Review of: Lucidity 

reviewed by JarrettWright on 01/29/2012
Credited Review
Decent Starting Point, but Needs Improvement. Credited Review
To start off, I liked the concept of the magical dream-catcher as a means to actually literally fighting off his inner demons in a dreamscape. I felt that adding the sci-fi aspect after that actually hurt the story more than enhance it. Although I understand why you put the sci-fi rules in that Cid explains to make the story work, i.e. his brain not being able to handle the other universe yet and what not, they all just seemed forced for the purpose of the story, so that at the end the whole world could be changed. Perhaps you may want to consider just making the magic from the dream-catcher change the world at the end, or if you really wanted to change the ending up, consider just having him return to the world from the beginning just with a different perspective. Just be advised that, at least in my opinion, having both the sci-fi aspect and the magic dream-catcher just muddled things up too much, and detracted from the story.

Secondly, there were not many plot twist in this story. it seemed to go, for the most part, straight from point A to point B, besides the standard structural turning points. This made the middle drag on a bit and was a bit predictable. He trains up, Billy makes fun of him, they compete, Frank doesn't lose, rinse, repeat. The story would be more interesting if there were some set-backs along the way, the whole time it seems like Frank is just progressing forward. Although Cid resembles the archetypal mentor, bestowing magical gifts upon Frank, you have a couple of scenes where Cid talks about wanting to stay king. Perhaps to meet this end, he might actually try to sabotage Frank so that Frank fails so he can stay king? Something to consider. (Otherwise I wasn't really sure what these scenes were for).

Also, during the training sections, Frank's arc would be greatly enhanced if you focused not only on the physical training of beating Billy, but also on the mental weaknesses of Frank that have made Billy such an important projection in his life.

Other small things to consider:
Possibly making Isabel someone unimportant from the beginning who ignores him, like the secretary.
A big deal is made about the present for Madison at the end, but there is no pay off.
Possibly have one flashback at the beginning be about Medieval(?) Times.
Dialogue to on the head, i.e. when Frederick offers to help them, Frank knows it's in both their best interest, Fred knows this, and so does the audience, and they all know that everyone knows it, so don't just blatantly say it.
Finally reread it once for grammar- lots of typos.

Other than that I did like the initial concept and feel that you've got the beginnings of a good story here. Good Luck!

Other Reviews by JarrettWright 13

  • A review of Exhume
    by JarrettWright on 02/04/2012
    Great work so far! I could really see this being made as an independent film. I liked the characters a lot, and each of their individual personality's shown through clearly (Kevin did seem a bit static to me though). The dialogue seemed natural for the most part, and each character clearly had a voice of there own. I thought that the concept was excellent, actually literally... read
  • A review of The Objective
    by JarrettWright on 02/02/2012
    I enjoyed this for what it was. I thought it was funny and well done for a sketch of this sort. The locations, costumes, and props were all great. The production value was good enough for a fun sketch like this, and you got enough shots that the editing was good enough as well. Overall much better than I thought it was going to be when I read the premise. Well Done!
  • A review of Can't See Me
    by JarrettWright on 02/01/2012
    I have to admit that conceptually, this story and what it was trying to get across went right over my head. However, the shots were all amazing, and the production quality throughout this whole film was great. I am personally a fan of shallow depth of field, and you seemed to utilize it well and a lot in this short. Looking back a couple of the shots that really stuck with... read
+ more reviews