Vengeance explores the classic Western premise of "main character is avenging someone's death." In this story, it is Chuck avenging his fathers. His sidekick Joe is around (with a twist at the end) and he is close with a family that keeps horses. He falls for the daughter in that family.
Your story structure is actually pretty good. The twist at the end is competent. But the devil is in the details of this script.
Somehow you manage to tell a story (with an enormous amount of inherent tension) without including any conflict in any scene. Every back-and-forth plays out very convenient and polite. Way too much "hi, how are you? Good how are you?" Characters uses each other's names way too much in dialog--a totally unrealistic detail.
These characters are quite flat. It was hard for me to glean any backstory other than the stuff with the murdered dad who was in the Civil War.
The Joe twist actually might have worked, but you didn't earn it. He just out of the blue is like "oh yeah, I'm your enemy too." You need to plant seeds for that kind of stuff all through the story.
If you plan on reworking this, make sure you give your scenes and characters some texture. Give everything enough complexity and flaw and conflict that your readers can sink their teeth into. Make your script anything but boring, and you can see through what is really a pretty good premise.
Review of: Vengeance
reviewed by jakenp on 02/07/2012
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