Concept: This was a dialog-intensive scene, filled with action and the suspense was created by giving the least bit of information to the reader. So while drama and tension are created, so is quite a bit of confusion. Who are these characters? Why did the find themselves in this situation? What prior relationship do Daniel, Sandy or Alice have? Why are there dead bodies in the basement and how did they get there? Because there are too many open questions throughout the story, it makes for an unsatisfying read.
Characters: Could use more backstory to help engage the reader.
Dialog: Very natural. I think in a heightened state of panic, everyone starts to sound the same. No one is thinking rationally. Most of the story is told through dialog and at times could be a bit expository, especially as there were moments in which people had lapses in memory and were reminding each other what had happened.
Description: Minimal. It was mostly filled with action and as I step back from this piece, I think it is better suited for a short screenplay form and really just one scene in a screenplay as opposed to a short story. Take advantage of the narrative form to show and tell the story through thoughts and backstory.
Overall: I think you have a gift for storytelling, and the suggestions above would round out this scene into a proper short story that a reader could engage in. Good luck with your rewrites.
Review of: Hope's End
reviewed by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 11/13/2009
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