DETAILS PLEASE....
What makes this story good is that it’s well written, and the characters are sympathetic; we care about them because they’re decent people, and because we care about them we care about their situation, which, of course, is untenable. Several development weakness, however, make the story less than ultimately satisfying. It was like ordering a full bowl of soup and just eating off the top, never dipping my spoon further down for what gives a soup its body. I wanted to know more about their trouble, and why it had become so severe. I wanted to know, after their trip (it cannot be called a vacation) if, how, why, or when the couple patched things up and stayed together or went their separate ways. The story ended abruptly, though, and that was a disappointment. Still, what there is of it is well written. Good job.
Other Reviews by Tripsheet Revision
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This is a fine story, and the protag has a twist in her character that makes both she and the story unique. She feels the emotions of those around her, and the more powerful the emotions the more intensely she feels them. Interesting premise. But it’s hard to believe she’s never reached this level of angst before today. And it’s very nearly inconceivable that she’s never...
This is a fine story, and the protag has a twist in her character that makes both she and the story unique. She feels the emotions of those around her, and the more powerful the emotions the more intensely she feels them. Interesting premise. But it’s hard to believe she’s never reached this level of angst before today. And it’s very nearly inconceivable that she’s never been around a crying child before today. That makes the story feel somewhat gimmicky, so if there’s any way of backing it all up and explaining her situation in more depth it would be more believable. Perhaps due to an illness she’s been in a mental hospital until recently; she gains freedom but now must deal with this new problem or she might lose her freedom again. If you create an effective backstory it will make what she goes through today more understandable. The story has the sense, the feel, of having been thrown together rather quickly, as though only a short time may have have elapsed from inception to presentation. If true, this cuts out ‘think time’, which is something every idea needs to develope into a more well-rounded story. I love the concept, love the characters, but the scenes all play out with such extreme urgency and starkness that it has the feel of being unpolished. With work, with time and effort, you’ve got a winner here. Another problem, at least for me, is the erratic spacing throughout. This, too, creates a sense of rush-rush, hurry. Making your story visually normal, as it would appear if one were reading it in a magazine or book, will also contribute to the reader sensing that here is a polished work by a good writer. I haven’t been in the short story wing but once in the last several months, so I’m glad you emailed me. I like this story, I like your feeling as a writer, and I’m glad I got to read it. When you’ve perhaps decided to rework it and post it again, please let me know, as I’d like to follow your progress. I think you’re a good writer.
On page 4, you switch from past tense to present tense between the second to last paragraph and the last... “She drove along...” and,
“Large crowds are something she avoids...”
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This story is so very reminiscent of Psalm 19 that immediately upon reading it I had to go read that passage from Scripture. In some sense it's also resonates with Psalm 139, reminding me of how you can place a tuned guitar against the far wall of a wide room and then listen to it as you play the second guitar you're holding and strumming across the room; ideas in sync resonate...
This story is so very reminiscent of Psalm 19 that immediately upon reading it I had to go read that passage from Scripture. In some sense it's also resonates with Psalm 139, reminding me of how you can place a tuned guitar against the far wall of a wide room and then listen to it as you play the second guitar you're holding and strumming across the room; ideas in sync resonate. The writing here is strong: vivid, vibrant, and colorful. The concept, the rape of earth's ecology, has become bromidic and somewhat threadbare with overuse, but because your elevated style holds steady throughout, carried along by a higher class of prose, you manage to breathe new life into a theme that's become commonplace; you said what you wanted to say about what concerns you, but with the stress on visual poetry you presented your ideas in a loftier form than many of us are accustomed to hearing them in. You didn't warn, you reminded. You weren't preachy, but, as I've already said, through the meter of inner verse you got everybody on your side because we all love the earth and it's beauty and wonder and magic. There is no possible way that the writer of The Song would not love C. S. Lewis's space trilogy, as the three books are often called. There is a certain selection of books and stories, a collection of disparate volumes, which I hold especially dear, and quite a few of Lewis's stories are included; everyone knows of the Narnia Tales, and in them Lewis displayed his lively imagination, his special gift, far beyond Tolkien's, for combining mysticism and spiritual concepts with philosophy. But in his space trilogy he displays a higher level of the brilliance with which he was especially gifted. Out Of The Silent Planet, Perelandra, and That Hideous Strength are books which I try to read every year, because in them the reader uncovers layer upon layer of his sophisticated understanding of how the known and unknown realms work, and how they are brought together in harmony and, too often, in disharmony. Written in the 40's, they display the author's understanding of where society has been headed for decades, and more, the internal conflict of the ages as they come to a deadly point of conflict. I've only recommended these to two or three folks over the years, but you display an intelligence both to grasp and convey and interpret the inner and outer sides of reality. I think you would enjoy his perceptive and radiant descriptions, especially in Perelandra, and understand where he's going right from the first page of the first book. Every word I've written this morning is a reaction to what you put on the page -- it shone with a deft touch of artistry and intellectual curiosity which I've come expect from you. I went away for a bit and came back and waited to be assigned the story; I finally decided to read it and review it, the system be damned. It's really a very special little story, most especially a statement of hope, I think. Lovely work. Keep after it, perfecting, polishing, and presenting your ideas and opinions. Not everyone will agree with every word you write, but they must agree that the read is always worthwhile and enjoyable.
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This short story has some power despite its obvious direction from the first paragraph; the repetitious ‘I remember’ also drains some of its force by the end. But, that aside, we are left to ponder the memories and the images conjured by them. I enjoyed the story, what little there was of it; that it could pack much more force with more than 654 words goes without saying...
This short story has some power despite its obvious direction from the first paragraph; the repetitious ‘I remember’ also drains some of its force by the end. But, that aside, we are left to ponder the memories and the images conjured by them. I enjoyed the story, what little there was of it; that it could pack much more force with more than 654 words goes without saying. The fact that the old man’s memories are pretty similar to what most people have at the close of a life well lived is something which robs much of the impact, as well. My advice would be to remove all but one or two or the ‘I remembers’, create flesh and bones for the other characters, something at least beyond thumbnail presentations of them, and give us some up close situations, genuine flashbacks, something more than just dull recitation. I think his memories should come alive, be colorful, some funny, some sad, some romantic, some erotic. Tell us about the times he almost lost his life, about how one of his kids almost died at birth, about the sensory experience of his first female conquest, etc. Your story about an old man’s memories needs some meat on the bones; otherwise we’re left wondering if his life amounted to very much at all. If the memories are dull, maybe the life was, too. It has great potential; what it needs is more committment from the writer. But it’s a good start.
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