Kevin – I gotta admit, I had no intention of sitting down and reading this – just opened it up to give the first couple pages a quick scan. Next thing I knew, I was off and reading. Here are my reading notes, to be followed by a few general observations afterwards
16 I’d cut this line:
Yes!... In a celebrity sex tape!
Or at least have someone else say it.
19 This passage of dialogue is unnecessary – I would cut it, or if you want to fill the space with dialogue while he’s popping in the dvd, replace this passage with something more oblique, less on the nose.
Only the latest craze in celebrity
Sorry, Dave, I'm not addicted to
porn like someone... ahh--You!
Addicted to and starring in are quite
Jen's still confused.
Your sex tape with Nick Slatter and
40-41 A sudden, inexplicable rash of typos – see brackets :
Oh, so you're going back to work?
We're just making [on our s/b our own?] decisions now, huh?
I'm making one right now--Please
leave. You're never gonna [to] change. You did what you did, said what you said. This is never gonna end--It took all of this for me to see it. I'm done!
I'm... I'm... alll-ready gone! That's
right and you're still the girl you use to be! You can't see the light--
You're quoting the Eagles--seriously?!
He storms out. When the door SLAMS, a [shutter s/b shudder] runs through her. She turns to the door.
41 montage “Dave’s Jealous Episodes” – Only 2 episodes doesn’t seem like enough to warrant a montage. Seems like there should be a comic build of 3, with an ironic payoff on the 3rd. The masseur and masseuse switching places could serve as said payoff, unless you come up with something better, which I’m sure you could do. That’s not a knock against the masseur gag, just an acknowledgment that you’ve written some good stuff, and clearly have the creative wherewithal to write more.
You can't fight the law of attraction-- It's a law!
Apparently ketchup and chocolate
joined the party... and petroleum jelly?!
See that, Jen; I'm still your virgin.
A terrorist would consider me his reward... if he was gay.
This feels like a pretty marketable comedy in the vein of I Love You Man, or Forgetting Sarah Marshall, with likable characters and genuinely funny lines, as well as good physical gags. The other script I read of yours was a drama, so I was not expecting such strong comic chops, but I think you’ve got them. Compared to a lot of other so-called comedies I’ve read (and seen), I thought this was pretty funny, but it also has enough heart and brain to elevate it above the lower echelon of the genre.
I don’t know if you should be concerned about this or not – but you nearly lost me after the midpoint. I lost quite a bit of sympathy for Dave (and that translated to losing interest in the story) during his extended tailspin, which is, I guess, most of the second half of Act 2, and I was bracing myself for alienation and disappointment in the climactic (wedding) scene. I didn’t see how this could possibly end in a way that would have me caring about any of the characters. So I was genuinely surprised, relieved, and delighted when the guerilla wedding video turned out to be… what it was. You actually won me back, and I didn’t think you could. Nice job.
Review of: My Wife's Celebrity Sex Tape
reviewed by Gary Wright on 02/20/2011
Other Reviews by Gary Wright 155
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