Can't argue with the logic
You mentioned Mary Poppins and Willy Wonka as influences. There were shades of both in here, but I also had an Edward Scissorhands vibe, and the manipulation of vices in order to make characters see the light (or get their comeuppance) also reminded me of one of my favorite movies of all time, The Bishop's Wife with Cary Grant. I liked this.
Early on Horatio made me kind of worry he was a bit on the dark side but as we got to know his intentions, that dissipated steadily.
I enjoyed the complexity of the multiple character plot, and some of your dialogue from Horatio was especially wise and true. The only thing I might say that could be deemed negative is that we never get to know who Horatio really is or why he singled out this group of folks to influence. Maybe you could consider adding a couple of lines or scenes fleshing him out just a tad better that way, although keeping him a complete mystery too has its merits.
But I really liked the story. It's clever and well thought out and you can't argue with the logic of it all, which is why Frank Capra movies have stood the test of time. I appreciated the old-fashioned decency of your writing. A real pleasure to read a script here that refuses to taint itself with rough language and over the top nastiness.
Good show, Horatio.
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First of all, this sp is 112 pages not 116, clean up the invisible text in the last four pages. Apologies upfront:This review is bound to be scatterbrained so take it for what it's worth.
First impressions, I like your action language and descriptions, it's fresh, unique and entertaining to read, but in some way it may be a bit too much -- consider toning it down now and...
First of all, this sp is 112 pages not 116, clean up the invisible text in the last four pages. Apologies upfront:This review is bound to be scatterbrained so take it for what it's worth.
First impressions, I like your action language and descriptions, it's fresh, unique and entertaining to read, but in some way it may be a bit too much -- consider toning it down now and then. You have a clever, witty way, but sometimes I was pulled out of the story, and was left thinking to myself how clever the writing is. You don't want that. You want the reader fully engaged in a compelling story. -- turning the pages without feeling like they are reading. "Crap! .. A deer in the middle of the friggin road! That's my two cents.
Love the dialogue. Your voice comes through loud and clear, it's a rare brand of witty on screen dialogue that many actors would kill for. Dialogue: I wouldn't change a thing. Characters have their own points of view which is more important than the words they use. Too many writers wrongly believe that characters need to use different word choices -- that's not it. It's how they react to situations, what their outlook, background, point of view is -- that's how to distinguish one character from the other. Good job! "I want everyone wired titer than a mole's rectum. Comprende?" Loved that - I'm jealous ;) "Bang it out, girl scout."
What didn't work for me was the central story, there really isn't anything at stake, nothing primal to be lost. Yeah, I'm one of those guys, I need to be rooting for a flawed character who is striving to reach his goal, and he comes across obstacle after obstacle to try to achieve his goal. She can fail, but by page 25 I need to see the finish line. "Will this totally dysfunctional family finally resolve their issues. Will he kill the shark. Will they find the groom.
In my opinion the best way to achieve this is by posing questions and throwing obstacles in the way of the goal; Ratcheting up mayhem doesn't work. Cranking and cranking and cranking up the tension and pace leaves the reader or audience numb. Ebb and flow, give the audience a break from the action now and then. Add a sequence that is designed to to that -- slow things down for a minute or two by weaving in a sequence.
IMO there are too many: 'whips, flies, snags, roars, swings, rips, snatches ... slow it down sometimes, let the reader catch his breath.
Where was I? I think if you make the central story beginning near page 25 that their original goal (weed) which they get, then becomes about them trying desperately to get Walter the goat (who is sick) and needs medical attention from a specialized Mexican goat vet -- that could be more fun with a primal goal driving them with obstacle after obstacle in their way.
One character is taken by the goat and others a re frustrated and want to abandon the goal. That could be funny stuff with conflict.
I would cut the "struggling writer" thing from this. It's over done -- way too many struggling writer story lines. People don't want to go to a movie to find out if a struggling writer in Hollywood or NYC made it. Blah. Screams novice. Grab the reader / audience by the heartstrings and make them laugh and cry. An emotional roller coaster ride works best.
Use the goat. And a ticking clock. It will work.
Later
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I found you script to be fantastic. I couldn't believe how flowing and satisfying your action scenes were. I fail at them all the time so to see yours was wonderful.
All of your characters are great. But I did have some reservations with the protagonist and others. I felt that in the first 10 pages, I wasn't connecting with the character. Maybe rework the scenes so I feel...
I found you script to be fantastic. I couldn't believe how flowing and satisfying your action scenes were. I fail at them all the time so to see yours was wonderful.
All of your characters are great. But I did have some reservations with the protagonist and others. I felt that in the first 10 pages, I wasn't connecting with the character. Maybe rework the scenes so I feel more and have sympathy.
I thought your script had perfect structure and the paragraph lengths were all short and neat.
If there is any way you can add more conflict and buildup to the end, it would be a better finale, but beyond that, keep at it. You're a great writer.
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To honest, I was pleasantly surprised by the route you chose to take. There were some twists and turns I did not expect.
Unfortunately, this script suffers from a reactive protagonist. And if you wanted to go that route, there should have been more conflict and his internal goal should have shined more like in Scorsese films.
I also noticed there were many characters that...
To honest, I was pleasantly surprised by the route you chose to take. There were some twists and turns I did not expect.
Unfortunately, this script suffers from a reactive protagonist. And if you wanted to go that route, there should have been more conflict and his internal goal should have shined more like in Scorsese films.
I also noticed there were many characters that only existed as plot devices that grew too apparent. You should give your secondary characters a purpose or just delete them.
Overall, I like your voice. You gave a unique concept more twists than I expected. Keep it up!
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