Other Reviews by dleonetti 178

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  Dead man's hand
  A review of Nevada Low Ball
  by dleonetti on 07/25/2009
  I love stories about the American Southwest. So I will enjoy a good romp in my own backyard. I enjoyed this story, and it was a quick read with good character development and plot. I don’t have much to offer in critism other than the fact that the frequent chapter breaks and flashbacks seemed to really slow down the pace of your story. I just watched Soderberg’s The Limey the... I love stories about the American Southwest. So I will enjoy a good romp in my own backyard. I enjoyed this story, and it was a quick read with good character development and plot. I don’t have much to offer in critism other than the fact that the frequent chapter breaks and flashbacks seemed to really slow down the pace of your story. I just watched Soderberg’s The Limey the other night and he used similar technique, and I also found them distracting. This is a personal opinion but I would do away with most of them. I think if you use a straighforth linear approach the story would benefit greatly. I also had a problem looking a protagonist in Act I: later I see it is Wes. Perhaps you could give Wes more development in Act I?
  Otherwise, I enjoyed the read and you certainly have a clean crisp style. I think with a little work this could be in the same level as Red Rock West.
  
  
  TYPOS:
  
  Page 12—bag of weed form (from)
  Page 19—WES: Your (You’re) an idiot.
  Page 20—(Roles (Rolls) his eyes)
  Page 87—spits out his cigar (in) disgust read
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  Out of sight, out of mind
  A review of The Pirate Tree
  by dleonetti on 07/05/2009
  The Pirate Tree has an intriguing concept, and a good feel for a family film. It’s formulistic, but that is fine for a genre that you are shooting for. . .A boy loses his famous daredevil father, and is afraid of heights, but he beats the odds to climb his own beanstalk to self discovery. I think you need more conflict in Act I. I know you are working on character and mood,... The Pirate Tree has an intriguing concept, and a good feel for a family film. It’s formulistic, but that is fine for a genre that you are shooting for. . .A boy loses his famous daredevil father, and is afraid of heights, but he beats the odds to climb his own beanstalk to self discovery. I think you need more conflict in Act I. I know you are working on character and mood, but Act I lacks some spice and everything mean. I thought that you could perhaps show his father’s dramatic trick in the beginning as a good hook, and then we even have a deeper understanding of grieving mom and son. This solves two problems: a lack of a hook and early conflict. Page 54—I would do away with the wave and leave the mysterious figure play along in your audience’s mind. Good or evil? Father or demon? The wave seemed to take the edge off. Show some spooky scenes inside the pirate ship without revealing Ike. Play with our minds. . .entice us.
  
  All this said, there is a lot to like in Act II and III. You develop the conflict we yearn for in Act I. The backstory of Dane and Edna works fine, and I like how the media is used in a black way. The figure inside the pirate ship was another good stroke. It caught me off guard. I think with a few strokes of rewrite you have a marketable screenplay, and that is a heck of an accomplishment! Good Joe. It was a fun read. I hope you sell this story.
  
  TYPOS:
  
  Page 4—she pushes her (omit her) back her hat.
  Page 12—MISS CALLAWAY should be in caps on introduction
  Page 43—Dane demonstrates how (to) lay. . .
  Page 52—Air Force has no paratroopers. Make it Army or Navy Seals.
  read
• 
  Boner: ureatic disposal canal.
  A review of Frat Boys from Outer Space
  by dleonetti on 06/14/2009
  It’s a cool concept: Aliens crash land in Boulder, as if we didn’t have enough of them walking around already and thinking with their tentacles. I found this a strange write for you, Bob, and assume you did it on a lark. I must say that I was slightly disappointed. Though the story had some laugh out loud moments, I found the script lacking. You might want to infuse more humor... It’s a cool concept: Aliens crash land in Boulder, as if we didn’t have enough of them walking around already and thinking with their tentacles. I found this a strange write for you, Bob, and assume you did it on a lark. I must say that I was slightly disappointed. Though the story had some laugh out loud moments, I found the script lacking. You might want to infuse more humor into the story. Perhaps have Gorgonzol and Ricohta grapple with changing their looks from human to alien form for more humorous situations. Have a deer hunter find the space cruiser and the government confiscates it, and the boys have to steal it back. This would add some conflict. Maybe have Norad play a role in the hunt for the cruiser. (I did a screenplay something in this manner) Maybe some CIA nosing around Boulder, etc. Maybe more outrageous: Frat boys recruited as water boys for the football team and serve beer instead of water to intoxicate everyone. Just some weird thoughts on my part. Everything you attempt you do quite well, so I know you can put this is ship-shape. Frat Boys does have a lot of potential. I think it needs to be fine-tuned a bit with more humor and conflict.
  
  TYPOS:
  
  Page 2—CHEEADAR: And while were (we’re) gone
  Page 36—Chloe growls at the receiver as (add she). . .Chloe turns around to see the (omit the)
  Page 68—He uses (omit uses) pops. . .
  
  read