- Having worked both academically and professional as an archaeologist, I can tell you I was biting into my tongue on page 1. I would suggest having a paleontologist on the team in the opening segment.
- I am not sure which would be the most amazing discovery, that there were humans one million years ago or that there were still dinosaurs one million years ago. :)
- This is most obviously meant to be a animated piece. I think Pixar could bring this script to life in a very entertaining way.
- You might want to consider letting the first dinosaur (killed by the humans Umar and Raja) to merely be wounded and get away. This would help keep things in tune.
- "an eccentric cave man" Is there another kind? (kidding).
- "coalition" Big word for a caveman.
- On your master draft I would suggest you remove the bold face from scene tags and (CONT'D) from dialogue except where is spans two pages.
- This script is well written. Some of the action lines are a little unconventional (as they entail some direction/motivation and not merely what can be shown) but nothing I thought blatantly incorrect or demanding correction.
- There is a good deal of stage direction in the parenthetical, but being what must be an animated piece, I found this acceptable as well.
- A good deal of humor that was actually funny. Well done.
- A edit for formatting mistakes is needed. You have paragraph breaks in dialogue and double spaces between action lines here and there.
- Also, I would not advise starting a new scene with dialogue. Begin a new scene with an action line - even a very simple one.
- Raja should respond to the death of Akhtar a little in the scene (and following scene) where he dies. Just a tad of something initially is all that is needed, since she goes into this later on in the script.
- Great bonding scene with Umar and Ma'Mun (the tears scene).
- I would ditch Sofi puffing on a cigarette.
- Of all the scripts I have read here of TS, I think this one has the most potential for getting financing based on the merits of the script alone, that is if you could get the right people (e.g. Pixar) to read it.
- Good job and good luck.
Review of: BATTLESAURS
reviewed by Cenydd Ros on 07/06/2011
Other Reviews by Cenydd Ros 141
A review of The Currentby Cenydd Ros on 07/17/2011Some of this is nicely wriiten, making use of some flavorful prose. Mostly, I liked the language/writing craft of the action lines. e.g. encapsulating Tendrils of smoke waft toes webbed with soap bubbles a squalid living room "Getting your hole" - Didn't get this line. To be frank, I feel that flashbacks generally suck. I just don't think it is a good approach to story telling... read
A review of EARTHSHAKERSby Cenydd Ros on 06/23/2011This being the third script of yours I have read, I must note that you have one hell of an imagination - and you create some very interesting (i.e. entertaining) visuals and elements in your work. There is much in the way of "eyepopping" candy in your stories that would make them something to see on the big screen. Overall, you have a good sense of creating images for the screen... read
A review of Oscillatorby Cenydd Ros on 06/23/2011You are going to get a lot of different opinions, and that is all I can offer you, my opinion - so take it for what it is. Might want to find a way to make the opening scenes more understandable - I kind of got lost on these. Honestly, I would consider developing an entire new first five pages. Throughout, I found many of the action lines somewhat vague and thought better... read