‘Project Jingle Bell’ is a tongue-in-cheek fantastical tale in which the fate of mankind appears to hang in the balance on the result of a wager made between Christ and Lucifer at the poker table. It depends on the outcome of a match made in Heaven and Hell – namely a priest with a murky conscience and a prostitute with a heart of gold. Are these Hollywood stereotypes? Well I suppose you’d have to say yes, but then it all depends on what you do with the idea.
Probably your best strength is characterisation. I like Andrew as the main protagonist. He’s nicely drawn as the compassionate but stressed-out man of the cloth, and we get the impression that he has a secret history before we actually learn about it.
Kate too is a very three-dimensional figure. She is quite believable in that you avoid the usual stereotypes of gangster’s moll or passive victim. Other characters such as Shane, Chang, Jessica and Jesus are all nicely differentiated and have their individual voices.
The concept is an interesting one. The gods of creation watch over the amusing or tragic antics of mankind. It’s not exactly a fresh idea (‘The Seventh Seal’, ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ and ‘Bruce Almighty’ spring variously to mind) but there are all sorts of directions in which you could take it. Also, your cinematic description is on the whole clear and effective, although I’ve got some reservations about your style. You move crisply between scenes and the imagery is strong and imaginative. Your dialogue too is crisp, natural-sounding and true to character.
But I have to be honest, Ralph. This was a helluva tough read. After about 20 pages you’d introduced so many characters and set up so many strands of plot that I began to lose track of what was going on. I ploughed through the rest of the script because I thought your writing is strong enough to warrant constructive feedback, but honestly I couldn’t fathom what the hell was going on most of the time. Towards the end your themes began to take more obvious shape and the story came together in a more focused way.
On a second reading when I was making my detailed notes, things became clearer, but even then I found myself struggling to follow what was going on. I have no doubt that this would play more smoothly on screen; however for a spec script, which I’m assuming this is, it’s the studio reader you have to get past.
These are the things which, for me at least, are the main issues:
Firstly, the sheer number of characters and their individual traits. I find it overwhelming. Not only do you have a great swatch of names for the reader to remember, but some of them have more than one. Buddha and Confucius become Sid and Carl. Christ becomes Neil. (As an aside, no-one in the script addresses Buddha, Confucius or John Doe by name, so how would the viewer know who they are anyway?) On top of that, just to confuse things further you throw in a completely separate guy who happens to be called Jesus! Then as added icing on the cake, you also have flashbacks where we see some of the characters in youth or childhood. It’s a tough call.
Secondly, the story itself seems convoluted and disjointed to me. Just as I felt I was getting to grips with one plot element, you dive off at another tangent and we need to start figuring out what’s happening again. There are so many different strands: the gods and prophets with their wager, the scrapes which Shane gets into, the relationship between Andrew and Kate, the paedophilia story, the Russo angle, the Arab terrorists, the Jingle Bell website, the Alma Project, etc etc.
I realise that a lot of these converge towards the end. But that in itself seems to be a problem since we then have a plethora of scenes which give us backstory exposition through a character’s dialogue. Andrew, Kate, Jessica and Alma all deliver ‘this is what happened to me’ dialogue at some point in the script. I have to admit that I’m still rather lost on some of the storylines.
I think you need to pare down the story to its essential elements, which I’m assuming are the Andrew-Kate relationship and the Andrew-Shane story.
Lastly, the overall tone of the script. You don’t list comedy among the genres for your script but there are quite a few comedic elements in it. However there are also many dark passages and the main themes are about love, loss, rejection and betrayal. To my mind (and again it’s purely personal) the comedy doesn’t fit neatly with those main themes. One minute you’ve got a priest being accused on live TV of paedophilia. Then an absurdly surreal terrorist attack by Arabs using rockets and paint guns.
These are the other notes I made as I read through:
1. The song title is ‘Jingle Bells’, plural – unless you have a specific reason for using the singular.
1 Just a point on your writing style: you’ve clearly put effort into it, but sometimes it can be somewhat more hip and streetwise than is comfortable to read. Hip and streetwise is no problem in the right context, but if your reader has to spend time teasing out the basic information he needs to follow the story, it’s going to be a hard slog. Your reader isn’t nearly so immersed in the story as you are. So tiny points of detail which are obvious to you have to be made obvious to the reader.
As an example (there are many in the script)…
Andrew scans the room, sweating. COUGH. COUGH.
At the far end four people sit at a poker table playing a
game of Texas Hold’em. One of them, SHANE CANTON (17),
reacts to the cough. Shit.
I’m having to assume here that a. it was Andrew who coughed; b. Texas Hold’em is a variety of poker; c. ‘Shit’ describes Shane’s reaction of alarm to the cough; but it could equally mean ‘what the hell, I’m game for this’.
You could avoid all these little pitfalls by re-writing the passage as:
At the far end four people sit at a table playing a
game of Texas Hold’em poker.
Andrew scans the room, sweating. He COUGHS loudly.
One of the players, SHANE CANTON (17), flinches at the sound.
3 What’s the significance of the Mercedes? It makes several appearances. Is it just a symbol of urban decay or lawlessness?
4 Snow covered trees, heavy with ripe, delicious fruit… In winter? Or is this part of the surreal imagery?
To 6 Is the gambling scene with Christ and Lucifer deliberately esoteric and ambiguous? It’s hard to know what’s going on. It seems that Christ is betting that humanity will give up religion… doesn’t really make sense to be, and since it’s a central plank of your story, it needs to be more explicit.
I’m not quite sure whether Morris is supposed to be symbolic of some religion, or whether he’s just an invention. Why is it important that we never see his face?
7 INT. FERRARI – DAY A bit more needed. Whose Ferrari? Jessica’s?
17 Who’s Edward? Who’s Sister Ruth? No-one addresses Grime as Edward in any of your scenes so the viewer can’t make the connection. Similarly with Sister Ruth.
18 The bet has been made. Armageddon is to be ‘rescheduled’. Christ plans to ‘raise hell and let heaven sort it out’. But I still don’t know what it means.
18 Imagery of four snowballs falling. Horsemen of the Apocalypse? Something else? Or just a pretty scene?
19 This recurring theme of the moment before we enter our lives and the moment we leave it. It’s a nice image but I can’t really see how it’s relevant to your story. And I’m not convinced that the voice-over adds anything useful to the mix.
19 Remember? We used to talk. Who is ‘we’?
21 ‘…but it’s hardly one that doesn’t deserve your attention’.
You sometimes stray into double negatives and convoluted phrasing. Much simpler and easier on the tongue would be:
‘but it still deserves your attention’.
24 RUTH The shop called. Shall they bring the car or will we pick it up? What’s she talking about?
25 Dave eyes Kate. I assume ‘Dave’ is the driver. Since he never appears again, there’s no need to name him. But if you do, the name needs to appear in his slug lines.
30 Hammit’s house (who’s Hammit, anyway?) seems to belong to Suzy (who’s Suzy?) … or does it belong to the church? Or maybe Alma? This is getting really difficult to follow.
34 To her surprise, ANTONIO … stands in the office door. Why would she be surprised? They live together, don’t they?
35 VOICE (V.O.) I call about the Bentley. When could I take a look at the car? JESSICA The Bentley?
I don’t understand this exchange – seems random.
41 Apparently Morris prevented a disaster. But it’s not clear how, since an explosion had occurred.
43 Kate sees something in a newspaper which enrages her. What?
49 Why don’t the police just arrest everyone in the house, if they’ve been authorised to do so, instead of standing around chatting?
54 Sterling states that Darkmore twisted some arms to do an eviction. Seems very unlikely, because (a) he wouldn’t have been privy to this information and (b) even if he was, he wouldn’t be telling it to the occupants of the house.
54 I used to live here for two years. With Edsel Hammit. He became so strange in the end. Put all his
Edsel never features in the story, so why the need to mention him? And Alma begins to say something about his money, but doesn’t finish the speech. ??
67 Your background is business. How so? He’s a priest.
69 SUZANNE CANTON, Latino, late 30s,
(a) No point in calling her Suzanne – it only throws the reader. Just call her Suzy if that’s who she is.
(b) Is she Shane’s mother? Sister? Can’t be his mother since Shane says she’s in hospital (p62). I’m really confused now.
I bet old Luke is involved here. Who’s Luke??
81 All hell breaks loose as the Arabs, who’ve seen Morris on TV, come storming in with assault weapons. Incredibly, no-one is killed; incredibly, Morris wastes them single-handedly; and incredibly, the house is still standing.
89 KATE I haven’t seen snow like this since--
Her face drops. Why is Montana significant?
I had to wait for your decision.
Her face drops. What decision?
92 More storm clouds. We’re a bit heavy on the storm imagery!
I see you on Christmas.
I assume Lucifer exits the scene at this point?
103 Grime is packing to go. Why does he need money?
106 Consecutive chunks of dialogue for Kate??
I know dad raped you. After you left I knew. It all came to me.
So Jessica thinks that her father is also Miriam’s father? But actually it’s Antonio? Or have I got it wrong?
113 She stares at Lucifer, sits up straight.
Who is ‘she’? Kate? Jessica?
Typos, punctuation, etc…
4 One of his cards lies uncovered…
6 He collects the cards…
7 …toward the exit.
7 Could we have a talk?
7 I can drive you.
7 …as she takes her seat.
11 Why don’t you come closer?
11 Where are we going? Don’t you like question marks?
12 The car stops…
12 Help! Help!
13 Kate’s strength grows…
13 A silver handgun sticks out…
17 ALMA (into phone)
20 Not too long ago to forget your vow…
21 …what does all that have to do with St. John?
21 Life has its own way…
22 …do you really believe that I molest children?
26 PHHHT - flat tire.
27 The sun takes a timid peek…
27 Voices are heard…
27 Across the lot lies the entrance…
31 How do we know you’re kosher?
34 I’ll call again.
37 How did the priest end up in all this?
43 … a T-shirt and jeans.
52 …no matter what I think.” (If you open with double quotes, you need to close with them too.)
52 Why don’t you just sell?
58 More of a path actually...
69 …takes a peek into the car.
70 Why don’t you do it?
74 The place is spick and span.
75 Look what’s going on out front.
76 Jessica takes a seat…
78 problems of drugs and homelessness…
78 …lots of ideas.
81 What do you say…
81 …tearing a hole…
89 …I’d have a few questions.
92 Building materials are attacked… ???
92 It’s an animated image of the cottage; trees move…
93 The sky behind the cottage…
93 Lucifer’s smirk freezes.
93 He experienced a moment of truth.
94 ...and claim the price. Do you mean prize?
95 …messed up big time.
96 It makes him angry.
103 The Jack of Spades lying…
104 You may be looking at a decade of desk jobs…
106 How about your legs?
109 …have actually experienced it…
110 it’s too much to ask…
113 EXT. HAMMIT’S MANSION
113 …from the broken pipe…
That’s all from me, Ralph. Hope these notes are useful to you. Good luck with it.
Review of: Project Jingle Bell
reviewed by Rfordyce on 03/20/2012
Review ID: 4160057
Other Reviews by Rfordyce 122
A review of Losing Touchby Rfordyce on 07/27/2014Hi Lennox, thanks for loading up ‘Losing Touch.’ It’s mature, inventive and I really enjoyed it. You’re no novice when it comes to putting a screenplay together. I like the blend of reality and delusion which you weave; it keeps us guessing. Your characters are memorable, especially the two leads of Danny and Warren, who manifest their schizophrenia in rather different... Hi Lennox, thanks for loading up ‘Losing Touch.’ It’s mature, inventive and I really enjoyed it. You’re no novice when it comes to putting a screenplay together. I like the blend of reality and delusion which you weave; it keeps us guessing. Your characters are memorable, especially the two leads of Danny and Warren, who manifest their schizophrenia in rather different ways – Danny initially through drug abuse and Warren through emotional stress. The supporting characters, from streetwise Katie to nerdy Erik, are well drawn. Your dialogue and description is snappy and professionally written, and the concept is a good one. A generous sprinkling of wry humour laced throughout the story helps to make it very readable. Well done.
This has very good potential, but there are a few offerings I will make by way of suggestions for improvement.
Your logline ‘Is what we experience real or is it just a fantasy?’ is okay as a philosophical after-dinner discussion but it doesn’t offer much in the way of conflict or as an advert for the story. Loglines aren’t my forte either but you might consider something like:
‘An addict placed in rehab questions his own sanity when his room-mate drags him into a violent manhunt.’
The opening pages are very energetic and forceful. You avoid the trap of wallowing too long in scenes of drug-depraved debauchery, which could be an instant turn-off for many people, by juxtaposing them with the soulful scene involving Danny and Katie.
Your writing style is very engaging, but sometimes you stray into ‘unfilmable’ territory, giving information to the reader which isn’t available to the film-goer, e.g. -
1 In this moment we may think he’s king of the world. Maybe even he thinks it. But he’s not.
2 It’s been a while since he hasn’t woken up hung-over.
We’re all guilty of these from time to time, but just be aware of it.
On page 9 we have the first of many ‘delusional’ scenes where reality and fantasy are juxtaposed. This is done entirely in a factual way through ordinary description, and I wondered at first whether there might be some more effective formatting method of ‘marking’ these passages for the reader, to make it more obvious what’s going on. But I can’t think of a way of doing it which doesn’t intrude on the reader’s attention, and anyway your description skills are more than adequate to the task.
The main area where I think you need to tighten up the script is the storyline. There’s always a danger in a story like this, which involves frequent ‘delusional’ interludes, that you go over the top and throw layer upon layer of unreality on to the pile in the belief that because it’s delusional, you have free rein to ignore the normal restrictions of time, place and reality. But cinema audiences are a lot more savvy then we sometimes give them credit for, and they will quickly spot when their belief is being stretched too far. I think that for the most part you’ve avoided this problem, but there are issues which I think you need to consider. It’s very possible that I’ve missed some clues along the way, or have simply misunderstood some of the material, but these are some elements which concern me:
We’ve all relied on coincidental happenings to help our storylines along, but multiple ones can become noticeable:
•Danny and Warren’s son were born on the same day.
•Warren ended up in the same unit where Chris is employed as a nurse.
•Warren and Danny walk into a hospital and happen upon a doctor who remembers a patient - from 22 years ago.
•Kate is shopping in a random store just in time to rescue Warren and Danny from a tricky situation.
More importantly, there are elements in the story which I just can’t get my head around:
How does Warren know to go looking for Emily in a hospital? There’s some reference to a ‘note’ on page 59 but I don’t think it’s ever explained where this note came from or how.
Who is the mysterious Dr Amyes? Presumably he’s a relative of Mark Amyes (named on page 100). I find it confusing because although the first mention of Mark is on page 70, the dialogue and context seem to suggest that we should already know about him.
In the episode with ‘Father Allen’, although it’s absorbing, I just can’t fathom out what’s going on. Is Father Allen the same Irish man who speaks to Dr Amyes on the phone? And having mysteriously appeared as a Skype talking head, he then disappears from the story again.
Also it seems clear from the dialogue between Chris and Mark (pages 85-86) that Chris already knows Warren is his real father. Which kind of begs the question as to why he’s chosen to work at Happy House in close proximity to his real father – or is that another coincidence?
How did Mark get to know Emily in the first place? If he was around at the time Warren deserted her, it seems likely that he and Warren would have known each other. But this obviously isn’t so.
Other reading notes:
Your ‘I am not crazy’ mantra at the very outset is good but some studio readers might take umbrage, as it should strictly speaking be shown as opening TITLES – making your script 118 pages instead of 117.
11 …pulls out a picture of EMILY and Warren. Twentyfive years ago.
The audience can’t know that it’s twenty-five years old, unless you show it through dialogue, visual clues, or whatever.
28/29 I like the voice-overs by Warren as Danny follows his instructions – good formatting and it adds to the comic effect.
33 Good build-up of tension between Danny and Chris as Chris tries to steal the keys.
65 PRIEST (V.O.)
How long since your last confession, my son?
I believe it should be O.C. (off camera) rather than V.O.
70 We’re off to Mark’s. … And I stole his wallet.
Who’s Mark? And when was his wallet stolen?
88 The scenes between Erik and The Chief are funny in a ‘Police Academy’ style, but it stretches credibility that nerdy Erik is given total responsibility for running down two violent desperadoes!
89 INT. HOSPITAL - DAY
Chris sits in the waiting room. The description says Chris but the dialogue says Danny?
102 It doesn’t make sense that although Mark’s hands are free, he makes no effort to pull his gag off.
106 Katie calls up information very easily on her computer about Emily Dape. Surely Warren could have found out just as easily himself, especially given that he’s a very cunning operator? Doesn’t make sense somehow.
Ask your son! Ask Topher! First mention of the name. I think it would be better to plant this information earlier so that the audience is ‘primed’.
113 onwards… all the loose ends are tied up. This ultra-neat ending seems just a little too cheesy in comparison with the anarchy of the main story.
Typos, grammar, etc: could be better! The script could do with a really thorough proofread before it goes anywhere near a potential investor. I’ve picked out instances from the first 20 pages:
1 Two girls gyrate on a frat bro’s face.
3 People clear away from him, disgusted.
7 Warren stops running … and stares at Danny.
8 Entertainment dances and sings. ???
11 Great thing about these is, you can’t spill them.
11 Danny wants to respond…
13 Getting your mind back means two things…
13 Chris comes up to them…
13 Warren helping you get adjusted?
13 …emergency exits, TV room…
14 I can get used to the…
16 Danny has wiped up most of the vomit.
17 Warren snags it and jams it…
19 If you fuck with me … or affect my chances…
20 What’ve you got to lose?
20 Chris peeks his head in.
20 Warren bursts from behind the door.
20 Wraps his arm … and pulls him …
Finally, at 117 pages the script is quite lengthy. You might want to look for ways to trim it down by 10 pages or more.
That’s all from me, Lennox. Like I say, thanks for a very enjoyable script, and I wish you luck with it.
A review of World On A String -graphic draftby Rfordyce on 05/23/2014‘World on a String’ is certainly one of the most ambitious scripts I’ve read on TS. Everything about it is on a massive scale. The concept hinges on nothing less than the possible destruction of not just one nation, not just the population of Planet Earth, but the possible demise of our whole solar system. Set in the distant future, your story creates a complete sci-fi realisation... ‘World on a String’ is certainly one of the most ambitious scripts I’ve read on TS. Everything about it is on a massive scale. The concept hinges on nothing less than the possible destruction of not just one nation, not just the population of Planet Earth, but the possible demise of our whole solar system. Set in the distant future, your story creates a complete sci-fi realisation of a possible environment and our state of being in a world yet to come. The story is bold and action-packed; the characters are vivid, and your language tries, in lyrical style, to describe unfamiliar and challenging ideas. For ambition alone, you deserve top score. You’ve put a ton of work into this, and for that you should be applauded. Few spec writers would take on such a hefty project. I’m sure you realise that this would cost megabucks to finance, so getting it past a studio reader would be the greatest challenge.
For all its ambition however I find it a very difficult read. I’m not sure what you’re expecting in terms of feedback. You obviously know your way around screenplay conventions (I had a quick look at your other submissions) so you must be aware that what you’ve uploaded here is in the style of a shooting script rather than a reader’s script. I suppose that the tag of ‘Graphic Draft’ which you’ve assigned is a hint in this direction. But I’m a bit puzzled about why you’d upload a shooting script, which normally only comes into play after (1) a producer has optioned the script (2) it’s been dismantled and reassembled numerous times to make it production-ready (3) actors, crew and locations have been painfully assembled, and (4) funding for zillions of dollars has been sourced. I’m assuming that this is still a spec script (if not, then congratulations, because dammit, you’re well on the way to being very wealthy!) so your prime concern is to get a thumbs-up from any reader who exerts some sort of influence.
In its present state that would be very difficult. Quite apart from the megabucks required, the fact that you’re trying to describe a very unfamiliar sci-fi environment, coupled with numerous camera directions, VOs, PRE-LAPs, CHAN/CALL conventions, FINDs, etc makes it a bit of a slog for the average reader (and I’m definitely one of those). Just a couple of examples, from early in the script:
Page 4 Why is Rabaan’s face hidden from us the first time we hear him? It makes things confusing for the audience and nothing seems to be gained by it. Indeed it’s not obvious to the audience that Rabaan is Chan’s son. You imply this for the reader, because you give Rabaan the same surname JAREL in your description lines. But the cinema audience, whom you’re ultimately telling the story to, can’t see the description lines; you have to convey information to them by some other means. This is an issue that occurs throughout the script.
Pages 7-9 I find the VOs in this sequence confusing, especially with other VOICES also included in the dialogue. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out who was talking to whom, and where. Now, I quite agree that if it ever got into production, a director may well choose to film it as you’ve written it; but on the page it just adds layers of unnecessary complexity. In a spec script I think you’d be much better just to show a montage of Nico searching among the garbage; immediately followed by the scene in the warehouse with Nico and August. How a director then chooses to film it is their decision.
In terms of storyline, I have to admit that a lot of the plot doesn’t quite make sense to me. I’m not sure how the Apex developed the powers which they possess, which basically seem to derive from their crowns (or is it circlets? – you seem to use the terms haphazardly). We’re told that Gabriel ‘made the first crown’ but what was his motivation? Why is he hibernating in a cryo-tank anyway? And if that’s part of his master-plan, why does he seem so surprised at everything that happens to him?
Where has the ‘Brain’ come from? Has it been engineered by Gabriel, or mankind, or has it evolved differently? Who or what are the ‘Golden Eyes?’ Whose will are they obeying? Gabriel’s? The Titans? I don’t know where the Titans have come from, or indeed what their intentions are: do they simply cruise the universe chomping up planets at random, or do they have a deeper raison d’etre? Who or what is the ultimate villain in this story? I know that to a large extent the antagonist is mankind itself, enmeshed in constant war, avarice and petty ambition. But as it stands (and no doubt I’ve missed clues along the way, so apologies in advance) the central conflict in this story seems a bit fragmented.
Much of the description, especially in the vital opening sequences, is difficult for the reader to visualise. I realise this is a common stumbling block in sci-fi scripts, and a reader should make allowances for it, but then, you also need to make life a little easier for the reader. Just a few examples:
‘Bright lettering and videos smother the world, facing inward. Sky ads for the people on the surface.’
Difficult to visualise.
What do you mean by an ‘Orbital Castle?’
‘A crown of gold alloy and gorilla glass.’
I wasn’t familiar with the term ‘gorilla glass.’ I am now, having researched it, but again, difficult to visualise.
‘…on a purple-lit FLYER with the top down…’
Needs more detail. Just calling something a ‘flyer’ doesn’t give us much to go on.
‘A high ceiling above and Earth’s wild skylights open underneath.’
What’s a skylight?
‘A laser from Chan’s flyer erases the face of a man we’ll come to know as Gabriel.’
Very difficult to follow what’s going on here. Does the face belong to the statue? Or is it somewhere else? And it belongs to a character we haven’t even seen yet?
‘INT. GABRIEL’S SHIP - PLANET HIGHWAY – DAY’
What’s Planet Highway – the name of the ship? Or something else?
Then there’s the matter of:
I’m sure you know what’s meant by unfilmables. Things a writer puts on paper which are difficult, or impossible, for a director to show on screen, e.g. – thoughts running through someone’s mind; exposition which is simply written in your description rather than in action or dialogue on screen, etc. We all try to get away with them, and sometimes we succeed, but if they proliferate it can feel as if we’re reading a novel, not a screenplay. Examples:
6 Gabriel survived a lifetime to see what’s laid out in front of him through that window.
24 Leetz puts a hand on Chan’s shoulder. His face says what he dares not to say out loud. This is why we can’t trust them.
20 And for the first time, Nico is seeing an Apex act like a person and not a god.
45 Payche, eyes closed, agonizing, still processing what happened to Rabaan.
57 Nico scoots over a seat, wondering if that was Rabaan’s chair or something.
64 He’s been genuinely lonely out here.
There are plenty more, but I don’t want to labour the point.
Other reading notes:
3 It’s addressed to us by name. And to Qel.
There’s a problem with the character Qel. He’s referred to several times in the story, and is obviously important to the plot, but we never actually see him. It’s just my personal opinion, but I think there’s always a risk with that scenario because the audience subconsciously expects to meet the character at some point, and feel vaguely cheated when they don’t. I assume that Qel was Payche’s father but this isn’t made absolutely clear.
Put your crown on. You people are impossible to get a hold of.
Who does he mean by ‘You people?’
18 She kicks an invisible MUTE BOX-- ???
26 Where’s the poor fuck with Rabaan’s circlet?
Crown or circlet? Is there a difference?
63 Payche and Nico have to dodge a barrage of artillery fire. But where’s it coming from? I thought Yeree and the workers on the Moon were friendly?
64 Payche smiles sadly at his condition and embraces her brother.
Yeree is her brother? I thought he was Leetz’s son?
How is Rabaan?
Not sure if the meaning of ‘sotto’ is widely understood.
126 It takes Rabaan a second to recognize the brother he hasn’t seen in so many years.
Yeree and Rabaan are brothers?
Grammar, punctuation, etc:
Fairly clean. Just a couple of annoying habits (?!*)…
a. The ubiquitous OFF OF, e.g. – 2 ‘He drags his crown off of the counter.’ You don’t need the second ‘of.’
b. Missing commas, especially before a name, e.g. –
5 ...it can be dangerous, Rabaan.
27 Nico’s eyes flick from Apex to Apex...
32 I need to see whose side you’re on.
44 He’s no Hunter.
47 That’s the brain, isn’t it?
49 Leetz’s catwalk abruptly drops to Nico’s level and he swaggers over.
49 Let the boy train first, Leetz.
56 ..and the little robot unfolds…
59 Payche slides the hatch open…
69 Though you’re becoming less and less useful.
Connor, you probably think I’m being hyper-critical here, and maybe you’re right. There’s a terrific story to be told here, But I think you need to do some serious work to mould it into a form which can be industry-ready. Then all you need to do is persuade somebody to finance it! But congratulations on making the attempt, and I wish you well with it. read
A review of TAKE TEA AND TALKby Rfordyce on 11/12/2013Hi Magi, you must have drawn the short straw – you’ve got me again! ‘Take Tea and Talk’ explores very similar territory to ‘Reza’s Studio’. So similar that it feels sometimes as if you’re simply putting together the same jigsaw in a slightly different order. You focus on the uncomfortable distinctions between two cultures and whether they can co-exist successfully. Again,... Hi Magi, you must have drawn the short straw – you’ve got me again!
‘Take Tea and Talk’ explores very similar territory to ‘Reza’s Studio’. So similar that it feels sometimes as if you’re simply putting together the same jigsaw in a slightly different order. You focus on the uncomfortable distinctions between two cultures and whether they can co-exist successfully. Again, the lead characters are an Asian male and an American female. Again, the engine which drives the story is the political situation in the male protagonist’s homeland. And again the female enters freely into a relationship which appears to offer very little except subjugation to her lover’s will. Even her name is the same – Elizabeth / Beth. Both are set in the 1980s. Both have an extremely abusive ex-husband. Both have a girl friend who plays supporting role to the main female.
However, while I feel that ‘Reza’s Studio’ is potentially a great concept, I’m afraid ‘Take Tea and Talk’ doesn’t really grab my attention. Although you don’t list it as a comedy, I think a lot of the material is aiming for a comedy angle (I may be completely wrong in that assumption). But comedy is a notoriously difficult genre to write, as it’s so subjective. The only guarantee is that different things appeal to different people. I think a lot of it could play successfully as comedy with good actors cast in the right roles – especially the scenes with Rahim and Omar. But overall I don’t feel that it works; the shifts in tone between comedy and intense drama are too sudden and erratic to let the story flow.
I think the main obstacles for me are (1) Beth’s personality and (2) the absence of a strong narrative. I know that in Beth you’re trying to portray a sensitive, multi-faceted character who has been through troubled times. But her subservience to Rahim’s whims, her erratic changes of mood (he’s a ‘nice man’ on page 30, he becomes ‘a bastard’ on page 31 – without any clear reason for the change) and her self-indulgent depressive episodes simply become irritating after a while. It’s difficult to see why she would persevere in the relationship with Rahim when it so obviously offers her no hope of fulfilment. (And I know that you offer up a vision of enduring contentment for them at the end, but I don’t find it convincing).
The narrative meanders around for the most part exploring Rahim’s zealous adherence to Sufi teachings, but without any strong storyline to hold it together. The flashpoint of Rahim’s escape from the Russians is belatedly presented near the end, but it’s too late to have much effect on the overall strength of the script. There are too many unexplained episodes which don’t seem to knit into the fabric of the main narrative. For instance, Beth’s brief flashback to her ex-husband Ram. He is portrayed as such a sadistic monster that he’s almost farcical – and then we never see him again! And what happened to the unborn baby? Likewise, Beth’s father is suddenly thrust into the story near the end, simply as a plot device to create tension between Beth and Rahim. But he never appears in the main story, therefore the audience have no emotional attachment to him and therefore can’t really empathise with Beth’s love for her father in the way you want them to.
Also, it’s perhaps rather an esoteric point to make, but I feel that in the culminating strife between Rahim and Beth – the argument over Christmas – you’re manipulating cause and effect in order to get where you want to be. You want to demonstrate that Rahim’s hatred of Christianity is rooted in the brutal events on a bygone Christmas day in his home country. But the Russians aren’t marching into the village under the flag of Christianity; in fact, they represent a Communist regime. The fact that it happens on December 25 is sheer coincidence. If they marched in singing ‘Onward Christian Soldiers’ I could go along with it, but as it stands it seems a bit contrived.
Most of the criticisms I made in my review of ‘Reza’s Studio’ apply equally here, so I won’t repeat them all, but they include the points I made about internal structure, formatting, use of CONTINUOUS, dialogue and subtitles, spelling and punctuation.
Other reading notes:
6 Russian stand on my Sarod.
You probably need some explanation of what a sarod is.
6 Oh my god! I remember! … A magazine, the LOOK!
Confusing timeline. ‘Look’ magazine folded in 1971. This story is set in 1980.
8 Dari is spoken, with English subtitles.
If you’re using subtitles, then it doesn’t make sense to write the dialogue in the stilted English style which we’ve heard from Rahim so far. They would just be speaking naturally in their native Dari, and the dialogue should follow the same style. So instead of:
‘You will take no rifles. You are a simple man. Going to wedding when the Russian come.’
you might have something like:
‘Don’t take rifles. When the Russians come, they’ll think you’re just a simple wedding guest.’
11 The door slams open, RAM is home.
The name is too similar to RAHIM.
24 TEEN on a bike enters scene…
A very weak way to describe the incident. Try:
“Suddenly a teenage cyclist wobbles across their path…” or
“A SQUEAL of brakes as a boy on a bike appears from nowhere…”
31 Yes, bank Joe……. This here’s why I work so hard to keep those bank floors shiny.
This is a classic case of show, don’t tell. It would be much more effective if we’d already met Joe (this is his first appearance) and seen him sweeping floors in a bank.
39 I’m taping Carousal…
Do you mean "Carousel”? - June Is Bustin' Out All Over, - You'll Never Walk Alone and all that?
60 We talked about living together,
Did they? You can’t just make reference to previous dialogue which the audience hasn’t heard; you need to include it somewhere.
61 You have job…
Does she have a job? I don’t think it ever surfaces in the story – apologies if I missed it.
61 Well, my Iranian friend offered $3,000 to marry so he could get legal.
What friend? This is a completely new plot twist.
66 The sex scene – it can’t be called lovemaking – is startling in its tawdriness.
78 But I thought…we talked about buying land.
When did they talk about it? I missed it.
81 Cousin MIRIAM is tall,
Same name as Rahim’s mother. Confusing.
89 KHALID, 30, eats flat bread,
Presumably this is a different Khalid from the one we’ve already met? Again, confusing nomenclature. And because we have no emotional investment in Khalid (we’ve never met him before) his death doesn’t have the impact it should do.
99 Inside: an ornate gold pin with an emerald.
Again, a pay-off with no setup. The audience hasn’t seen this object.
Spelling, punctuation, etc (first 10 pages)…
1 …remain close to the gate so you can hear…
4 A STEWARD demonstrates the opening…
6 Russian stand on my sarod.
6 My beautiful instrument, dead.
6 American lady help me. MULT.
7 Frightened, they try to see… Lots of commas missing in the script. MULT.
7 …I still don’t understand!
8 KABUL, AFGHANISTAN
9 Wife, MIRIAM, 60s, attractive, sews something…
9 …a heavy wool-lined coat.
9 Miriam finishes, hands the heavy coat…
9 We die, doesn’t matter.
10 …all hover. ???
15 …take American lady for teacher. MULT.
22 I’m used to being… MULT.
Sorry if these notes seem overly negative, Magi, but I think possibly you should focus your efforts on ‘Reza’ rather than on this one which seems inferior by comparison. Whatever you decide, best of luck with it. read
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