Well done for writing a full script. However, the script requires some structual work. For example, the current opening of I WANT TO KILL seems to meander and isn’t quite the grabber. The first thing a script should do is hooking the reader and setting forth the rules of your story. If the opening scene captures the reader’s interest in some unique way, it is called the hook. Otherwise, it’s just the opening scene. Examples of opening scenes “THE HOOK”
BODY HEAT, opens with “Flames in the sky”.
In INDEPENDENCE DAY, humongous alien ships appear in the sky, an imminent threat, helicopters are dispatched to make contact – they are blown to smithereens. Now we know; the aliens aren’t friendly.
Every story is different, yet the elements of the primary genres share basic components. ACT 1. (the beginning) ACT 2. (the middle, chain of conflicts) ACT 3 (the conclusion). The script requires a lot of work and is structurally not well developed.
We learn that NED has a hatred for his MOM and SISTER, and we get that in NED'S V.O. dialogue. The issues are never explored by action. to correct this, perhaps showing NED being abused by his MOM, and punished by his younger sister could serve in itself as a stronger reason why he hates them. I am sure you can think of other directions the story can take.
Realize that to be sold to a major studio or Production Company, characters must be intriguing enough to attract the attention and interest of major stars. The story must show such promise that producers, directors, and other creative talent would be willing invest time andmillions of dollars. Personally I feel that this would be a stronger story if things are sorted out in order for the story to be structually sound.
Review of: i WanT tO kiLL
reviewed by ozones on 09/19/2009
Other Reviews by ozones 4
A review of Wake Up, Maggie (SCSS)by ozones on 11/12/2009Congratulations on a job well done. WAKE UP, MAGGIE as written was fun to read and what the story is about is clear from the first few pages. GERRY and MAGGIE, go through an emotional and physical change and their dynamics worked really well. The dialogue was excellent, moving the story forward and fit the characters. This script had its witty moments. The only negative... read
A review of All Fired Up (2009)by ozones on 09/27/2009I have to congratulate this writer on a job well done. ALL FIRED UP as written was FUN to read and has its conflict and what the story is about clear from the first few pages. The story is structually well developed. The opening scene captures the reader's interest. I like the poodle twist...that's what I'm talking about. CHARLIE and SARAH, the main characters, go through... read
A review of Undergradsby ozones on 09/22/2009There is a problem of clarity in the story as currently written. For instance, I didn't get what exctly the 4 friends mission was and partying doesn't seem like a goal. I also feel that the dialogue was unexciting as it failed in some parts to move the story forward. S-Dot and Jay-C's mission to get Mr.W's money comes in late in the story instead of at the end of act 1. There... read