Death Pops In Review
I really liked the concept; it was fresh and fun. We have this lifeless loser allergic to any sort of work who’s presented with the job opportunity of a lifetime that unfortunately comes with some deadly consequences. I was really looking forward to this read to see how you approached it.
Overall, I liked it. It was an easy and enjoyable read that offered some good humor and some really clever death scenes, which I appreciated. I don’t believe I ever would’ve thought comedy and extreme carnage could coexist so well if I had never seen Shaun of the Dead. I also enjoyed the dialogue which I felt came across very realistic and had some good one-liners that actually had me laugh out loud a couple times.
I did have a hard time understanding a couple things though. For instance, why the Grim Reaper needed to pay someone to tell him who to kill? Normally in fantasy scenarios I’d never address this sort of thing because you don’t want to bog the story down with unnecessarily complicated explanations since the whole idea is to get the audience to suspend disbelief. Unfortunately, without an explanation in this case, I just couldn’t do that. With each new luxury rewarded and with each wad of cash forked over, I just couldn’t stop asking myself…why? I wouldn’t suggest anything over-complicated, but some sort of explanation I think would help the reader suspend disbelief.
And, despite reading it several times, I never caught on to exactly how things ended. Was Marshal killed? I got a little thrown off with the gunshots at the very end. Either way, the piece seemed a little anti-climactic. The screenplay opens with a bad-ass confrontation between Gerria and a previous “employee”, but when it comes time for Marshal’s confrontation…there’s nothing. It went from conflict to resolution without showing how. I’d love to see the “how” cause after all the sinister and evil things that happen to everyone else through the story, a showdown between Marshal and Gerria is heavily anticipated. And maybe I really missed something, but I didn’t understand how Marshal’s kids escaped Gerria’s wrath. I’d love some clarification on the ending.
For me, the weakest dimension of the screenplay was the character development. This especially hurt the story towards the end as Marshal’s family members began showing up as his “Game of Life” options. The first time I read through I actually had to go back to find out who some of the characters were.
Marshal was a great character through the first half of the piece. I really felt I understood him as a sarcastic, self-absorbed asshole whose heartless nature was at times hilarious and at other times despicable. His actions always seemed to remain true to the nature of the character you created. Sometimes I felt his character went too far, especially regarding his horrible relationship with his kids, though I appreciated that you balanced that with how he dealt with Betty. This relationship redeems Marshal enough for the reader to believe he has a glimpse of hope and an opportunity to turn himself around.
But in the second half of the piece, the problem is that Marshal doesn’t change at all (until the closing minutes). As the story progressed with him getting himself deeper and deeper into trouble with “The Game of Life”, I never felt that he really learned anything from his mistakes. He remained a self-centered, heartless jerk, seeking instant gratification in all aspects of his life. Granted he did have a breakdown where he tried to kill himself before selecting one of the people he knew (again, instant gratification), but even after that the only reason Marshal ultimately called Jenny to take his kids back was because Gerria was threatening to kill all four of them. I was hoping to see Marshal really learn his lesson and finally step up on his own terms to take some responsibility instead of being forced into responsibility by the Grim Reaper, of all people!
Gerria was a good take on a Grim Reaper who gets off on each one of his twisted slaughters. I liked that he’s sinister and intimidating, yet playful with his demented one-liners post killings. I wasn’t too sure what I thought of these little quips at the murder scene of each victim. At first they seemed really cheesy, but they kinda grew on me. And come to find out, Gerria’s also a bit of a life coach…in a “Fight Club” sort of way. He was the one character who could get Marshal to see the errors in his ways and change. The problem for me was, besides the sincere “Thank You” Marshal gives him at the end, I really had to wonder if Marshal took responsibility for his kids because he truly had changed or if because he had no other available option. My sentiment leans towards the latter.
Greig tried to serve the critical role as Marshal’s voice of reason. I wish a little more of his sense connected with Marshal through the story because without that impact, I felt Greig did little to support the advancement of the screenplay.
And as I mentioned before, Betty provided Marshal’s sole redeemable relationship through the whole story. She’s the only reason the audience would be able to find a single quality to like in him. She seemed like the perfect martyr with her heavily religious background, so, to me, it would’ve made sense for Marshal to begin recognizing his problems upon her death. If he then began actively seeking ways to improve himself, readers would be far more sympathetic to his character through the end of the story.
I enjoyed the basics of the story, and I really liked the concept. I thought the dialogue was sharp and true to the characters you created. My main concern was the depth of your characters which left the screenplay feeling a little shallow. I think it’d make a world of difference if Marshal truly saw “the light” on his own terms after realizing his mistakes upon Betty’s death. If the audience sees him making efforts to change before being faced with another “Game of Life” decision, they’ll really get behind him and become far more engrossed in the story and its outcome.
Thanks for the read and good luck!
Other Reviews by Spurious2
9
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Let me see if I got this right…a recovered alcoholic of many years suffers a major relapse after a rough day and stumbles upon a local watering hole, which happens to be hosting a “last call” for the terminally ill, with grave consequences.
The story was interesting, and I really liked the “last call” twist. And it was clever that drinking is what ended up killing Danny,...
Let me see if I got this right…a recovered alcoholic of many years suffers a major relapse after a rough day and stumbles upon a local watering hole, which happens to be hosting a “last call” for the terminally ill, with grave consequences.
The story was interesting, and I really liked the “last call” twist. And it was clever that drinking is what ended up killing Danny, just not in the sense he ever would’ve imagined. That said, I had a difficult time understanding a lot of the story, and the parts I feel that I understood I had a tough time taking seriously. Did nobody question Danny’s presence at this “last call” event? Did everyone really poison themselves à la Jim Jones in some bar? Was the bar hosting this event in such dire need for business that they were cool with mixing these lethal drinks, then cleaning up the bodies afterwards? Maybe the whole thing was a metaphor for something else? Despite reading it many times, the story left me asking, “What?”
Beyond the story, there were a good number of grammatical issues: run-on sentences, missed or unnecessary punctuations and misspellings. There also appeared to be some unintentional mix of past and present tenses. And I think the general confusion I had was exacerbated by the untraditional, one-paragraph format you used to present the story which made it difficult to catch shifts in thoughts and dialogue.
Overall, I’m still not sure if I really “got it”. But Danny sure did :)
Good luck!
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This was a deeply disturbing tale of a psychotic perfectionist seeking his personal vision of eternal love.
I thought it was a very well told story that succeeded in delivering a haunting tale while at the same time examining the thought process of a warped mind.
The character was well crafted. From the opening line I could sense his twisted nature. The fragmented, run-on...
This was a deeply disturbing tale of a psychotic perfectionist seeking his personal vision of eternal love.
I thought it was a very well told story that succeeded in delivering a haunting tale while at the same time examining the thought process of a warped mind.
The character was well crafted. From the opening line I could sense his twisted nature. The fragmented, run-on sentences immediately hinted at a chaotic and disturbed mind. The internal dialogue was, in my best estimation, an accurate reflection of the thought process of a mind such as his.
I did get a little confused by your tenses. Throughout the piece you bounce between past and present tense. Until the end it appeared that your intention was to tell the story in the present tense as everything took place. However, at the end, he seemed to be reliving the evening from within his jail cell. Your consecutive sentences, “The bathroom door was cold. The cell floor is cold.” seemed to be your official transition from past to present. Perhaps your mixed tenses were intentional, a confusion within the disturbed character himself. If so, I didn’t think it was necessary and found it to be a little awkward.
Overall, I thought the story really worked. Thanks for the read and good luck.
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Interesting…there seemed to be a heavy Planet of the Apes influence here with a splash of Pleasantville. I liked the principle concept: an enslaved man’s struggle to escape a militant community of women. That said, it’s really tough to pinpoint a principle concept here because the screenplay ends up devoting little time to Brady’s struggle to escape and a lot of time to his...
Interesting…there seemed to be a heavy Planet of the Apes influence here with a splash of Pleasantville. I liked the principle concept: an enslaved man’s struggle to escape a militant community of women. That said, it’s really tough to pinpoint a principle concept here because the screenplay ends up devoting little time to Brady’s struggle to escape and a lot of time to his effort to enlighten a woman blinded by the ways and teachings of an ignorant society.
I get what you were trying to do with the story, but it just didn’t work for me.
The main theme here is slavery and I like how you framed it against a Civil War backdrop to emphasize the backwards nature of a society that practices such an inhumane philosophy. I also liked how slavery, in this screenplay, did not strictly refer to the men who were harvested and forced to work hard labor with no pay, but it also referred to those who were stripped of their rights to pursue their passions (like all the women of Lesbos who are assigned to one of the society’s guilds).
Therefore, both Brady and the women of Lesbos (like Virginia) were all slaves. Since the fuel for slavery is ignorance, to conquer ignorance, there must be enlightenment. Brady to the rescue!
The problem for me was that I felt that this “enlightenment” really slowed the story down and could have been adequately addressed while still keeping the focus on the main concept: Brady’s escape. That is, from what I took away, the driving force behind the story. Granted, what guy wouldn’t get a little sidetracked if they were coupled with a smoking hot baby making machine for several weeks?
Turns out, Brady actually starts having some feelings for this Virginia girl. Here the story shifts into enlightenment mode where Brady comes to find that Virginia was taught that men cannot read or write and are basically useless besides their physical strength and their critical role in procreation. Instead, it’s her who knows nothing. Due to her role in the community she has no background in the arts or sciences. For her to become an exciting and interesting person (which is critical…such an educated and moral man isn’t gonna fall in love with a Barbie doll), Brady must enlighten her. This, I have to say, seemed to come across too forced (all the song singing, Dickens reading, lute playing) and was overall fairly boring.
Then, the excitement and action of Brady’s fight to escape (the main concept of the entire piece) was entirely wiped out with the unceremonious discovery of the diamond, which quite literally fell right into his lap. I seriously couldn’t believe it. That discovery made everything WAY too easy because with it, escape was assured. I felt that this event flat-lined any pulse the piece had. I was secretly hoping the bad ass dudes from Blood Diamond would show up and at least make Brady put up a fight for it.
There were also elements of the story that didn’t seem realistic based on the ground rules you established. For instance, I had an issue with the freedom granted to the Breeders to mate wherever they wished to, such as when they allowed Brady and Virginia to go off on their “picnic” in the woods alone. I felt that such a militant society would have far stricter rules and would demand that Defenders were always present. I mean, considering the Lesbos community is harvesting these men for their physical strength and stamina, it’s easy to imagine that a disgruntled “slave” strangles their mate and then makes a run for it. To combat this sort of potential behavior, I was expecting some large scale orgy that would be strictly regulated and controlled by the Defenders. That, to me, would not only make more sense based on their militant community, but would also be more interesting than Breeders going on mating picnics.
The story also spent too much time focused on the hierarchy of the society and the process of sorting out who would have the right to the thrown come time that Queen Sophia stepped down. I really didn’t understand why any time was devoted to this at all because it really made no difference one way or another. The bottom line of this story is that Brady’s gonna escape Lesbos with Virginia, so who cares if she’s next in line or Emily’s next in line? It just didn’t matter and added no drama in my opinion.
In regards to the characters, first we have Brady (perhaps named after Mathew Brady?), a Civil War photographer who very much objects to the concept of war, is a world traveler, speaks 4 languages and can disguise his southern roots by talking like a Yankee. Ok, I can believe all that. But when he demonstrated super human control by rejecting all Virginia’s initial attempts to mate purely based on principle…that was a lot harder to believe. To have that sort of will power…maybe. The biggest misunderstanding I had of Brady’s character was why he decided to turn around and go back to Virginia (when she was struck by the poison dart) after he had already escaped. Was he afraid of the aborigines? Was he already falling in love with her? For someone so righteous and moral and determined to find freedom, I just didn’t understand why he didn’t keep on running.
Virginia was a hollow shell of a woman, which I know is the point when we first meet her, but even after her crash course on the arts she never seemed to become a richer character. The whole Brady-Virginia relationship reminded me of Pleasantville. You have an enlightened person stuck against their will in an environment of unenlightened folk. The magic happens when the unenlightened finally see the light. Though you seemed to be conscious of trying to show Virginia’s enlightenment (Virginia seemed to appreciate music, books and theater), nothing ever really changed in her behavior that proved she genuinely got it. It seemed to me as if she was regurgitating Brady’s passion for the arts purely due to her blind devotion to him, similar to a young child who will blindly pursue his father’s ambitions to make him happy. I just never felt that she had that personal renaissance that a main character like that has to have.
The aborigines…I just didn’t really understand them. I felt like their original purpose was to serve as a perimeter to keep any slaves from escaping, which is critical in a story about imprisonment. But then they assisted the slaves to help defeat Lesbos at the end. Were they trying to aid the slaves in their escape the whole time? All I know is that they seemed pretty damn accurate with their spears and blow darts at the end there. With that sort of power, it seems like they could’ve had their way with a tribe of woman, especially with the number of strong male slaves who would’ve been more than happy to revolt. Maybe the language barrier dashed any hopes of organizing something like that? And I just didn’t understand why they shot blow darts at Virginia and then didn’t do anything to her (capture her, kill her, etc.)? I just didn’t get the purpose of them shooting a dart at her then leaving her there.
Caine seemed kinda useless for most of the story cause he never had a clear goal/role until the end. He actually came across fairly oblivious and annoying, humming away on his harmonica the whole time. It finally started to make some sense when I found out his relationship with Virginia, but the whole scenario seemed like a too-late attempt to escalate the dramatic tension. Their super short reunion at the end was incredibly corny and really removed me from what was the most exciting part of the story. I just feel there’s a way to use his character more effectively earlier in the script so that when he finally spills his guts to Virginia, the audience is more prepared and would find it more realistic and moving.
Laflamme brought along the most exciting part of the story since he was the character who could redeem Brady’s diamond for safe passage out of Lesbos. I just wish he had shown up a lot earlier.
Though I didn’t love the script, I did appreciate some of its dimensions, such as its effort to make a social comment about the importance of defeating ignorance with art and understanding. You’re no doubt a strong writer, but this piece just didn’t tie together well. It never seemed to commit itself to any particular principle goal. To me, the bottom line is Brady’s struggle to escape and I personally would love to see a rewrite that focused far more on that. And it should have an orgy scene :)
Good luck!
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