I did not read the first draft but I can't imagine you needing much more than a few little tweaks on this 2nd rev.--although I'm not sure I can point much out to you to change.
These characters lived and breathed for me. You seem to be a very accomplished writer and your scene and action descriptions were so concise and perfect every place and movement bloomed in my mind as though I were watching the movie.
I was so interested and invested in the characters that I stopped mid-read to google The Replacements, a band I had never heard of.(insert blush here) I even looked at where they stood in the current Rolling Stone ratings of the top 500 albums of all time -- they rank at #239...
In order to be somewhat helpful here I will say that because you mentioned the back and forth time line in the production notes I tried to imagine how it might translate to an audience. I had the benefit of the dates on scene heading but you were not consistent with the SUPERS which would indicated a time change to an audience. I figured maybe clothing, location and appearance could clue the audience as to whether it was a flashback or jump forward and 99% of the time I think it worked but I'm not totally convinced you need quite so many, especially at about the midpoint.
i.e - Jimmy is in the Uptown bar with Bob then you have a scene heading of Japanese Club 1988 on page 45 where Jimmy has long hair and cool clothes
then back in the Uptown bar and it's obvious we resume the narrative but for spec script purpose maybe you need a FLASHBACK and BACK TO SCENE to handle that little change.
then on p 47 (1986) Jimmy catches Maddy with the skinny guy so he screws Nokiko in the uptown
then p50 (1995) back to Uptown with Bob
then p51 it's 1986.
Don't get me wrong, I was able to follow, with a little flipping back and forth but I was trying to see it as an audience might
His appearance in 1986 and 1988 is probably not that different so without specifying the date I guess the audience would just assume it's the same year. Also since he's with an Asian girl in The Uptown and then goes to Japan and is with Japanese girls it might become muddled to your audience just where he is since they won't have the benefit of the scene heading?
Oh, on page 54 you wrote Bob wads up the paper and tosses it and I believe it should be Jimmy.
As far as structure goes you handle the set-up brilliantly. I am amazed at all you accomplish in the first 14 pages.Then by page 31 you break us into ACT II when Jimmy's Dad dies and the line 'you were the wrong kind of drunk' which in one short sentence spoke volumes about the story!Then you wrap it all up in a totally believable way.
Oh, just one nit pick--Somewhere after Jimmy steals the money to meet Bob at the Uptown and he's a no-show Jimmy calls Bob a 'wanker'. It was the only odd note dialog -wise for me(sorry I forgot to write the page down but it's the only time he uses the word)It's such a British word and sounded off for a boy from Minnesota.
So, I guess that's about it, except to emphasize that I loved this story! Can't wait to see it on the big screen!
Thanks for the great time!
Review of: Close Your Eyes And Floor It - 2nd Draft
reviewed by stephjones on 09/05/2010
Other Reviews by stephjones 73
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