This story is hard to follow. It may help to take out all those dotted lines. The regular space between paragraphs works fine. This piece jumps from scene to scene too quickly. There's some good writing here, but the story starts off with a character that isn't likeable. He doesn't grow much in the story and ends up just as unlikeable in the end. That makes it difficult to enjoy the story.
It would help to have a character with some redeeming characteristics. Maybe show why he hates everyone and is so manipulative. What made him so self-centered and angry? If I knew why he is this way, it might enable me to care more for him and the story. Here are just a few notes I made while reading.
P1 “Outside the faint din of the resteraunt's band could be heard.” restaurant
P1”He was an intellectually prodigy yet if one were to look at his grades they would see nothing more than failure.” Intellectual is the correct spelling and you may want a comma after prodigy.
P2 “...by the fact that she had had sex...” by the fact that she had sex
P2 “The party that most of the junior class (the ones with any say in anything that is) was at the home of a football player who none to liked the boy, in fact, one could say that he loathed him.” Read the sentence again without the words in parenthesis. “The party that most of the junior class was at the home of a football player who none liked the boy, in fact, one could say that he loathed him.” This sentence needs some help.
Good luck with this.
Review of: Wonderland
reviewed by Suesea on 08/15/2010
Other Reviews by Suesea 171
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