This needs to be read over carefully for a thorough revision. Everything is laid right out there with no subtext to keep the reader engrossed. There are many errors of grammar and punctuation. Dialogue needs work, on content and tag lines.
I made a few notes which I hope will be helpful:
Page 2, "Looking him over he would appear to be your medium build guy." Awkward. Who's looking him over? And shouldn't it be "built"?
Page 3, Your used for you're.
Page 3, "He assessed... Looking around he figures that he was being kept..." Inconsistancy of tenses. He assesses... He figures that he is being kept... He still wears...
Page 3, "Can't remember me, huh," Missing ?
Page 4, "He awoke in complete darkness...disoriented and confused..." How does he know this is the first night? How can
he tell night from day?
Page 4, An abrupt change in POV from Doug to Bruce.
Page 4, "...listening to Doug's screams all day and night..." What day and night? Is this still that "first night'?
Page 5, Your for you're.
Page 6, "Now you're a man." Correct!
Page 13, "So what now, Doug asked?" So what now? Doug asked.
Page 13, "Till you die," he asked?" Till you die? he asked.
Page 14, "Yes well you're job..." Yes(,) well
Page 15, "You're going to be alright." All right.
Review of: Stopping a Killer
reviewed by mnjones on 12/01/2010
Other Reviews by mnjones 381
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