Brilliantly Written.
A screenplay that has been expertly written. Next to no running format notes. So all that's left is focus on Story and Character.
BTW: Okay 1 format error. p28. Ewog rushes past Jeb and the blond,
She's a Redhead or were there two?
I can only assume that you have received very positive feedback in the Character department. Both Bells and Ceci have been beautifully crafted. Won't say much more here other than well done.
Supporting characters have not been left as cliches either. Bells granddaughters remind me of two I know. Their introduction into the story via the phone call really hit home for me. From that point I knew you had full control over your characters. It also foreshadows character growth to be revealed in the final act.
Of course, reviews are not simply telling you how wonderful your script is. There's always room for constructive feedback.
Not sure Jeb jumps off the page as well as the other characters. I was looking for something unique to cling to early on in the story. Something that would give me a different image other than Matthew McConaughey. It comes out later after the midpoint. Maybe I missed it earlier on. But was there some sort of back story to foreshadow his criminal past? All I picked up was that he was unreliable.
Believe me, I don't want to come off overly critical. You've done such a great job on Bells and Ceci, Jeb's character just seems to come off not as polished up until the midpoint.
Story
Concept: excellent. When I got the assignment I started reading immediately. Loved the log line and wanted to know more. There is something instantly intriguing about why two 70 year olds would want to take on this adventure.
Structure: Again, the script has been expertly written. But my only concern in this area is the actual call to adventure.
Bells is the protagonist yet she gives herself her own challenge.
This is the part in the review where I often warn the writer, "Tell me to go jump"! This is just an amateur's feedback.
Anyway, I kept thinking as I was reading, what if the call to adventure came from someone else. Her daughter? Her granddaughters? Ceci? Although not as much Ceci because her reluctance to take on the adventure does add to a lot of the humour.
You've put the challenge to Jeb via his Dad. Do this or else! That works.
Bells is at a stage in her life where she is down. Bored. Frustrated. The fact that she is the one who recognises it and does something about it kind of took the challenge out of it. Ceci has a moment with her after playing cards but other than that, Bells gets herself out.
As I write about this, it could even be Sadie who puts it as a challenge to Bells or else she loses her spot in the complex?
I'm rambling and feel free to ignore all of the above. But I had to mention it all the same.
Even if the call to adventure did come from someone else you wouldn't have to change much with Act Two. It really really works. Plenty of great moments. Again, Bells and Ceci are a great duo and you've given both some magic moments. There is huge potential to exploit the generation gap between Bells and Jeb. You foreshadow this brilliantly in ACT 1 with the skater kids and the grand daughters. And other than a shouting match or two, you don't make the most of this setup. You've done all the hard work. You deserve more payoff.
Midpoint: Changes the tone of the story. Kicks it into the next phase. Jeb's character all of sudden becomes very interesting. However, as I noted above. This did seem just a little out of the blue.
Not sure how others will respond to the quick story summation by Jeb on p75. Jeb wraps up the story.
I guess this is the main thrust of my feedback. What is Jeb's backstory? Can more be revealed in Act 1?
All is lost, literally, when Ceci goes overboard. We see Jeb and Bells working together. Look, it's predictable but at the same time brilliantly done. It really delivered that crucial character arc for Bells and to a degree Jeb. It added a tonne of heart to a story that already had plenty of feeling.
Final Act: great ending. It all ties in very very nicely to cap off one very entertaining story. The Granddaughters wanting to actually spend time with their "memaw" really re-enforces the character development.
Few other running notes:
p71: let's rape him. It was funny the first time (a very hard comedic trick to get a genuine laugh out of that word). Over done the second.
The detail about sailing was absolutely awesome. Obviously it's your background. Always a pleasure reading a book, screenplay or watching a movie that takes you to another world. Definitely one of the strengths of your story.
Overall, it's been a little while since I've focused purely on Story and Character. I hope that focus hasn't come off too negative. It was purely feedback based on my own personal opinion. Feel free to ignore at will.
Otherwise, excellent script that demonstrates above and beyond that when it comes to writing a screenplay, you know how to play ball.
Other Reviews by mattyrm
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First up, there are some random typos and grammar mistakes but nowhere near enough to distract my reading and appreciation of your script. Of course, you will want to eliminate all of those eventually.
I really loved the writing and imagery of your opening pages. I'm not entirely sure where this falls in the old "over-direction" category. But for me, it flowed really well...
First up, there are some random typos and grammar mistakes but nowhere near enough to distract my reading and appreciation of your script. Of course, you will want to eliminate all of those eventually.
I really loved the writing and imagery of your opening pages. I'm not entirely sure where this falls in the old "over-direction" category. But for me, it flowed really well. I did not get lost, as is easy to do when writing such scenes. It was clear from these pages that you were in control of your story. While that is a good thing, it does mean that the tiniest of technical oversights are amplified 10 fold.
For eg; when the Palace Guards are summoned there is no inference to their gender. I appreciate you have spent time painting an alternate world dominated by women, but this, I felt, was important. Are they eunuchs? Men subdued by the Queen and Oracle? Strapping women?
You do imply their gender with the ensuing action on the next page. Granted. But stories that take the reader completely out of their comfort zone and into a parallel universe need to be conscious that nothing can be taken for granted. When the writer does not explicitly tell the reader a particular detail or characteristic, the reader will always default to known stereotypes.
It's one thing to smash down the walls of cliche and character stereotypes. But it's an entirely different one to do so at the expense of traditional character archetypes. You provide us with a villain. The Queen. A truly nasty piece of work. There are the mentors in various capacities. Tobias and Trilya. Magician/Wizard - Oracle. But the Guardians of the Threshold, namely the henchmen of the villain, are an all female army of Slave Drivers with whips and Guards. I can only visualise the Guards dressed in uniform and leather. That's the stuff of teenage boys fantasy right there.
I don't mean to be facetious with your script. Rather, I am trying to highlight an area that, with a little attention, could dramatically change the tone and feel of your story.
Why not have parts of the army, slave drivers and guards as men?
In many classic stories, it is not uncommon to find members of the oppressed tribes being forced to do the bidding of their more powerful overlords. In fact, this has happened in history. Africans were recruited to help capture other Africans as slaves for the new colonies. Indigenous peoples from various continents (Canada, Australia, US) were recruited to assist govt authorities hunt down other indigenous people. Tarantino used the character of Stephen, in Django, in this capacity.
I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I just couldn't visualise a woman physically over-powering a man. Not without further exposition or backstory. Were the men physically smaller? As a result, the attempt to put a twist on the Threshold Guardian didn't resonate and was a distraction. But then I thought, how incredible the story would be if the armies and guards had men. This would provide so many more layers to your world. Why were the men fighting on behalf of women? Did the Queen or Oracle have some power of them? Could they be recruited by Primo in the final climatic revolt?
The other major plot point to address is the reveal of Primo's birth origins. He is brought to the Palace. Kande makes contact with him. p36 "Something about him grabs her attention." This is great. Dramatic irony. We know something that Kande doesn't. This could/should be the start of a whole new sub-plot about how Kande discovers who Primo really is. This typically would run parallel with the other key components of the story. Yet, it is revealed to Kande only a few pages later on p40. And then later to Primo on p55. My question or feedback to you is, Could you have explored this further?
We the audience WANT Kande to make the connection. We want Primo to know his birth right. But just like in a Romantic Comedy when we want to the two leads to be together, we don't expect them to get together without some sort of courtship or journey. Harry and Sally went through quite a bit before they realised they were meant to be together.
Another aspect of character archetypes you need to be aware of concerns the hero. In more than one scene, Akira comes to the rescue of Primo. It's okay for our hero to be saved by an ally at some stage. And usually this is in response to a noble deed they have performed. In this case, helping Akira escape. But saving the hero on more than one occasion does raise the question of who the real hero of the story is meant to be? Heroes are meant to overcome inner and outer flaws to achieve their goals. If there is someone always nearby to save or catch them, then that character arc feels less complete.
Finally, using story parallels with bible parables is fine. Just about every superhero movie does it. However, some do it better than others. Wrapping up the baby Superman in a mini-spaceship and casting him into space is a complete rip from the story of Moses being cast adrift in a basket. But viewers don't make the connection with a basket and spaceship. So all good. However, this script does use a baby in a basket. This is one of the strongest images from the story of Moses. (Along with the parting of the seas, plague of frog and locusts, killing of the first born). I don't think it will go unnoticed. You may want to explore some creative alternatives to this.
In summary, you have written a highly entertaining epic. I hope my feedback and it's concentration of character archetype provides with useful information to ponder in your rewrite. I have not tried to capture every aspect of screenwriting in this review. Sometimes, I feel that concentrating on a few key points is more productive. And if you feel as though that concentration of archetypes is not relevant or it is out of touch with the goals or theme of your story, then please feel free to ignore. Best of luck.
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I don't think I've ever read a script with so many diverse characters. A credit that you are able to come up with such a variety. Not just in characteristics but names as well.This story definitely showcases a creative imagination.
Centaurs in the opening scene. Child centaurs, hot looking centaurs that carry on a conversation and simply trot on their way.
Half man - half...
I don't think I've ever read a script with so many diverse characters. A credit that you are able to come up with such a variety. Not just in characteristics but names as well.This story definitely showcases a creative imagination.
Centaurs in the opening scene. Child centaurs, hot looking centaurs that carry on a conversation and simply trot on their way.
Half man - half goats? (Snitch)
On top of this are the scenes when magic is displayed. Bees turning into butterflies into hornets followed by a rampaging rhino!
This is a truly colourful, magical world you are taking the reader through.
Appreciate what it is you are striving for. But the more you take the reader/audience out of the normal world, the closer you need to guide them so they don't get lost. More of this later.
I would not know the first thing about how to write or properly critique a screenplay like this.
I guess my first stop would be to read produced ones like, What Dreams May Come or even Oz the Great and Powerful.
The first thing that grabs me about Sorcerer's Ball is the first Act. It takes place entirely in one location. That's not to say that it is bogged down in one scene. It's not a negative remark.
However, it did get me thinking about other films where the entire first Act is in one location. The obvious for mine, The Godfather.
It's for that reason alone I try to spice up the locations in an opening act. It makes it hard when you are judged against the classics. But I understand that this story is a confined location.
The title is very very clever. Working it in with one of the key plot points. Well done.
The following is not to be taken as negative feedback. Rather, it's my attempt to call out what I think are less conventional, almost rule breaking on your script.
It's just my attempt to get my head around what it is you're trying to accomplish.
1. Protagonist is not made entirely clear in first Act and even then, exposition/back story on our hero does not start until Act 2,
2. There is a heist but the goal of the hero is not made clear until much later in the story, (return the eye)
3. At first this read like a potentially low-budget, indie script (like most of ours on TS), but then you introduce some special effects that would blow that budget, (who is the audience)
More on the story. Any genre that deals with high concept issues, for eg; time travel, super human powers, aliens etc, will always be subject to intense scrutiny with the logic in their story.
Think of Terminator and Aliens. Every possible angle is revealed to stop the audience saying during the film, "Why don't they just do..."
Now you very cleverly cater for this by explaining that everyone's powers are rendered void on the grounds of Olympia House. But when Oliver is being chased I thought, why doesn't he just think
himself into another location once he got clear. Maybe I missed something.
And Hubert's reference to a dream, I could never quite work out.
The point I'm making is that you did a great job of explaining the story logic but you need to make sure you have all aspects covered.
If I were to recommend a focus, I would make it clearer that Oliver is the hero. Get some of that backstory in the first Act. And see if you can get the goal of returning the eye into the story sooner.
Things really picked up from that moment and it would make for an awesome script if that excitement kicked off from p30-p35 instead of p71. I want Oliver's ball!
BTW: you have one helluva an imagination. Whether it's natural or substance enhanced, don't let the creativity fly away.
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A very professionally written screenplay by a writer who quite clearly knows the art and craft of screenwriting.
Super solid story. Excellent writing.
So why is the screenplay here on TS? What is the purpose of garnering feedback from us amateurs? I can make some assumptions.
1. You don't want to hear about David Trottier's bible,
2. You may want to be alerted to some syntax...
A very professionally written screenplay by a writer who quite clearly knows the art and craft of screenwriting.
Super solid story. Excellent writing.
So why is the screenplay here on TS? What is the purpose of garnering feedback from us amateurs? I can make some assumptions.
1. You don't want to hear about David Trottier's bible,
2. You may want to be alerted to some syntax that may have slipped through the cracks, (but not a high priority),
3. You do want to hear different opinions about your characters and story that you may not have previously considered that when incorporated with your notes, may, just may improve your final version.
I'm going with curtain number 3. (if there was another curtain then I apologise for the content of the remainder of this review).
Let's start with characters. And let's talk about Chad.
This may be a horror or drama but it is also definitely a character relationship piece.
Elaine and Melvin
Elaine and Carolyn
Carolyn and Melvin
Elaine and Phil
And there's Elaine and Chad. This relationship should be one of the strongest but it didn't come off as strong as the others. Unlike the other mentioned characters, Chad does not appear to have too much backstory or motivation in this story other than he wants to propose to Elaine. What else drives Chad in his life? What are his goals? And why are these goals and motivations in complete contrast with Elaine's current story? This is conflict that can be explored and in doing so can add so much richness to both Elaine and Chad. p29 there is a very confronting scene where Chad gets aggressive in his demands for sex. Great scene in that you have not just dumped a sex scene on the reader. The way the scene is played out says so much about the two characters involved and their current emotions and feelings. Frustration from Chad, Indifference from Elaine. All played out in half a page in the bedroom.
Medium explored this brilliantly. A mother of 3 who works on heinous crimes for the police but due to her psychic abilities, cannot help but bring her work home. The difficulties of balancing family and work was heightened in this series as the husband and wife were in constant conflict over family, work, life etc. But what really made the conflict believable was giving the husband backstory. Giving him that extra dimension. It wasn't just a guy angry at his wife for not giving him sex. He had a career. He had dreams. But he also loved his kids, wanted the best for them and cherished his family above all else. Alison also wanted the same for her family. But these goals were always challenged with each new case. Each new case introduced "something" that would turn their world upside down.
Chad has two scenes watching poker on TV. Yet poker is never re-visited in the story. Not even in a cheesy climax scene (Chad sits with a demon in a cut-throat game of Texas hold-em. Phil deals. Elaine watches - okay, getting sidetracked. But you know what I mean. If you're going to introduce something about a character in an early scene, typically it's for a reason or payoff later on). The point I'm trying to make in all of this is, during these early scenes, give Chad something meaningful that explores the conflict between himself and Elaine. Maybe he works for a Pharmaceutical company or he's a teacher at a Catholic school.
The other characters, at a minimum, are well researched, unique and have a clear voice. This supports the earlier comment that your story and writing are super solid. I guess it's because these characters are well developed that Chad, for mine, comes off less so.
There were times when I thought some characters said more than required. Is this a result of earlier feedback saying they didn't understand what was going on? Horror that deals with story twists are always going to confuse some. I say, leave them confused. The Sixth Sense had a great twist at the end but it was still in-your-face and obvious. Yet so many walked away from that film saying, "You mean he was dead the WHOLE time??!!!" You have to leave those audience members to Fast and Furious.
So when I see dialogue on p46, I have to ask, "Why is this character saying so much?"
Elaine has just discovered that Carolyn is now using prescription drugs. It's a plot point. Something has happened to shake up the story. Something that will test the relationship between Elaine and Carolyn. But Carolyn's dialogue at the end of p46 is too predictable. We know, as a caring mother, she is at wits end. She is desperate. At breaking point. Those seven lines of dialogue could be replaced with just one;
CAROLYN
(furious)
Right now, we need more than just words!
You could use action to show that Carolyn is not coping. Toast burning. Shirt on back to front. Fruit growing fur in the fridge. Laundry piled high.
Keep challenging your character options especially in these types of scenes where there's plot points. Don't settle for the first, second or even third option. What else could happen once prescription drugs are discovered?
You take on some very heavy, complex story ideas. God, meaning of life and death, the masons, demonic rituals. There's lots happening. Excellent. Keeps the reader guessing. Crucial in this type of genre. But there is one thing we can learn from Dan Brown (I did say "One Thing!") and that is, always provide a healthy counter argument in scenes where Religious teachings are questioned. You do this on p24 when Melvin talks about the possible evil of God. Elaine briefly talks about "free will". But at other times, it comes across one-sided. There are many, many volumes of teachings about why a God "allows" evil things to happen. People have spent their lifetimes investigating this question. Bring these into the story. Because, when you do, you bring in conflict. When you bring in the conflict, you get to explore how your characters respond to the conflict. And that is entertainment!
Now onto my one and only syntax suggestion. Why use Melvin and Melinda?
There are not many characters to this story. So having two with not just the same starting letter but the exact same shortened version of the name (Mel and Mel) can be confusing.
Unless there is a crucial, underlying reason why these names are used (and I didn't pick up on it), then why run the risk of confusing any reader on this matter alone.
So there's my curtain 3 reveal.
I trust you are an experienced enough writer to understand the purpose of this review. Your writing and story are great. Established. But what you really need right now are notes, suggestions, something to give any of your screenplays an X-Factor that will give you that foot in the door. Take your screenwriting to the next level. Are my suggestions that X-Factor??? Probably not. Who knows? What you do with the feedback is your choice and yours alone.
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