Thanks for the opportunity to read this amusing short story. You have done a lot with an interesting, if familiar, concept, but a variety of punctuation and formatting errors slowed the read down quite a bit.
Composed in a way that suggested its inclusion in some magazine's monthly humor column, this meant character development was kept to a minimum. Unfortunately, there was also very little thematic development here, so the author's world-view remains unknown. Perhaps if readers knew more about the character they would better understand (and enjoy) how he decides to respond to the Devil's little experiment.
Good luck!
TYPOS - WORD CHOICE - GRAMMAR - [suggestions]
there annual board - their annual board [other errors like this elsewhere]
Cold hard facts & a theory. - Cold hard facts and a theory.
Unfortunately terminally ill people don’t - Unfortunately, terminally ill people don’t
playboy playmates - Playboy Playmates
I.V drips that wont allow them - I.V drips that won't allow them
throat to hold em back - throat to hold 'em back
Christmas present they fucking chose me. - Christmas present, they fucking chose me.
Your right, that’s not important - You're right, that’s not important
Knowing your fates a powerful burden. - Knowing your fate's a powerful burden.
Funny thing, once I plummeted to the earth - [awkward sentence, read aloud and see why]
In fact I just got up standing in the person shaped crater - In fact, I just got up standing in the person-shaped crater
Undeterred I bought a shotgun - Undeterred, I bought a shotgun [other examples of this, but you get the idea]
Nothing, zilge, nada. - Nothing, zilch, nada.
l I’d stood in front off just minute’s earlier - l I’d stood in front off just minutes earlier [but funny!]
You see I was given a date to die - You see, I was given a date to die
Your right, that’s not important - You're right, that’s not important
run over, poisoned, hell even blown - run over, poisoned -- hell, even blown
“I’d just like to thank you” I say gratefully “Thanks to your experiment I - “I’d just like to thank you,” I say gratefully. “Thanks to your experiment I
dead man walking
Other Reviews by bigheadx 256
-
A review of Unconditionalby bigheadx on 03/12/2012This is a cute, extremely brief story with a twist that is a slight surprise. As a writing exercise, this reader admires your effort. But at the basic story level, what is so unusual about an older, unattractive man having a young, much admired dog? The repetition of reactions from strangers seem merely in place so as to "pay off" and exaggerate the twist. Even an adolescent... read -
A review of Fantasiesby bigheadx on 01/16/2012Thanks for the opportunity to read this brief and interesting short story. The writing is terse but colorful, like a light show of words as you set the reader up for the funny/shocking twist at the end of what is a fairly "stock" concept. Congratulations on a nicely executed adult fantasy tale. This reader has offered some suggestions/corrections below. ================================... read
-
A review of Subsistenceby bigheadx on 01/16/2012Thanks for the opportunity to read this brief and interesting short story. The writing is terse but colorful, like a light show of words as you set the reader up for the funny/shocking twist at the end of what is a fairly "stock" concept. Congratulations on a nicely executed adult fantasy tale. This reader has offered some suggestions/corrections below. ================================... read
Browse:
Copyright © 2001-2013 Trigger Street Labs. All Rights Reserved.