To start off, I liked the concept of the magical dream-catcher as a means to actually literally fighting off his inner demons in a dreamscape. I felt that adding the sci-fi aspect after that actually hurt the story more than enhance it. Although I understand why you put the sci-fi rules in that Cid explains to make the story work, i.e. his brain not being able to handle the other universe yet and what not, they all just seemed forced for the purpose of the story, so that at the end the whole world could be changed. Perhaps you may want to consider just making the magic from the dream-catcher change the world at the end, or if you really wanted to change the ending up, consider just having him return to the world from the beginning just with a different perspective. Just be advised that, at least in my opinion, having both the sci-fi aspect and the magic dream-catcher just muddled things up too much, and detracted from the story.
Secondly, there were not many plot twist in this story. it seemed to go, for the most part, straight from point A to point B, besides the standard structural turning points. This made the middle drag on a bit and was a bit predictable. He trains up, Billy makes fun of him, they compete, Frank doesn't lose, rinse, repeat. The story would be more interesting if there were some set-backs along the way, the whole time it seems like Frank is just progressing forward. Although Cid resembles the archetypal mentor, bestowing magical gifts upon Frank, you have a couple of scenes where Cid talks about wanting to stay king. Perhaps to meet this end, he might actually try to sabotage Frank so that Frank fails so he can stay king? Something to consider. (Otherwise I wasn't really sure what these scenes were for).
Also, during the training sections, Frank's arc would be greatly enhanced if you focused not only on the physical training of beating Billy, but also on the mental weaknesses of Frank that have made Billy such an important projection in his life.
Other small things to consider:
Possibly making Isabel someone unimportant from the beginning who ignores him, like the secretary.
A big deal is made about the present for Madison at the end, but there is no pay off.
Possibly have one flashback at the beginning be about Medieval(?) Times.
Dialogue to on the head, i.e. when Frederick offers to help them, Frank knows it's in both their best interest, Fred knows this, and so does the audience, and they all know that everyone knows it, so don't just blatantly say it.
Finally reread it once for grammar- lots of typos.
Other than that I did like the initial concept and feel that you've got the beginnings of a good story here. Good Luck!
Review of: Lucidity
reviewed by JarrettWright on 01/29/2012
Other Reviews by JarrettWright 13
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