I see where you cleared up a lot of unnecessary nuisances in your screenplay, and on second read, it is an easier trip down the lane of a true story. Good job.
I had almost the same suggestions that you made in the resolution at the end. Somebody must have got to you in a review, and now the ending is much more dramatic and personal. I even invisioned a scene where you stop at a bookstore window and see the book: THEY CALL IT JUSTICE, stacked in a triangle. Like the guy in that great classic western, The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence said: If You don't have the facts, print the legend." I also thought of another scene that might lend drama and conflict to your story: Maybe show the editior and your dad cleaning out their desk after being fired, but leaving with only their dignity in tack. Maybe a VO here? Just a thought. Keep on polishing and improving. It's a long road trip but the destination is worth the gas.
Review of: Passaic (Revision)
reviewed by dleonetti on 01/10/2008
Other Reviews by dleonetti 178
A review of Nevada Low Ballby dleonetti on 07/25/2009I love stories about the American Southwest. So I will enjoy a good romp in my own backyard. I enjoyed this story, and it was a quick read with good character development and plot. I don’t have much to offer in critism other than the fact that the frequent chapter breaks and flashbacks seemed to really slow down the pace of your story. I just watched Soderberg’s The Limey the... read
A review of The Pirate Treeby dleonetti on 07/05/2009The Pirate Tree has an intriguing concept, and a good feel for a family film. It’s formulistic, but that is fine for a genre that you are shooting for. . .A boy loses his famous daredevil father, and is afraid of heights, but he beats the odds to climb his own beanstalk to self discovery. I think you need more conflict in Act I. I know you are working on character and mood,... read
A review of Frat Boys from Outer Spaceby dleonetti on 06/14/2009It’s a cool concept: Aliens crash land in Boulder, as if we didn’t have enough of them walking around already and thinking with their tentacles. I found this a strange write for you, Bob, and assume you did it on a lark. I must say that I was slightly disappointed. Though the story had some laugh out loud moments, I found the script lacking. You might want to infuse more humor... read