I thought this was well done over all. It was a fast read and I was charmed by Micheal although I wasn't surprised by his actions. Evelyn makes for a sympahteic character but I was a bit put off that she MIGHT have slept with Conrad. Having her sink to Micheal's level didn't seem in line with her character. Your charcters are distinct and the dialogue is snappy. You asked for an opinion on the "not sleeping with her" insistance that producers and the like are making. It makes sense in that while this is a likeable enough story, it's really nothing original. It's formulaic in the boy has a girl, meets another one, can't resist her and screws up the first realtionship only to discover he REALLY loves the one he originally had. Yes, it's funny in places, and its different in that it's about black characters but no, it's not original. Perhaps the whole he didn't really sleep with her but gets blamed for it anyway take is their way of asking for something different. if you decide to pursue the new "didn't sleep with her" angle that will mean a massive rewrite. I guess the question is: Is it worth it to you? Only you can judge that. Best of luck with it.
Now, for the nits...
On page 6, there's an "Con'td" for Bonnie in the middle of the page.
On page 9, hinky" should be "hinkey", and it's "champagne" not champaign.
On page 48, Micheal has an extra "con'td"
On page 76 Micheal has a veritable plethora of cont'ds.
Again, I enjoyed the read, best of luck with it.
Review of: The New Thirty
reviewed by atlhalfjap on 07/13/2005
Other Reviews by atlhalfjap 49
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