What does Saul really want and what is threatening it? Add a strong antagonist who is funny, interesting and really wants to stick it to Saul. If you can do these things, I think that the script will read a lot smoother and funnier.
Screenplay style-wise, too long of scene description. It was a struggle for me not to skim. Keep them short, sweet and only what's necessary.
Thanks for submitting. Best of luck.
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