This story has a different structure. It was simple and direct as though the narrator is talking right to the reader. Parts of it were entertaining, but the structure as a whole made the story less believable. Granted, the subject matter isn't believable anyway, but it made it harder to suspend belief and get caught up in the tale.
Some bits of the story are humorous and the simplicity helped in that fashion. Maybe a combination of the simple, direct style of writing and some more complex sentences would compliment each other?
It would also help to have some setting described that fits the scene as it occurs on the page and some character description. The fleshing out of the setting and characters will add to the tone and mood you wish to evoke in the reader.
Good luck with this.
Review of: Date to Die.
reviewed by Suesea on 09/23/2010
Other Reviews by Suesea 171
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