Other Reviews by Gary Wright 155

• 
  false flag review
  A review of The False Flag
  by Gary Wright on 12/11/2011
  Hi David! I enjoyed this - what a pleasure to finally get to read some of your work. I imagine your page count is higher than you want it to be, but nevertheless, the first act feels rushed. Does it help to know that the story never feels slow to me? At no time did I think "Christ, what a long read!" I do think you could trim the opening action sequence a bit (because... Hi David!
  
  I enjoyed this - what a pleasure to finally get to read some of your work.
  
  I imagine your page count is higher than you want it to be, but nevertheless, the first act feels rushed. Does it help to know that the story never feels slow to me? At no time did I think "Christ, what a long read!" I do think you could trim the opening action sequence a bit (because once I learn that it was all pretend, I care about it a whole lot less, and I could learn what I need to know about Sean's skills in about half the time). You could take a little more time making sure this team is properly indoctrinated, de-sensitizing them to the idea of [foreign] civilian casualties, and pumping up their patriotism. I realize that the plan from the beginning is to kill them all when the op's over, but more indoctrination might be considered worthwhile, in order to make the op go as smoothly as possible. And it will teach us about Sean's demons (which are, basically, America's demons - see my note about pp.93-95).
  
  The first time you mention the 2-zap thing, when the agents are after Sean, it feels a bit lke you're making up the rules as you go along, and you need it to be a multi-stage process to make your scene work. I think we need to know how the zapper works beforehand - or we need to see it in action - maybe as someone explains how it works, physiologically. Maybe demonstrated on a terrorist captive as part of the de-sensitization process?
  
  73 - The flashback feels superfluous to me. I think it's clear enough what's tormenting Sean - and reality doesn't need to hit him here - it's been hitting pretty hard since this op started.
  
  pp. 93-95 The Sean of "the last ride" seems like a different guy than the awkward, eager youth in the beginning of act one - and I don't think his ordeal quite accounts for the change. It doesn't feel like personal growth - it feels like they're literally different characters. As written in Act One, he's a naif, with mad skillz. But Brianna's long monologue makes it clear that there's a dark underbelly to Sean's patriotism - his service is all about revenge for 9/11. Of course, Sean has to be likable, but I think you need to darken him in the first act, and make it clear that it's his lust for revenge - not his naiveté - that leads him into this situation. I like saving the information about 9/11 until Brianna's speech - but in the meantime, we should see that Sean has some demons driving him. Don't need to know what they are, but they gotta be there.
  
  97 - I think this info…
  KITTY
  Please do. Oh, uhh, at the Mall,
  you disarmed my bombs, didn’t you?
  … would be better coming from Sean, after she says she has blood on her hands that she'll never get off. He's trying to relieve her guilt, and it works, a bit, but instead of thanking him, she goes into the bit about how she would never date him.
  
  p. 100 Seems convenient that these agents can't seem to hit anything, despite their black ops training and overwhelming firepower.
  
  Suggested action sequence tweak: As Kitty is shooting everyone in the feet and then taking them out, at some critical moment she runs out of ammo. It looks like the jig is up for her, but then the agent drawing a bead on her feels a sticky bomb land between his shoulder blades - and the resulting distraction allows Kitty to escape.
  
  p.102 I'd cut the line "Those little bitches are mine." and p.103 I'd also cut the rest of Kitty's speech after "That's right, boys! I'm here!" Because the line on 104 "How many of you bitches are still alive?" will be much funnier if you haven't undercut it by calling them "bitches" twice in the moments before.
  
  108 LOL
  KITTY
  What do you do?
  STOCKY AGENT
  I... monitor things.
  BLAM - she shoots him in the chest.
  
  I think maybe - I'm not sure about this - that this line…
  SEAN
  Oh, this really isn’t my day.
  …would be funnier here, if the 2nd time you used it was NOT in an action sequence. Maybe if it was with Brianna, or his daughter, in a peaceful, domestic setting. I dunno. Now I'm having misgivings about this idea, but I'll leave the note here, in case it strikes a chord for you. My reservation about it is that the three times he says this seem kinda the same to me. He's in somewhat more physical danger each time, but the build isn't really satisfying - and there's no twist. Actually, maybe it would be better if you cut either the 2nd or the 3rd time he says it (in the current draft), and have him say it again in the denouement, because his daughter is being an adorable little stinker. That would be a nice twist for the 3rd.
  
  p.110 I think you could cut this, and simply show that Sean is no longer in control of the plane - and maybe that a detonator onboard is re-armed.
  SMOKING MAN
  We’ve planned for every possible
  contingency and even now we’re still very much in control.
  
  112 - LOL
  SEAN I didn’t know how to land a plane
  anyway... Rest in peace, Kitty.
  But the RIP Kitty feels perfunctory. I don't think you need to be in such a hurry to play that beat. Save it for the denouement.
  
  116 - "Donner cracks a smile." I don't know about this. Feels a little off-pitch to me. There's no one to pose for - I think he could show some frustration. People knowing their husbands is such a pain in the ass when you're trying to take over the world. If you mean to show that Donner wasn't in on the plot - maybe reconsider. It would be emotionally satisfying for Brianna to get a bad guy's goat here.
  
  Powerful final image - and nice counterpoint to opening image.
  
  If you'd like my thoughts on anything else, please feel free to get in touch anytime - I'd be happy to dig into it a little deeper!
  
  all the best,
  
  Gary
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  read
• 
  b.g. action
  A review of Background Action
  by Gary Wright on 11/04/2011
  Matt, I enjoyed this very much. Here are a few thoughts about things I love, and things that I think could work better. HIGHLIGHTS… The opening crosscut between Patrick's red carpet fantasy and the reality. Though I admit I had trouble following what was actually happening with the drunk who assaulted him. And it seemed strange that he was still there on the set days... Matt,
  
  I enjoyed this very much. Here are a few thoughts about things I love, and things that I think could work better.
  
  HIGHLIGHTS…
  
  The opening crosscut between Patrick's red carpet fantasy and the reality. Though I admit I had trouble following what was actually happening with the drunk who assaulted him. And it seemed strange that he was still there on the set days later - seems someone would have called the police and had him escorted away? Or if that's not what's done, wouldn't someone at least wonder aloud why the hell not?
  
  DONNY (bolting up) They got porridge!
  
  That brief moment of enchantment with the knight fixing his horse's harness in the shaft of sunlight.
  
  Falling down the manhole.
  
  The call from the producer after his audition, when he didn't get the job. I found myself wanting him to get it for, and expecting him to get it - and I realized that show business movies have kind of conditioned me to want and expect that. So I was very pleased when you withheld success from him at this moment.
  
  STONER (after pause) Wait, what? LOL
  
  Shelia's speech to the effect that "you can be the man you were - you just have to believe in him". Very nicely done, and felt perfectly organic, coming from Shelia.
  
  TERRY Don't even joke (about Aimee's serial killer potential)
  
  Patrick's sigh when Terry faints. LOL
  
  Marcia watching the old audition tape.
  
  Patrick's two lines in the horror movie.
  
  Patrick instinctively moving with the background players in the final moment, and then remembering that he's a principal now. Brilliant.
  
  THINGS THAT I THINK COULD BE BETTER..
  
  As I mentioned above, the action with the face-punching drunkard felt a bit disjointed.
  
  In leading up to Aimee's freakout, I feel you rely too much on dialogue between other characters talking about her. My preference would be that you show us more little moments like the crazy eyes in the movie theater, to put us on notice that this girl is really troubled.
  
  I like your dialogue very much - it feels on the nose to me in only 2 spots. The first is the angry phone call between Shelia and Patrick - Shelia's lines feel especially OTN, and I think you've missed a nice opportunity here to have her push a button that she knows will hurt. She could call him a hypocrite for chiding her about not treating their son as a son, since he doesn't give Terry enough time, either, and (this is the part that stings) "It's not as if you're the star of these stupid movies. Not as if anyone's going to say Oh dear, what'll we do without Patrick today? Cancel the shoot, go home everyone, we'll try again when Patrick's here!" I think if you let her be a little more cruel here, then her lovely speech about how to be the man he once was will carry more weight, and will feel better. The other OTN spot is between Terry and Patrick, and it's just Terry's one line: "You were, and still are, a big part of my life." It feels stilted compared to the rest of your excellent dialogue, and I think it could be something much more terse, like "[Thanks] For… you know… everything." Patrick's reply tells us what Terry's really talking about, so we don't need Terry to spell it out for us.
  
  I'm an actor, and there's something I do that I think would fit beautifully in this script, because I'm sure I'm not the only actor who does it. When I'm watching a performance, one of two things happens. Either I'm completely transported by it (which is what I prefer to have happen), or, as I'm watching, I replay it in my head the way I would do it. It's not a smug feeling, it's kind of painful - not nearly as pleasant as simply enjoying the performance. You establish the convention for such an "interior scene" in the opening, so I think it would be cool, and thematically appropriate, and totally verisimilitudinous (is that a word?), to have him watch a mediocre actor toss off a scene in a rather uninspired way, while imagining how he would make that scene sing if it were his to do.
  
  And finally, Patrick's speech on p.97 doesn't resonate with me at all. I wouldn't want it to be too on the nose, but I really feel something that requires real acting would be better. An impassioned plea of some kind - pleading with a jury or an executioner for a defendant's life, or talking someone out of committing suicide - something far more dramatically chewy, and thematically on point.
  
  This is a very wise script. For a guy who is near the beginning of his career (I assume, based on your profile pic and bio) you have an uncanny and very compassionate understanding of what it's like to be a middle-aged guy with a lot of regrets about the road not taken. That's the most exciting thing about it, for me - the human empathy in these pages. I like this script a lot, and I think you've got a lot more good work in you.
  
  all the best,
  
  Gary
  
  read
• 
  My tail's still wagging
  A review of "Castaway Dog"
  by Gary Wright on 10/23/2011
  Marc, I enjoyed this so much. A rich, delightful cast of characters, genuinely funny running gags, deftly handled setups and payoffs which felt totally organic to the characters, plenty of great visuals, high stakes, and just enough fresh, whimsical weirdness to make it feel like a truly original universe. I was troubled by the fact that Captain Drake sounds like a salty... Marc,
  I enjoyed this so much. A rich, delightful cast of characters, genuinely funny running gags, deftly handled setups and payoffs which felt totally organic to the characters, plenty of great visuals, high stakes, and just enough fresh, whimsical weirdness to make it feel like a truly original universe. I was troubled by the fact that Captain Drake sounds like a salty sea dog when you introduce him, and in most of the scenes - but not in all of them. I think you need to take a pass through and just Robert Newton him up a little bit in the places where he sounds, uh, like a regular person. And I was very distracted and bothered by the fact that Scarling Dray only really had trouble with Ts and Ds about half the time. Maybe it wouldn't have bothered me if I were watching the movie - but because I read that very funny line in the description about her having trouble with those letters, it kept bothering me when she seemed perfectly capable of pronouncing them. I wanted you to either be more consistent with the substitutions, or work harder to use words that don't contain those letters. In fact, I think you could get some comic value out of that as a character trait - if she's self-conscious about her pronunciation problems and sometimes uses deliberately tortured phrasing in order to avoid Ts and Ds - and someone calls her on it. Maybe??? I dunno. Just spitballing. I also think there are several places where you could describe specific puppy behaviors that would be very entertaining. I would take a pass through and puppy them up a bit more. It's not a glaring weakness - you actually do it very well in many places, but I sensed a few lost opportunities here and there. You have quite a few typos and punctuation shortcomings, which I marked up in detail, along with a few more specific suggestions in the pdf of your script. I'll email it to you. If you have a Mac, I recommend opening the pdf in the application "Preview" - that makes the notes and stickies easy to read.
  all the best,
  Gary read