Cuffed
Concept: This was a dialog-intensive scene, filled with action and the suspense was created by giving the least bit of information to the reader. So while drama and tension are created, so is quite a bit of confusion. Who are these characters? Why did the find themselves in this situation? What prior relationship do Daniel, Sandy or Alice have? Why are there dead bodies in the basement and how did they get there? Because there are too many open questions throughout the story, it makes for an unsatisfying read.
Characters: Could use more backstory to help engage the reader.
Dialog: Very natural. I think in a heightened state of panic, everyone starts to sound the same. No one is thinking rationally. Most of the story is told through dialog and at times could be a bit expository, especially as there were moments in which people had lapses in memory and were reminding each other what had happened.
Description: Minimal. It was mostly filled with action and as I step back from this piece, I think it is better suited for a short screenplay form and really just one scene in a screenplay as opposed to a short story. Take advantage of the narrative form to show and tell the story through thoughts and backstory.
Overall: I think you have a gift for storytelling, and the suggestions above would round out this scene into a proper short story that a reader could engage in. Good luck with your rewrites.
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3429
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First of all, this sp is 112 pages not 116, clean up the invisible text in the last four pages. Apologies upfront:This review is bound to be scatterbrained so take it for what it's worth.
First impressions, I like your action language and descriptions, it's fresh, unique and entertaining to read, but in some way it may be a bit too much -- consider toning it down now and...
First of all, this sp is 112 pages not 116, clean up the invisible text in the last four pages. Apologies upfront:This review is bound to be scatterbrained so take it for what it's worth.
First impressions, I like your action language and descriptions, it's fresh, unique and entertaining to read, but in some way it may be a bit too much -- consider toning it down now and then. You have a clever, witty way, but sometimes I was pulled out of the story, and was left thinking to myself how clever the writing is. You don't want that. You want the reader fully engaged in a compelling story. -- turning the pages without feeling like they are reading. "Crap! .. A deer in the middle of the friggin road! That's my two cents.
Love the dialogue. Your voice comes through loud and clear, it's a rare brand of witty on screen dialogue that many actors would kill for. Dialogue: I wouldn't change a thing. Characters have their own points of view which is more important than the words they use. Too many writers wrongly believe that characters need to use different word choices -- that's not it. It's how they react to situations, what their outlook, background, point of view is -- that's how to distinguish one character from the other. Good job! "I want everyone wired titer than a mole's rectum. Comprende?" Loved that - I'm jealous ;) "Bang it out, girl scout."
What didn't work for me was the central story, there really isn't anything at stake, nothing primal to be lost. Yeah, I'm one of those guys, I need to be rooting for a flawed character who is striving to reach his goal, and he comes across obstacle after obstacle to try to achieve his goal. She can fail, but by page 25 I need to see the finish line. "Will this totally dysfunctional family finally resolve their issues. Will he kill the shark. Will they find the groom.
In my opinion the best way to achieve this is by posing questions and throwing obstacles in the way of the goal; Ratcheting up mayhem doesn't work. Cranking and cranking and cranking up the tension and pace leaves the reader or audience numb. Ebb and flow, give the audience a break from the action now and then. Add a sequence that is designed to to that -- slow things down for a minute or two by weaving in a sequence.
IMO there are too many: 'whips, flies, snags, roars, swings, rips, snatches ... slow it down sometimes, let the reader catch his breath.
Where was I? I think if you make the central story beginning near page 25 that their original goal (weed) which they get, then becomes about them trying desperately to get Walter the goat (who is sick) and needs medical attention from a specialized Mexican goat vet -- that could be more fun with a primal goal driving them with obstacle after obstacle in their way.
One character is taken by the goat and others a re frustrated and want to abandon the goal. That could be funny stuff with conflict.
I would cut the "struggling writer" thing from this. It's over done -- way too many struggling writer story lines. People don't want to go to a movie to find out if a struggling writer in Hollywood or NYC made it. Blah. Screams novice. Grab the reader / audience by the heartstrings and make them laugh and cry. An emotional roller coaster ride works best.
Use the goat. And a ticking clock. It will work.
Later
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I found you script to be fantastic. I couldn't believe how flowing and satisfying your action scenes were. I fail at them all the time so to see yours was wonderful.
All of your characters are great. But I did have some reservations with the protagonist and others. I felt that in the first 10 pages, I wasn't connecting with the character. Maybe rework the scenes so I feel...
I found you script to be fantastic. I couldn't believe how flowing and satisfying your action scenes were. I fail at them all the time so to see yours was wonderful.
All of your characters are great. But I did have some reservations with the protagonist and others. I felt that in the first 10 pages, I wasn't connecting with the character. Maybe rework the scenes so I feel more and have sympathy.
I thought your script had perfect structure and the paragraph lengths were all short and neat.
If there is any way you can add more conflict and buildup to the end, it would be a better finale, but beyond that, keep at it. You're a great writer.
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To honest, I was pleasantly surprised by the route you chose to take. There were some twists and turns I did not expect.
Unfortunately, this script suffers from a reactive protagonist. And if you wanted to go that route, there should have been more conflict and his internal goal should have shined more like in Scorsese films.
I also noticed there were many characters that...
To honest, I was pleasantly surprised by the route you chose to take. There were some twists and turns I did not expect.
Unfortunately, this script suffers from a reactive protagonist. And if you wanted to go that route, there should have been more conflict and his internal goal should have shined more like in Scorsese films.
I also noticed there were many characters that only existed as plot devices that grew too apparent. You should give your secondary characters a purpose or just delete them.
Overall, I like your voice. You gave a unique concept more twists than I expected. Keep it up!
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