I'm going to start off with the positives of the script, because there were a lot of things I did really enjoy.
1. The concept is very good, and well done for a child's movie.
2. The characters are all mostly likable (exclude Stix). And they felt really kidish -- which is very good.
3. The dialogue seems a bit childish, in some cases a good way, and funny at time.
4. The story is decent enough to get and follow.
Before I get into the negatives I want to give a disclaimer. I'm not big on kids movies unless it's a Pixar film, so please take my comments and decipher what you will from them. And also that I'm American and didn't understand some of the British terminology/slang.
1. Formatting. In some cases you had scene headers and characters talking, but you gave no indication where the characters where in the action lines. By the way there were a few times where you didn't mention the twins in the action lines.
Also there were some other minor things, such as INT. BILLY BOY, COCKPIT -- then switch over to EXT. SKY and went back and forth, well that got annoying. I would have preferred you have just said BILLY BOY, COCKPIT -- switch over to SKY, we already know where inside his cockpit and the sky is outside.
2. Characters. I know I put it in the positives category, but there were some things that bugged me. One thing that bugged me is you have WAY TOO MANY teenagers. I mean do you really need to list them all? Half of them didn't seem to talk, have a character arc or anything. Pretty much wasted space, and I was annoyed but trying to figure out who was who.
Another thing that bugged me, and even though I understood and realized that Billy and Jack were best friends, they're interaction was minimal because of extra things that were unnecessary to the script. The interaction there was between them was GREAT! I loved it and wanted to see more (when Billy wasn't being mean), but there wasn't. From memory I can only recall the beginning with Billy and Jack flying side by side, Billy helping Jack in GHQ by bringing in Ella, and the last scene.
Also Stix was great, very much enjoyed his characters. Except for the stupid reason for shooting the prime minister. Honestly I wanted and need something bigger and better than that. Maybe He wants to kill him because he's made from bullets that killed innocent people.
Ella was pretty much perfect. I don't really have anything bad to say about her. Good work.
The twins, were okay, funny, but got annoying after times.
I didn't get Rocco, but it doesn't matter because he didn't bug me.
Conor was also a very good character, not much to say on him either.
All the other characters were fine. Precious, seemed to built up though, maybe tone her down, she's not that important, but if she is, then build her up.
3. Dialogue. I'm not going to spend too much time here, except say. I know you can do better. There was great dialogue, then there wasn't. You feel into exposition at times, and other times it was so childish I think even kids would think it's corny. This is the thing. I know it's a kids movie, but you don't have to make it soooo much like a kids movie adults do want to watch it. I feel like it pushed over that edge. With Luck, and the teenagers they just make it more than cheesy
4. Structure and story. The beginning is too long. I like it for what it is, but page 6 should have ended on page 3-4. Also I got confused more than once in the beginning, INTERCOM -- RAIDO, I find it to be a bit... I don't know what the words are, but it just needs a do-over. Also I didn't know who was who in the begging. Enemy fighter plane was RED? I think I'm wrong but I have no clue, also there was a plane on Billy and Jacks side? I mean... I didn't get that.
By the way if you're trying to sell this script, you don't write shots in your script. So no TITLES, no OVERHEAD SHOTS. The overhead shots were fine and made it an interesting read, so I would keep those in, but just take out slug line for titles.
There were scenes in the screenplay that were too long. The one scene where they tie up Ella, cut that short, and there's multitudes of others I can't think of at the moment, but I would take another read through and find out what is exactly necessary.
Billy and Stix... What's there to say... The beginning with them meeting was not well thought-out to me. Felt like you just said "Here it is. Take it" and it was just very expository. Also later on in the script Billy becomes the boss? Really? If that's the way you want it, then that should be from the very get go. Maybe Stix talks him into the idea of getting their fathers back, and he says to Billy, "Your in charge now, so make sure you do a good job." Or whatever it may be but the transition from Stix being the boss (making kids/showing kids how to make guns) to Stix taking orders from Billy was ridiculous.
Stix talking to the plane, and us not really hearing what the plane is saying sounding like a horror film. I'm not going to spend much time on that. I actually liked it, but it was kind of weird.
OVERALL: I liked it, but I think you need another BIG revision and think out what you're trying to accomplish from this story. It's not there yet, but it's quite unique I think and I also think it would work as a PIXAR film if you work hard enough. Try doing a read aloud with your friend, hear how it sounds.
Remember these are my opinions, take what you will from them, take them with a grain of salt. Best of luck in the future.
Review of: Children of the Revolution
reviewed by DJBFilmz on 03/05/2012
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