Other Reviews by f-ceska 236

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  The man on the hillside
  A review of Samurai Dawn
  by f-ceska on 04/30/2013
  I would consider this not so much a short story in its own right, as an excerpt or isolated passage that demonstrates your skill in writing. If it were part of a novel it would be the last pages of a chapter, but as a short story it lacks a beginning and a middle, or perhaps there’s not quite enough there to make us invest any emotion in the character. He has no ‘story’ or... I would consider this not so much a short story in its own right, as an excerpt or isolated passage that demonstrates your skill in writing. If it were part of a novel it would be the last pages of a chapter, but as a short story it lacks a beginning and a middle, or perhaps there’s not quite enough there to make us invest any emotion in the character. He has no ‘story’ or ‘backstory’.
  
  As a piece of writing, however, it is clear that you have a talent; the prose has rhythm and pace and fluency. There’s a slight risk of using set phrases almost to the point of cliché which you need to watch out for, and maybe a tendency towards flowery description which is not appreciated by agents so much these days, but apart from that, I see that you have a lot of potential. read
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  Bobby on the bobbing beat
  A review of Bobby
  by f-ceska on 04/26/2013
  You have a very clever idea here, and a gripping story. You also tell it very well and have a proficient writing style. Your dialogue and characters are believable – very Cockney! In fact, this might be one of my favourites of yours. There’s only one problem, and that’s the grammatical and punctuation errors. That’s not something that a little proof-reading by someone else... You have a very clever idea here, and a gripping story. You also tell it very well and have a proficient writing style. Your dialogue and characters are believable – very Cockney! In fact, this might be one of my favourites of yours. There’s only one problem, and that’s the grammatical and punctuation errors. That’s not something that a little proof-reading by someone else can’t fix though, so not a big deal. I enjoyed this tale a lot. I even got goosebumps when the boys found out about Billy ‘Bobby’ Brown.
  
  Of course I started to note the corrections, but I stopped at page 5 so I could just enjoy the story. The main thing you have to look out for is that northern passive / past continuous construction of was + past participle, and using question marks when you’re not really asking a question.
  
  p.1 The two youths were sat = ‘were sitting’ / or just ‘sat’
  p.1 canal the ripples = you need a comma, or a semi-colon there.
  p.2 Johnny, the tallest of the two, = commas
  p.3 Johnny… turned to Billy and pointed
  p.3 Billy? Let’s go hunting? = Why the question marks?
  p.5 the man stood = the man (who/that was) standing read
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  A striker's affair
  A review of A Striking Affair
  by f-ceska on 04/07/2013
  Good title. It’s difficult to answer your question and tell you whether I think this story should be left in the novel or not, or for anyone to answer it actually, because one would have to read the novel first. From your intro I actually expected this to have more to do with the miner's strike. Also, it’s hard to comment on it as a short story in its own right because it... Good title.
  
  It’s difficult to answer your question and tell you whether I think this story should be left in the novel or not, or for anyone to answer it actually, because one would have to read the novel first. From your intro I actually expected this to have more to do with the miner's strike. Also, it’s hard to comment on it as a short story in its own right because it has a lot of dialogue, but doesn’t really tell a story so much as show us an old woman having a flashback to an important encounter in her past.
  
  You’ve told the whole story in the present tense, which is difficult to do, so kudos to you for managing that so well. The dialogue is natural and the two characters talk together in a way that resonates with the north of England. The flashback evokes the passion and lust that Vera felt for Len, but I couldn't understand much else about the characters or what role they play in the overall story.
  
  On the whole it’s written with a natural fluency and natural flow, but I’ve pointed out a few things that may help you with any future rewrites…
  
  p.1 ‘Vera is sat…’ / ‘Helen is sat…’
  What you are using is a combination of a passive construction (subject + the verb to be (tense) + past participle) to describe a present tense action/state. Although this kind of syntax is common in colloquial speech in Britain, (and more so in the north of England), it is grammatically incorrect in English, so you want to be careful about using it in your written parts. It’s fine to use in dialogue of course if you want your characters to come across as northern. The correct forms are:
  ‘Vera is sitting…’ – present continuous, to describe a scene in progress, happening now.
  ‘Vera sits…’ – present simple, to describe a present action or state, usually to talk about habits, etc.
  
  p.1 Formatting: Vera dismisses this without a second thought. ‘He’s a doctor…’
  and
  Helen starts laughing. ‘Vera, you’re hopeless.’ (You can keep these lines together as the dialogue follows the speaker. Use a full stop instead of a comma.)
  And so on elsewhere…
  
  p.3 funny thing, sex appeal (comma)
  p.3 sex appeal, lass (comma)
  
  p.4 ‘…your wedding ring,’ says Vera. (use a comma at the end of the speech if you are going to continue with the speaker). Also:
  p.4 ‘…got divorced,’ explains Helen. (comma, not full-stop).
  
  p.5 Something funny happening with the page numbers.
  
  p.6 interrupted, (comma)
  
  p.6 Vera would never have admitted it, but she was hooked. (This sentence is past tense – all the others are present tense). Should be: Vera will never admit it, but she’s hooked.
  
  p.6 -7 huge gap at the bottom of the page. I’ve seen in your reviews that you say sentences should never run on onto a new page, but I think this is no longer considered a big issue with agents / publishers. Certainly, I never abide so strictly to those rules. I think you shouldn’t leave such a large gap. Keep the text flowing.
  
  p.7 staring at …window blankly – the
  p.7 it was … if you’d been picked – as
  
  p.8 hands her a the glass – (a or the)
  
  p.9 all the commas in the first paragraph after the flashback should actually be full-stops.
  
  Thanks for sharing and good luck with your novel. read