First off, let me applaud you on your overall formatting and classic three-act structure. I can't tell you how many screenplays I've read that fail to deliver on those very basics.
I thought this screenplay got off to a very good start. I was pleasantly surprised with Clara’s wit and intelligence and the overall mystery. Unfortunately, I felt that the story kind of fell flat after the excellent opening. Instead of maintaining your originality, I feel like you resorted to the typical clichés of the mystery genre. It wasn’t until the end of Act 3 when we see that Eric is a healer surrounded by fireflies that your originality came back. And even that was slightly anti-climactic since it seemed that the hooded figures had already healed Aunt Maureen. The biggest problem that I had with the script however is that you were too nice to your audience. What I mean by that is that in many stories (but especially mysteries) you need to torture your audience with conflict and suspense. At almost every opportunity where you created tension, you quickly resolved it. Every time there was a conflict or misunderstanding between two characters, they spoke to each other, forgave each other and moved on. What you need to do is not have the characters get along so well. Create tension, milk it and figure out ways to build upon it. Be cruel to your audience and don’t let your characters off the hook so easily.
Specific page-by-page comments:
Pg 4 – did you mean “it a little nibble” ?
Pg. 8 “ I knew I should have left earlier” – great line
Pg. 18 – I think you meant “WHAT made you ask, anyway?”
Pg. 31 – I think you should introduce the doctor by his last name in all caps since that’s how he’s referred to in dialog.
Pg. 37 – “Why must I have?” sounds very formal. Wouldn’t she just say something like “Why do you say that?”
Pg. 46 – This was awkwardly worded – “Street
traffic passes through a large picture window.” – How about “can be seen through” ?
Pg. 57 - I didn’t think it seemed realistic that she would assume that her aunt was fine after what she experienced
Pg. 59 - It also seemed unrealistic that there’s no recording device on the security cameras in a hospital
Pg. 83 - Did you mean lots of people “saw” Eric burning?
Pg. 87 - the answering machine message was very creepy - good job
Review of: Breach Point Castle
reviewed by rmahler on 12/03/2008
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