Cody Dumas review
To begin, I found your script to be wonderfully entertaining. It was bright and quick and I never felt like I was reading multiple movies. You had a great sense of what "Demon Hustler." With that being said I believe there is more room to explore Cody. I would have liked to have seen a little more of the con-man in the beginning. Seeing more of Cody's redeemable qualities would have made his switch a lot more clear.
Heroes and villains can be very similar and in this story it would have been exciting to see the half demon side of Cody. Maybe moments where he needs to be restrained because he is unable to control himself in certain situations I.e. Odyssius and the sirens.
From the page, I was a little concerned that the end came too easy. Upon re-reading I was wrong. You did a fantastic job crafting a finale in which a ballet of flaws saves the day without it feeling coincidental or trite for that matter.
All in all you created a story that combined wit with action and you did it well. I would say don't be afraid to explore the wonderful world and characters you created. Your natural pacing works well for your benefit. Take advantage of that to explore your depths.
Last but not least, it was fun and at the end of the day that's why we all do this. Never lose sight of that!
Other Reviews by BSKling
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I have to say that I found "Hard Time Harvey" to be one of the moreau enjoyable scripts I've read on trigger street. Although I haven't reviewed a lot of them, I have read a lot. I would like to be picky with my notes as I believe your script is In a great place to get picky. I wish to preface my notes by saying they are just that... my notes. Take them for what they are, one...
I have to say that I found "Hard Time Harvey" to be one of the moreau enjoyable scripts I've read on trigger street. Although I haven't reviewed a lot of them, I have read a lot. I would like to be picky with my notes as I believe your script is In a great place to get picky. I wish to preface my notes by saying they are just that... my notes. Take them for what they are, one persons opinion, and do not let them get in the way of the story you wish to tell.
My first note is an overall note. I wanted Harvey to read with a little more likability. I felt as though he was jaded for a majority of the entire piece, quite deep into the second act. Even though I sided with his point of view, I didn't always sympathize with him. I would like to see him try to find a positive or do something for someone else earlier in the script, something that puts me on his side.
Okay, nitpicky...
Pg 4 "I would rather eat your toupee." I would end the scene after this line. The other two lines feel like forced humor.
Pg 7 Instead of finding the bags outside, I would try the scene with the parents waiting inside with his stuff ready to send him off. If you like the image of the bags outside, have Harvey give mention of them being outside. Put a little more fight in Harvey.
Pg 9 Excellent Tyrel character introduction!
Pg 18 Kevin gives a line about cereal milk and oranges and the class laughs. Harvey ignores it and moves on. I would like to see him go to bat for Kevin. This would be a great opportunity to stick up for an underdog.
Pg 28-29/30 I would try the scene with the clerk and crack whore interrupting during the teddy bear and removing the first dream. There's a dream sequence later on and it feels like an easy device to use it more than once. It would also help with the pacing and make the stakes higher.
Pg 37 Instead of Eugene biting his lip, what if he sucked his finger where she burned it?
Pg 43 Harvey says, "Them?! Texie?! It's absurd!" this feels like character emotion that the actor should be able to convey. I would leave it at Texie and let the actors take care of the moment.
Pg 54 I'm not sure, in front of the group of girls, if Marisol would say, "What? He's the sweetest guy."
Pg 68 Harvey's dong line feels disrespectful to Marisol in the room. If its going to be included it needs to be funny enough to make her laugh. See if instead of a joke, Harvey stands up for Marisol or tries to convince Tex she's telling the truth.
Pg 75-77 Goth Boy is the highlight of the humor. I absolutely loved his character. Thank you for the amazing laughs!
Again, I really enjoyed your script and thought it had a lot of wonderful characters. The story was clear and I saw a clear path all the way through. I wish nothing but the best for you and your story and I thank you for sharing it with the Trigger Street community so I would have the chance to read it!
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There are a lot of wonderful things going on in your script. In fact, I would say your talent lies in action. You have a fantastic ability to describe what we are seeing as an audience member. Since the script is still on paper you must give us the tools to properly imagine the setting, the people, the places, the action, etc. and you do that quite well. What surprises me about...
There are a lot of wonderful things going on in your script. In fact, I would say your talent lies in action. You have a fantastic ability to describe what we are seeing as an audience member. Since the script is still on paper you must give us the tools to properly imagine the setting, the people, the places, the action, etc. and you do that quite well. What surprises me about your script is you do not do it as often as you could.
I felt a lot of the dialogue was expository instead of natural. There was a lot that you made your characters say instead of having them do. I would encourage you to take a pass through your script and find the lines that could be acted out instead of said.
I also had difficulty with Kieth's journey throughout the piece. As the "hero" his arc was not quite complete. It felt like there was another couple of chapters left in Kieth's story and the ending was not as impactful as I would have hoped. Try re-working the storyline a little to see if you can give Kieth a clearer solution. It doesn't have to be a nice, neat, the lived happily ever after but as a reader I was left with less than what I wanted.
I would like to commend you however for not taking the easy way out. There are a lot of terrible things that happen to these characters and at no time did you let them say, "We will be okay." You forced them to face their challenges head on and that was refreshing to see. Congratulations on a wonderful start and best of luck as your work continues to develop and entertain!
~Ben
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I was intrigued from start to finish. So often do shorts feel as though they must give a full story complete with background information and explanation. With your film you delivered trust. Trust that your audience would use their imagination to guess what was next. I found myself trying to anticipate each movement or wave of motion as your piece progressed and was not capable...
I was intrigued from start to finish. So often do shorts feel as though they must give a full story complete with background information and explanation. With your film you delivered trust. Trust that your audience would use their imagination to guess what was next. I found myself trying to anticipate each movement or wave of motion as your piece progressed and was not capable. I enjoyed that factor. I would however, recommend a decided thru line. As abstract as the piece was while it could have benefited from some sort of grounding. Making the pumpkin MORE alive or adding danger would have given th conflict needed to help distinguish what the characters wants and needs were.
All in all I enjoyed the project. It had wonderful pace and forced the audience to imagine rather than watch. That sort of interaction is what big budget 3D wishes it could do!
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