reviewed by Cenydd Ros on 07/06/2011
Credited Review
Cenydd Ros
Call John Lasseter Credited Review
- Having worked both academically and professional as an archaeologist, I can tell you I was biting into my tongue on page 1. I would suggest having a paleontologist on the team in the opening segment.
- I am not sure which would be the most amazing discovery, that there were humans one million years ago or that there were still dinosaurs one million years ago. :)
- This is most obviously meant to be a animated piece. I think Pixar could bring this script to life in a very entertaining way.
- You might want to consider letting the first dinosaur (killed by the humans Umar and Raja) to merely be wounded and get away. This would help keep things in tune.
- "an eccentric cave man" Is there another kind? (kidding).
- "coalition" Big word for a caveman.
- On your master draft I would suggest you remove the bold face from scene tags and (CONT'D) from dialogue except where is spans two pages.
- This script is well written. Some of the action lines are a little unconventional (as they entail some direction/motivation and not merely what can be shown) but nothing I thought blatantly incorrect or demanding correction.
- There is a good deal of stage direction in the parenthetical, but being what must be an animated piece, I found this acceptable as well.
- A good deal of humor that was actually funny. Well done.
- A edit for formatting mistakes is needed. You have paragraph breaks in dialogue and double spaces between action lines here and there.
- Also, I would not advise starting a new scene with dialogue. Begin a new scene with an action line - even a very simple one.
- Raja should respond to the death of Akhtar a little in the scene (and following scene) where he dies. Just a tad of something initially is all that is needed, since she goes into this later on in the script.
- Great bonding scene with Umar and Ma'Mun (the tears scene).
- I would ditch Sofi puffing on a cigarette.
- Of all the scripts I have read here of TS, I think this one has the most potential for getting financing based on the merits of the script alone, that is if you could get the right people (e.g. Pixar) to read it.
- Good job and good luck.

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