Other Reviews by jakenp 79

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  Classic western premise; vanilla and cliche execution.
  A review of Vengeance
  by jakenp on 02/07/2012
  Vengeance explores the classic Western premise of "main character is avenging someone's death." In this story, it is Chuck avenging his fathers. His sidekick Joe is around (with a twist at the end) and he is close with a family that keeps horses. He falls for the daughter in that family. Your story structure is actually pretty good. The twist at the end is competent. But... Vengeance explores the classic Western premise of "main character is avenging someone's death." In this story, it is Chuck avenging his fathers. His sidekick Joe is around (with a twist at the end) and he is close with a family that keeps horses. He falls for the daughter in that family.
  
  Your story structure is actually pretty good. The twist at the end is competent. But the devil is in the details of this script.
  
  Somehow you manage to tell a story (with an enormous amount of inherent tension) without including any conflict in any scene. Every back-and-forth plays out very convenient and polite. Way too much "hi, how are you? Good how are you?" Characters uses each other's names way too much in dialog--a totally unrealistic detail.
  
  These characters are quite flat. It was hard for me to glean any backstory other than the stuff with the murdered dad who was in the Civil War.
  
  The Joe twist actually might have worked, but you didn't earn it. He just out of the blue is like "oh yeah, I'm your enemy too." You need to plant seeds for that kind of stuff all through the story.
  
  If you plan on reworking this, make sure you give your scenes and characters some texture. Give everything enough complexity and flaw and conflict that your readers can sink their teeth into. Make your script anything but boring, and you can see through what is really a pretty good premise. read
• 
  Some good ideas, suffers from lack of momentum
  A review of SENIOR DISCOUNTS
  by jakenp on 01/29/2012
  Senior Discounts is a comedy that follows Saul, a successful scumbag NY lawyer. He wants to get away from a cheating fiancee and sees a news story about a sinkhole and decides to buy a house in Florida and hope for the investment to appreciate. When he arrives at his new home, he realizes it is located in a retirement community. Your concept sets up a lot of comedic potential... Senior Discounts is a comedy that follows Saul, a successful scumbag NY lawyer. He wants to get away from a cheating fiancee and sees a news story about a sinkhole and decides to buy a house in Florida and hope for the investment to appreciate. When he arrives at his new home, he realizes it is located in a retirement community.
  
  Your concept sets up a lot of comedic potential. Old people and a selfish jackass lawyer. Some scenes approached the tone and type of humor that this script needs, the old men phallus gardening scene and the old smoker's hair catching on fire. But there was little continuity from scene to scene. I never felt a lot of conflict or tension and this led to me to not care about characters or even really the action in the story.
  
  There was little opposition and little consequence for Saul. So what if the old folks find out that he was just trying to make a buck? I don't think he would care, and frankly, they never really get that close to finding out.
  
  I like your instinct to make Saul grow throughout the story, but it feels largely tacked on. I need to see him be worse and I need to learn, along with him, how and why he has to change. As it is, he seems to simply start talking about legacy and then lucks into the alligator heroics. I wasn't convinced.
  
  The relationship with Maria read as half-baked. They hit it off too quickly and they set up their first date too easily. I want to see Saul work in an interesting and unique way.
  
  I think that this script seems like it is farther from done that it really is. But I think that what you need is a very strong A story...what you have now is a couple of B-stories and some nice side characters. Give the story some real consequences so that you stakes go way up. What does Saul really want and what is threatening it? Add a strong antagonist who is funny, interesting and really wants to stick it to Saul. If you can do these things, I think that the script will read a lot smoother and funnier.
  
  Screenplay style-wise, too long of scene description. It was a struggle for me not to skim. Keep them short, sweet and only what's necessary.
  
  Thanks for submitting. Best of luck. read
• 
  Great concept, unique voice
  A review of Herb & Jeremy in Axe Her Out
  by jakenp on 01/09/2012
  Herb and Jeremy are grown up high school losers with a grudge; they're ex-losers out for blood. But the last of their high school hot-girl tormenters has a mean streak too: she's been killing all the guys that used her for her looks. Your logline is the best I've read on triggerstreet. Great concept in the big sense with perfect, inherent, and interwoven irony. A majority... Herb and Jeremy are grown up high school losers with a grudge; they're ex-losers out for blood. But the last of their high school hot-girl tormenters has a mean streak too: she's been killing all the guys that used her for her looks.
  
  Your logline is the best I've read on triggerstreet. Great concept in the big sense with perfect, inherent, and interwoven irony. A majority of your jokes work well and really jump off the page. Lots of clever banter and self-reflexive stuff that is actually funny...hard to do and great pay-off when it works. Your screenwriting style moves quickly and it pithy for the most part.
  
  I like Herb and Jeremy and their relationship. They start out pretty similar with only minor differences, but I think this works in your advantage when their dynamic becomes a lot more complicated and textured. Really felt like I was in Herb's boat as the story goes on. Your act I is great. Perfect violent sexiness with enough humor, with the perfect punctuation of the Beth reveal. Great.
  
  Act II lagged a bit for me as I never was terribly interested in Connie Calculus. I see that she is the foil to Beth, but I didn't feel like you ever really explored how Herb has to react to their differences. I'd love to see more situation stuff with the two-ladies-for-Herb thing--I think it fits with and could enhance your already comedic tone.
  
  I had a hard time following the action exactly in the middle to end of act II. The flashback/alternate past stuff was confusing and I got lost as to the dynamics of the cat and mouse stuff.
  
  Really great concept though. I enjoyed the read throughout despite the flaws that struck me. Thanks for the read. Concept is everything and you've got that. read