Short Story Critique
Some of the writing was done quite well. I'm afraid some pertinent descriptions were left out. I feel the writer needs to really refine the story after several well written critiques. It's not a bad story. A little fat could be trimmed.
Here are a few things I disagreed with:
Characters are not explained nor described thoroughly. The reader has no indication of whom the characters are, their ages, or any descriptions.
There was no indication of a bull until later. I think the writer needs to make it clear that the animal is a bull and the location should be clear as well.
He grinned away from Alphonso. Why away? And whom is he talking to if he grinned away?
Some awkward sentences. Houses heaved with age…carving the streets with odd shapes.
The next sentence…They stopped. Who stopped.
Alphonso’s heel slid through a lump of manure. This has to mean something in the story. What happened to the manure?
I think the reader needs to understand what’s going on. The running of the bulls?
Some pages are a little too wordy. It gets in the way of what’s going on in the story.
Example: Pg .10 - Sandwich crumbs rested on their clothes. Toes dangled in a clear, cold stream. There was no mention of them eating sandwiches. Aren’t they too old to dangle their toes in a cold stream? Character descriptions!
The focus jumps around. On page 15, the bull fight is lost to description of a female. What happened at the bull fight? The writer should maintain focus on the main character/s.
To hear a child from the crowd means either it’s a very small crowd or the child speaks extremely loud.
Review of: Crimson Spots
reviewed by dandirtyfool on 08/20/2011
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