Churchly Challenges
I really struggled to see the point of your short story. There is nothing wrong with it, however, it was mundane reading four pages of someone’s inter-thoughts while at church. The character's own demons; his perspective on life and that of the other church goers attending mass. We all have these thoughts. In church, work, or whatever and there was nothing juicy about it.
I know your work is dear and close to your heart, but it did not have any entertainment value with me. The fact, that the main character hates germs, did not lent any uniqueness to him, however, you piece is well-written. The synopsis implies it is eight pages long, when it is only four. Lastly, I would put it is written by on the first page and the word count if you chose to do a rewrite. All the best with you writing.
Other Reviews by covofdark
96
-
Good effort. I really enjoy bank capers. “Three Strikes” needs work but what SP doesn't? Here are my thoughts and notes.
Drawbacks with the script. Characters are one-dimensional. A character background can make it easier for you to write dialogue and understand your character’s actions. Describe your character’s physical characteristics, desires and goals, strengths and...
Good effort. I really enjoy bank capers. “Three Strikes” needs work but what SP doesn't? Here are my thoughts and notes.
Drawbacks with the script. Characters are one-dimensional. A character background can make it easier for you to write dialogue and understand your character’s actions. Describe your character’s physical characteristics, desires and goals, strengths and virtues, and faults and weaknesses: Write a character arc by answering what your character will learn in the course of the story. At the end, I provided a CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE you may find useful with character development and story arc.
Stilted dialogue. Consider having some friends read the characters’ lines out-loud. As it stands, the dialogue comes off stilted and inappropriate in many instances.
Your first page shows promise but familiar. Missing FADE IN: it belongs flushed left. Ralph McCann lacks description (an essential character). Incorrect slugs.
Keep this in mind with your MASTER SCENE HEADING/SLUGLINE is made up of three parts.
Part one states if the scene is set inside (interior) or outside (exterior). The abbreviations INT. and EXT. are used. A period always follows each abbreviation.
Sometimes the action may move from interior to exterior several times within a scene. In the interest of brevity, the writer may choose to use INT./EXT. or EXT./INT.
Part two states the location of the scene, such as JERRY'S APARTMENT, JANE'S CAR, or RESTROOM. If the location needs to be more specific, then a space hyphen space can occur, followed by the more specific place. For example: SARAH'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN. Finally another space hyphen space separates part two from part three.
Part three refers to the time of the scene. Day or Night are normally used, but Dusk, Dawn, Late Night, Early Morning and others can be used if necessary. For example, if a particular scene requires a sunrise, Dawn can be used.
Pg. 1
EXT. STREET MORNING
A tan VOLVO turns the corner and slows, signaling as it pulls into a small parking lot.
P.O.V. BINOCULARS
Unseen eyes track the progress of the vehicle.
EXT. PARKING LOT - MORNING
The car pulls into a parking spot at the back of the lot. RALPH McCANN climbs out, dragging a large briefcase with him. Locking the car behind him, he sets the alarm with a loud BEEP.
P.O.V. BINOCULARS
VOICE (O.S.)
He's out of the car.
EXT. PARKING LOT
Ralph presses his thinning hair into place as he walks towards the front door of the bank he has managed for ten years.
The best character introductions tend to include both a sense of what you see (the character’s physical appearance) and an intriguing tidbit about their personality and/or situation.
You don’t have to give an age range, but it’s common. You don’t have to say the character is good-looking, but if it’s your hero, that’s not a bad idea. While many actors want to play “ordinary people,” they prefer playing “quirkily good-looking” ordinary people. In other cases, the appearance of a character isn’t as much of a concern.
Inadequate description of Ralph, considering he’s around some time and integral to your first act. Additionally, Not once is he addressed, as Ralph, Ralph McCann or Mr. McCann in your SP. How’s the audience ever going to know who he is? Check elsewhere.
Approaching the side door, Ralph pulls out a large ring of keys and selects one.
P.O.V. BINOCULARS
VOICE (O.S.)
He's at the door.
The eyes watch as Ralph unlocks the door and enters.
VOICE (CONT'D)
He's in. Count to ten. I'm out of here.
INT. BANK MORNING
Ralph walks quickly over to a keypad mounted on the wall and punches in a code. A quiet BEEPING is followed by a flashing red light switching to green. Ralph turns and finds himself staring down a double-barreled shotgun. A tall figure, clad entirely in black, stares through a Balaclava at Ralph.
JOHN
Morning. Please move slowly.
Ralph stares in shock.
END OF PAGE ONE
I see page one differently, it doesn’t mean I’m correct. Use what’s helpful.
FADE IN:
EXT. DOWNTOWN - STREET CORNER - DAY
A tan VOLVO comes into view. Signal left.
P.O.V. BINOCULARS
Unseen eyes track the Volvo.
EXT./INT. VOLVO, MOVING – CONTINUOUS
Behind the wheel, a sloppy dressed middle-aged man. Pulls into--
EXT. MIDLAND SAVINGS BANK - PARKING LOT
Drives to the end. Parks.
The driver takes a moment to press his thinning hair in the rearview mirror. Smirks.
He emerges from the car with a large briefcase. Disheveled, adjusts a Midland Bank name-tag above the breast pocket.
[Super:] or It reads: RALPH McCANN, Branch Manager.
P.O.V. BINOCULARS
MALE VOICE (O.S.)
He's out of the car.
Ralph punches the car alarm. CHIRP. He treads for the side door of the bank.
P.O.V. BINOCULARS
MALE VOICE (O.S.)
He's at the door.
Ralph fumbles with a large ring of keys. At last, unlocks door and pushes in.
MALE VOICE (O.S.)
He's in. Go.
INT. MIDLAND SAVINGS BANK
Ralph moves prompt to the bank’s alarm keypad. Punches in code. Red LED lights flashes. Four low beeps follow. Waits.
A green light with a long beep puts a grin on his mug. With pep in his step, twirls backwards. He’s eyes grow wide as saucers. A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN leveled at his forehead.
Face-to-face with a tall figure clad in black. This is JOHN, (30s). A balaclava covers his face. Piecing eyes gaze through. Cool as a cucumber.
Using THIS IS to introduce a character should be your only exception. Otherwise, avoid THIS and IS.
JOHN
At Seven forty-five this morning, you put little Ralphie on the school bus for Midland Elementary. Is that correct?
Taken aback, Ralph swallows hard. Nods yes.
JOHN
And you dropped off your lovely wife Mary at Abby’s Dental… how am doing so far?
Ralph’s face drains of color. Mutters…
RALPH
Please mister, I won’t give you any trouble.
John’s gaze reallocate to the vault; shifts the shotgun towards it.
JOHN
Move.
END OF PAGE ONE
What you should consider in your rewrite. become familiar police procedural. It's not evident here nor is the cops' dialogue believable. The getaway requires - suspension of disbelief I couldn't muster.
Tips.
As you begin your story. Your hero tries to reach a goal but finds obstacles (inner and outer). Your opening must draw the audience onto the setting of your story, reveal the everyday life of your hero, and must establish empathy with your hero by making him or her sympathetic, threatened, likable, funny and/or powerful. This is also the stage where we see your hero living in her emotionally protected (but unfulfilled) identity or persona. The key methods of establishing this psychological connection between reader and hero are: sympathy (makes her a victim of under-deserved misfortune); jeopardy (put him or her in danger of losing something of vital importance); likeability (show him or her being good to, or well liked by, other characters); humor (make him or her funny); or powerful (outstanding at whatever he or she is doing).
Outer motivation. Give your hero a clearly defined finish line to cross at the climax of the film. Your hero must begin pursuing this outer motivation at the end of Act 1—one fourth of the way into your screenplay.
Build the foundation. Almost every screenplay has the following critical scenes: 1. Introduction of Hero—often with dramatic flair and in a crisis. 2. Turn of Events—a critical plot point occurs whereas Hero’s life changes. 3. Start of Journey—Hero travels down path toward a recognized goal. Crisis Moment—major obstacle blocks Hero’s journey and Hero considers quitting. 5 Goal in Sight—Hero hasn’t achieved goal but realizes major obstacles are surpassed.
By ‘tasting death’ a character realizes what is worth fighting for. Yes, one’s initial goal may change.
The opportunity. Ten percent of way into your screenplay, your hero must be presented with an Opportunity to enter some new situation. This often moves the story to a new location, and will begin moving the story forward as he tries to figure out what’s going on.
The 10-page dash. Your first 10 (or so) pages should do the following: Make the Genre obvious. Introduce your Hero, and Grab the reader’s interest with a crisis. Toward the end of these pages, an event should occur that redirects the Hero’s life.
Act two is filled with increasing complicated barriers to your character's goals.
Act two can be over half your screenplay, therefore, think of it as the battleground that tests the conviction and resourcefulness of your characters. True character is revealed by action when faced with the situation at hand. By raising the stakes, building levels of conflict, and making it difficult for the character, we learn how far he or she will go.
Goals can change. Does your character’s goal become more significant in Act II? The character faces opposition and confronts death whether physical or emotional.
Understand act three. Three resolves outstanding complications and your Hero completes his journey.
The plot. Did your hero’s pursuit of the initial goal reveal a different, more significant goal?
You really need to strengthen your action/exposition. Chase down these words in any form you find them. Losing them or changing them will strengthen your work. Whatever you write, will be tighter and clearer about 90% of the time.
IS
He is grinning… becomes… He grins.
ARE
The convicts are singing opera… The convicts sing opera.
THE
Nacho hightails it out of the town… Nacho hightails it out of town.
THAT
Ralph can’t tell that she’s French… Ralph can’t tell she’s French.
THEN
She laughs. She then looks at Alice… She laughs. She looks at Alice.
WALK
Tika walks down the hall… Tika prisses down the hall.
SIT
Sitting at the poker table, Doc deals the cards… At the poker table, Doc deals…
STAND
The surgeon stands at the operating table and works… At the operating table, the surgeon works…
LOOK
Cheryl is looking at Stephanie… Cheryl studies Stephanie.
JUST
I am just totally exhausted… I am totally exhausted.
OF THE
Tom sits by the entrance of the mall… Tom sits by the mall entrance…
BEGIN
The tape begins playing… The tape plays.
START
She starts moving toward the den… She moves toward the den.
REALLY
Betty is really pretty… Betty, hot as a two dollar pistol, struts in.
VERY
The kids sing a very old song… The kids sing a traditional song. (“very” means the following word is weak…)
TURN
She turns and looks at him… She looks at him.
THE PHONE
Bonnie hangs up the phone… Bonnie hangs up.
SOME
He pours some coffee… He pours coffee.
STILL
Kevin, still in paint covered overalls… Kevin, in paint covered overalls.
THE ROOM
He puts on a tie before leaving the room… He puts on a tie before leaving.
HIS FACE
Nora has an amused expression on her face… Nora is amused.
SEEMS, APPEARS
Tony seems upset… Tony is upset… So, is Tony upset, or just appear to be?
HER WAY
Carol pushes her way inside… Carol pushes inside. (“his, its way” too!)
BOTH
They both stare slackjawed at the comet… They stare slackjawed at the comet.
You need to avoid SLOW(LY), QUICK(LY), and SUDDEN(LY) in your SP if possible. Substitute those words with something better without adding ING or LY (as on the end of an adverb) search for them. Use them sparingly. If at all.
A few scenes people speak over the phone. You can use an Intercut.
First, both scenes must be described. Have sluglines and descriptions.
Second, on a new line, write INTERCUT in all caps, followed by an indicator of the two scenes. The whole line is capitalized. The usual method is to write INTERCUT VINNIE AND SOSA, or INTERCUT NIGHTCLUB AND ESTATE, or INTERCUT CONVERSATION. Pick the one that makes the most sense for the scene. When it’s over, type: END INTERCUT
When to Use an Intercut
Intercuts are most commonly used when two characters in different locations are talking on the phone. Two characters chatting over the Internet would also be a good time to use it. If one character is stalking or watching the other, an intercut can help keep the tension of the scene.
However, if there are more than two characters involved, it may become confusing as to where each character is located. Screenwriters should use their best judgment in these cases, or err on the safe side and not use an intercut.
CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE
Fill out this section thoroughly before starting your story. It will focus you on who your character(s) is and suggest ways to breathe life into him or her.
Name:
Age:
Height:
Weight:
Body Type:
Physical Condition (Fit, unfit or something is between?):
Eye Color:
Hair Color and Style:
Distinguishing Features
1.
2.
3.
Physical Imperfections/Would Like Most to Change:
1.
2.
3.
Characteristic Gestures:
1.
2.
3.
Race:
Ethnic Group:
Religion:
Family Background/Lineage:
Years of Schooling:
Major and Minor Studies in College:
1.
2.
3.
Degrees:
Grades Achieved in School:
Special Occupational Training:
Skills, Abilities and Talents:
1.
2.
3.
4.
Areas of Expertise:
1.
2.
3.
Occupation:
Past Occupations:
1.
2.
3.
Military Experience:
Short-Term Goals:
1.
2.
3.
Long-Term Goals:
1.
2.
3.
Short-Term Needs:
1.
2.
3.
Long-Term Needs:
1.
2.
3.
General Personality Type (See Personality Traits Inventory for help):
Introvert/Extrovert:
Quirks:
1.
2.
3.
Eccentricities:
1.
2.
3.
IQ:
Temperament:
Method of Handling Anger or Rage (Repress, throw things, etc.):
Admiration Traits:
1.
2.
3.
4.
Negative traits:
1.
2.
3.
4.
Bad Habits/Vices:
1.
2.
3.
Pet Peeves and Gripes:
1.
2.
3.
Things That Make Uncomfortable or Embarrass:
1.
2.
3.
Most Painful Things in One’s Life:
1.
2.
3.
Ever Been Arrested? (if so, for What?):
1.
2.
3.
Political or Social Issues Most important To You:
1.
2.
3.
4.
Opinion on Abortion:
Opinion on Environmental Issues:
Opinion on Homosexuality:
Opinion on Military Intervention:
Opinion on Progress:
Opinion on Crimes and Gun Control:
Opinions Peculiar to Character:
Political Party:
Liberal, Conservative, Middle of the Road, Radical:
Income:
Sense of Humor (None, dry, understated, witty, slapstick, dirty, etc.):
Fears:
1.
2.
3.
Phobias:
1.
2.
3.
Manias:
1.
2.
3.
Physical Illnesses or Afflictions:
1.
2.
3.
4.
Mental disturbances:
1.
2.
3.
Hobbies:
1.
2.
3.
Sports:
1.
2.
3.
Favorite TV Shows:
1.
2.
3.
Favorite Movies:
1.
2.
3.
Favorite Travel Destination:
Pets:
Drinks Alcohol? (How often?):
Favorite Alcoholic Drink:
Favorite Meal:
Favorite Books:
1.
2.
3.
Diet (Rich, low-fat, low Cholesterol, restaurant, etc.):
Favorite restaurant/Ethnic Food:
Favorite Physical Attributes in Opposite sex:
Attributes About Character That Turn On Opposite Sex:
Sexual Turn-Ons:
1.
2.
3.
Sexual Turn-Offs:
1.
2.
3.
Traumas/Psychological Scars from the Past:
1.
2.
3.
Clothing Styles/Favorite Outfit:
Favorite Pet Sayings, Words/ Idiolect:
1.
2.
3.
Speaking style (Talkative, taciturn, oft-spoken, loud, formal, casual, accent, fast, slow, etc.).
Type and Number of Close Friends:
Best Friend:
Other Friends:
Most Crucial Experience (Or experiences that helped to mold character’s personality or attitude):
Neighborhood:
Car:
Color:
Drive Fast or Slow/Obey Traffic Laws:
Major Problems to Solve or Overcome:
1.
2.
3.
Solutions to Problems:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
Character Growth (by the end of the story)/Character Change/
Lessons Learned:
Chronology of Actions (From Start of story to End):
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
15.
16.
17.
Also, you may want to check out -
The Take (2007)
After he's shot during a heist in East L.A., an armored truck driver wrestles with rehabilitation and tracking down the man who committed the crime.
Transit (2012)
The camping trip was meant to reunite the Sidwell family. When they are hunted and terrorized by violent bank robbers, their very survival will depend on working together.
The 25 Habits of Highly Successful w r i t e r s - Insider secrets from top screenwriters and novelists by Karl Iglesias and Andrew Mcaleer: http://www.rochestermoviemakers.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/25-habits-of-highly-successful-writers.pdf
Keep Writing! Best wishes.
read
-
Hey Nicholas,
Overall.
THE OPENING: you introduced the protagonists, Annie and her father Randolph (an Oregon sheriff 1882) in a family crisis left deliberately vague. Annie is sent away to a London orphanage. So begins her journey—works adequately to draw sympathy/empathy and build a foundation.
She’s given no choice in the matter, however, we learn through flashback...
Hey Nicholas,
Overall.
THE OPENING: you introduced the protagonists, Annie and her father Randolph (an Oregon sheriff 1882) in a family crisis left deliberately vague. Annie is sent away to a London orphanage. So begins her journey—works adequately to draw sympathy/empathy and build a foundation.
She’s given no choice in the matter, however, we learn through flashback much later - why? And only then, it makes sense; validates the ending and ties-in nicely. You fool the audience more than once. By audacious red herrings, otherwise, the plot’s exceptional twist based on the real-life events of “Jack the Ripper” wouldn’t work. A great spin on it by the way, but you’ll have to wait awhile for the payoff.
THE MIDDLE: Eight years later, Annie returns home. Heinous murders begin to occur. By raising the stakes, building levels of conflict, and making it difficult for the character, we learn how far Annie will go. As her father, the sheriff in their pursuit to uncover the identity of the killer—determined to bring him to justice at the end of a hangman’s rope.
Along the way, Annie who’s handy with a pistol, defeats an attempted rape. And skillfully navigates right pass unsavory characters in her mist. The pacing is a bit slow and could be improved. To make certain a scene contains the right pacing for the emotion you’re trying to elicit, begin a new paragraph every time you envision a cut (a new camera shot), An action scene, with lots of cuts, will then consist of many short paragraphs, making it a very fast read. Slower paced scenes will have longer paragraphs and fewer cuts.
THE ENDING: The pacing picks up considerably and excitement builds. This is where your SP shines. At the end of Act 2—A major setback occurs to Annie. She goes missing and the worst is feared. In captivity, it seems all is lost. The conflict between her and Christopher appears to be insurmountable. This is where her deceit is revealed. At this point, you’re unsure of anyone’s true character.
To your horror, you discover that no one is what he or she appears to be. Christopher (one of several antagonists) will leave you speechless. You will come to question whether or not he’s doing God’s work, as well as, your own belief system. You’re left guessing right up to the very end.
Use what’s helpful, and disregard the rest.
The following is a general idea of what’s not working, too numerous to point out where it takes place throughout your SP.
You rely heavily on the same active words in your action/exposition to describe a person’s actions—time and again. LOOKS, SITS, STANDS, SMILES, etc.—doesn’t inspire vivid imagery. On a finer note, your initial description of people’s physical characteristics, places, and objects were well done.
Your writing flips from active to passive and vice ‘a’ versa. When you can, fragment your sentences to avoid this by eliminating AND, THEN, THEY etc. Look for the words in your SP ending in ED, ING, and LY. Most of them can be removed.
Some dialogue is a bit long-winded. And conveys information best learned by the characters’ actions instead.
Your SP could be a hard read for many. A script for sell should be kept as clean as possible; eliminate all distraction that interrupts the flow of the read. I would consider deleting the transition Jump To: flushed right (found about a dozen times).
You went overboard with Upper Capps, Italics, and Bold when it wasn’t necessary. This is a hard call, even harder to master when or not it should be used. Using bold in your scene heading/sluglines were okay.
Let the actors interpret their lines. I understand you want to give cues to the actors. Go sparingly with a parenthetical. Furthermore, you used it to relate action/exposition where it doesn’t belong.
You’re going to take some heat for the many flashbacks you used. Most won’t mind one or two, you have to be careful with this.
Lastly, after a master scene heading/slugline, you just can’t go into a character’s dialogue. Put down at least a sentence of action/exposition first.
Good potential, my best wishes.
read
-
For the most part, “Gin, With a Twist” flows rather well. Some bumps along the way—In particular, as it’s being told from the present tense through Bender and the past with Kitt. As we learn the back-story that leads up to Kitt’s death. It reads like a film Noir of the very best kind, in its heyday of the 40s and 50s. There was just enough uniqueness to make your story stand...
For the most part, “Gin, With a Twist” flows rather well. Some bumps along the way—In particular, as it’s being told from the present tense through Bender and the past with Kitt. As we learn the back-story that leads up to Kitt’s death. It reads like a film Noir of the very best kind, in its heyday of the 40s and 50s. There was just enough uniqueness to make your story stand out but not by much.
Nevertheless. I did enjoy very much what I’ve read; however, some conversations were lost on me. Maybe it’s because of an extra or misspelled word here and there. I suspect the writer is from Europe, could be another reason. Furthermore, you did do a good job linking the period of the time and the dialogue. In general, your sentences packed colorful descriptions when they weren’t overly long. There were some. On the whole, vividly told. As I read, I could see it unfolding in my mind’s eye as if I was there to witness it as it happened. You’re a good storyteller and I wish you the best of luck.
read
+ more reviews
