The Death of Rachael Skye
The writing is good from the jump start. The writer stays with the main character throughout the story.
Several things listed below can greatly improve the screenplay. I didn’t mention all grammatical errors, although there were quite a few.
Tristan should start off a little stronger emotionally. He gives in to Rachael’s emotions too early in the story.
First 12 pages: Good pacing.
It appears that some question marks are missing.
Pg. 20 – Darwin needs a unique voice; perhaps a ‘wise guy’ type voice would suit him.
Pg. 23 – Nevermind ‘who killed Rachael?’…’What happened to Rachael?’ Don’t repeat Tristan’s line. He asks ‘who killed Rachael, then asked ‘who killed her.’ I’d ask something similar such as ‘what happened to Rachel, or ‘what did you do to Rachel?’
When Eric asks, ‘who are you?’ A likely answer, ‘What’s it to you?’ or ‘Who gives a shit?”
Pg. 27 – Tristan telling Brandi, Eric killed his girlfriend is a little harsh. Perhaps he ‘Thinks Eric has something to do with a murder.’
Pg. 32 – Ty goes after Eric a little too easy. Perhaps Ty shouldn’t believe a word Tristan says. Later he should and could change his mind and go after Eric.
Pg. 49 – Eric and Krissy’s conversation doesn’t move the story forward nor is it believable. Someone is dead. No he isn’t going to get out of this. Some dialogue can be eliminated.
Of course, it appears the whole thing can be solved with an autopsy.
Pg. 56 – Who is Shasha and Viktor? They were not introduced correctly. Perhaps they can be mentioned in the first 12 pages.
Pg. 73 – The Russian mafia makes for too much mumbo-jumbo in the story. The Russian Mafia wasn’t introduced earlier. Perhaps they are Viktor and Shasha. They have no motive in the beginning therefore bringing them in later seems absurd. Rachael can have something to indicate she is part of Russian culture.
Pg. 76 – Another meeting? This is repetitious from an earlier scene.
Pg. 83 – The reader likes the drama of the police vs. Tristan in Rachael’s apartment.
Perhaps if Rachael was the daughter of a high ranking Russian businessman, it would give the Russian’s credibility. They don’t seem to fit well in this story.
Pg. 94-95 – The flashback was not marked correctly. Several question marks are missing.
Pg. 97 – Eric, Brandi, and Ty sit in an abandoned restaurant bound together. This is a repeat scene from earlier. The story takes yet another loop rather than move forward. This is the second scene that repeats itself in this story.
Pg. 112 – Darwin gets shot. This is uncharacteristic in an American drama. The good guys always win.
Pg. 130 – Unbelievable – Sasha’s chest wound would not allow him to speak.
Tristan is the main character. He needs to be strong and smart. He cries in the first 5 pages. The murder of Rachel should make him angry thus anger can be his motive. He is much too weak and vulnerable. The audience can relate to strong leading characters. In addition, the weak character has no sympathy. No one cares if he finds the killer of Rachael.
The writer should read up on character traits. Why should the audience care about Tristan with his weak emotional tears for this girl?
Screenplay too long. Ending is drawn out way too long. 120 pages max.
Perhaps Tristan gets arrested for the murder in the beginning of the story, he breaks out of jail to solve the murder. His time is short as detectives close in on him yet closes in on the case.
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