Concept: This was a dialog-intensive scene, filled with action and the suspense was created by giving the least bit of information to the reader. So while drama and tension are created, so is quite a bit of confusion. Who are these characters? Why did the find themselves in this situation? What prior relationship do Daniel, Sandy or Alice have? Why are there dead bodies in the basement and how did they get there? Because there are too many open questions throughout the story, it makes for an unsatisfying read.
Characters: Could use more backstory to help engage the reader.
Dialog: Very natural. I think in a heightened state of panic, everyone starts to sound the same. No one is thinking rationally. Most of the story is told through dialog and at times could be a bit expository, especially as there were moments in which people had lapses in memory and were reminding each other what had happened.
Description: Minimal. It was mostly filled with action and as I step back from this piece, I think it is better suited for a short screenplay form and really just one scene in a screenplay as opposed to a short story. Take advantage of the narrative form to show and tell the story through thoughts and backstory.
Overall: I think you have a gift for storytelling, and the suggestions above would round out this scene into a proper short story that a reader could engage in. Good luck with your rewrites.
Review of: Hope's End
reviewed by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 11/13/2009
Other Reviews by **DELETED ACCOUNT** 3429
A review of Reeled Inby **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 11/18/2013A really interesting premise and turn of tone, the performances work for the most part although some of the technical inconsistencies can sometimes distract too much to enjoy the narrative and characters, most notably in the first two scenes the reliance on cutting back to the master too often tends to slow the scene down and lose some tension, also the colour grading does... read
A review of This is Claireby **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 10/20/2013I would suggest trying to angle this film toward showing what the main character does that will make people understand her or like her. Just one experience - does she volunteer? What makes her a good person we want to be watching this for? I wanted to feel like I was rooting for her! I like the documentary feel - it seems real. I can tell immediately this is a 'real' person... read
A review of You Deplete Meby **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 10/20/2013The acting is stellar. I like that one scene carries most of the dialogue into the other shots. I would try and level out the audio on the jump-cuts; but those are very creative and fit well in the story. I would watch for inconsistencies in the continuity - I saw some disappearing booze bottles in the background. I love the bottle turning upside down in the final line and... read