Other Reviews by atlhalfjap 49

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  Made me cry...
  A review of Boot Camp
  by atlhalfjap on 01/27/2012
  There's not much I can give you in the way of constructive criticism, the story is powerful, (especially for those who have had to euthanize a beloved animal) and one can feel the love and trust the characters have for each other. The idea that the cat is plotting his next move rings true with me because I have cats and I swear they know exactly what they are doing at all... There's not much I can give you in the way of constructive criticism, the story is powerful, (especially for those who have had to euthanize a beloved animal) and one can feel the love and trust the characters have for each other. The idea that the cat is plotting his next move rings true with me because I have cats and I swear they know exactly what they are doing at all times. In fact I had a cat once who chewed off every single frond off a large plant that had been given to me as a birthday present and when I got him from work was laying across it with a "Hey, look what I did! Ain't this great?!" look. I even did the whole "can't be on the bed" thing, and like your character... it was a futile effort.
  
  You did a great job of presenting the love and connection the characters shared, I could feel the love between them. The only thing I might have wanted more clarity on was the reason for Boots not feeling well, its unclear if he's simply old (you mentioned ten years, but most cats live longer than that) or if he's got some sort of illness that the vet can't cure.
  
  By the way, in one sentence you have "Boot" instead of "Boots".
  
  read
• 
  A Father's story
  A review of Labor's Day
  by atlhalfjap on 09/09/2011
  While it is obvious that you love your Mother and your Father and the story was neatly tied up with "Pete" being a union man throughout I couldn't love this story as written. I was a bit jarred when you switched from the first person to the third, going from "my father" to "Pete" was noticeable and pulled me out of your story. Please remember that while YOU know who "Pete"... While it is obvious that you love your Mother and your Father and the story was neatly tied up with "Pete" being a union man throughout I couldn't love this story as written. I was a bit jarred when you switched from the first person to the third, going from "my father" to "Pete" was noticeable and pulled me out of your story.
  
  Please remember that while YOU know who "Pete" and "Kathleen" are (were), the reader usually does not and it would be effective if you were to introduce your Father in a way similar to how you introduced your Mother. Also, while I got your Father's ambition, and his wandering ways, I had no visual image of him.
  
  Physical descriptions might help to fix your Father more firmly in the reader's mind... if you don't want to do a basic hair, eyes, body types description; something along the lines of "Dad was tall, taller than any other man I was familiar with, I'll never forget how long it took for my four year old eyes to climb up his dress uniform, a long almost never ending tower of starched and crisply pressed Navy White." (that's my Dad btw)
  
  I liked that you illuminated your Father's drive to improve himself, and thus provide for his family, but I never got a sense that he was doing all that work for some reason besides himself. Was it the love of his family? Or hatred of "management"? If he hated management, what was the catalyst for that hate? Basically, the only thing I know about your Dad is that he was married to your Mother, no longer wanted to be a sharecropper and figured out how to stop doing that... but I never got any idea of WHY he did it. Did he hate being a sharecropper? Did he love your Mother, and you, so much that he HAD to figure out a way to climb out of the poverty he was seemingly destined for? Did he have a huge blow out with his too stern father in law? I don't know any of that. I'd like to know at least some of that. :)
  
  Overall, I think you have the beginnings of an interesting story, but I think you need to delve into the WHY of your father's story. not just the HOW. We all want to know what drives someone to push themselves as hard as he did. Something we can recognize in ourselves, some feeling that we understand, instantly. If you can create a man we understand, even if we don't like his philandering ways, your story will have the richness and depth that I think it deserves. read
• 
  Pretty good war story
  A review of THE SURVIVAL INSTINCT
  by atlhalfjap on 10/04/2004
  I enjoyed this a great deal. It was a very fast read, and I only have a few very minor quibbles with it. The first one is Eileen's name, it reminds me too much of Lousia May Alcott from Little women, its the first thing that jumped into my head. If this is not what you had intended, maybe you could lose the "May"? That would certainly take away the reference. On page 106,... I enjoyed this a great deal. It was a very fast read, and I only have a few very minor quibbles with it. The first one is Eileen's name, it reminds me too much of Lousia May Alcott from Little women, its the first thing that jumped into my head. If this is not what you had intended, maybe you could lose the "May"? That would certainly take away the reference. On page 106, the sentence about Eileen's appearance doesn't make sense, "all present"? Huh? Also, there very a couple of clunky descriptions, such as "small town handsome" I'm having a hard time picturing that, as well as "decorated like the midwest." Like I said, those are VERY minor quibbles. All in all, I think this is a great SP. read