Packed with both action and conflict, this offers revenge, survival and love all on the same plate. I think you have lots of interesting material here but the dialogue is way off for the period. I have some notes.
Pg 1 While you have good descriptions for your characters, they are too descriptive. Best to depict your characters demeanor through his actions and his dialogue and limit character descriptions to features and build. Certain things donít belong in you descriptions as we will not be able to see this on screen like telling us Garth is the last of his tribe, best to tell us in dialogue.
Pg 2 These are cave dwellers. I donít think the word Bastard would have been used in that era.
Pg 3. You introduce Rock and being mild mannered which is a person who is easy-going, this behavior is contrary to his description. In my opinion it seems contradictory to have someone as mild-mannered and authoritative.
I donít follow here, why is Rock being so demanding, theyíve captured two mastodons and he wants them to go on another hunt. These things weigh in the region of 8 tons.
Pg 6 & 11 Just a observation Garth mentions Enchandra is good with a bow and she does not use it when they hunt the mastodons and the caribou and this is the reason why they keep her in the hunting pack, she should show her prowess with the bow, prove to all them she is worthy. When Whartok is ridden away by the caribou she should use her bow to stop the animal.
Pg 12 Dialogue between Rock and Whartok not relevant to the time, callous would not have been used it that time.
Pg 24 Why did the bear urinate in her face? Do they mark territory like that? Why did the bears not attack her?
Haygorth is dead. He was able to escape from the cave and ran past Peelar. Where did he run too.? I think you need to show the bears killing Haygorth as this scene is not clear because as it is written now it seems he managed to escape.
Pg 86. When did Rock pull out the knife? Thernar mentions he has the knife in his hands. There is no mention of Rock picking the knife up.
Pg 90. Kearra: See there, Rock! I told you it would work! This seems an inappropriate time to show someone your boomerang works. Rock is fleeing for his life, I doubt he has time to notice or look back.
Onto characters, Rock as I have mentioned before for the first part came across as contrary to your descriptions. You did not come across as mild mannered at all but authoritative as you mentioned and sensible considering how he considered Peelar and the cave dwellers. Refrain from using these descriptions for your characters and stick to just build and maybe other features. Let us discover the characters for ourselves. Thernar was built towards being the villain as his lust for power and disregard for the people festered. Enchandra the jilted lover, whoís love for Rock is unreciprocated grows bitter as a result. I would have liked to see this triangle reveal earlier as itís only made clear later that Enchandra was in love with him. All your characters have a distinct voice and stand clear as to who they are but for most part there seems to be so many characters and at times can be hard to follow as to what is happening to who. You lay emphasis on characters who do not play big roles which is not exactly bad but should be avoided so al to let the leads stand out more.
Formatting needs some work. You have quite a few line of action that will not translate to action. This rule everyone is going to mention to you. Only what is pertinent to your story should be placed in your screenplay. Like when the cave dwellers are called to the alcove, you mention it in the action line and dialogue. If there is something that you cannot display in action than do it in dialogue as you have done that so need for redundant descriptions. You have many of these lines best to avoid them.
Dialogue is the biggest issue here. The characters are very articulate for their time but that is a credit to you but it does not lend authenticity to your screenplay. For lack of a batter word it needs to be simplified for the period. Most of it will need to be re-written.
The plot regarding Thernar framing Rock for Heliosí murder had been done too many times before. I would rather try and avoid that, have Helios die of natural causes and have the two brother fight for power and control over the people. You can have the tribunal in another form.
You synopsis gives the whole story away. Cut it down. We only need to read that and not your screenplay to find out what happens. Nothing is left for surprise of to the imagination. Just right the crux of your story not everything. It spoils everything for us.
The groundwork has been laid and this and cleaning out the clever dialogue and certain modern explanations used will help you. Avoid any profanity. You have many aspects that keep you interested and reading along. Youíll need to do some research on the time and find out what is appropriate for things in that time. Thanks for the read. Best of luck.
Review of: Brothers of Stone
reviewed by djslik on 05/15/2011
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